Who Is Eve 1.0?

*** To my friend Emily for her birthday.***

At the time, there were no other people to witness that the Eve we know was not the first woman ever created. But God and Adam knew.

When God was done with creating the world, plants, and animals, He wanted to have someone else, besides His army of angels who helped Him, to appreciate the beauty of His creation. A fresh perspective, so to say. Besides, He was also quite lonely and tired of being surrounded by the angelic beings singing Him hosannas all the time. He longed for a real son.

So God created a man ("adam" in Hebrew) in His own image, out of exclusive earth's clay (adama) by breathing life into his body. Well, you know that story. What you don't know, however, is that Adam, albeit an adult man, had a new brain of a child. He was also thirsty for knowledge and wanted to bond with his Father. So he followed God everywhere around the Garden of Eden, like a mental toddler that he was, asking Him all sorts of kid questions:

"Dad, why is the Sun yellow?"

"I made it that way."

"But why?"

"Because I wanted it to make a lot of light for the earth's plants and animals."

"But the stars also make light and they are blue."

"They can be blue, that's true, but also white, yellow and red. I guess I just wanted to make them in a variety of colors."

"But why?"

"For diversity."

"What's di-ver-si-ty?"

"It is when the things or beings in the same group can be of different shapes, sizes and colors."

"Like animals?"

"Exactly, like animals."

"Ok... why does the river flow?"

"If it didn't flow, it would stay in place and make a pond. Or a lake, or a sea."

"Ok, but why does it flow?"

"To give water to all the creatures that need it."

"Why can't they just go to a lake or a sea?"

"Plants and trees can't walk, as you know. As for the animals, or some of them, it would be a long journey. They'd die of thirst before they get there. Besides, you can't drink water from the sea. It's salty."

Adam thought for a moment. God contemplated the meaning of life, happy with the silence.

"Why is the water in the sea salty?" Adam asked.

"What? How do you know that? Did you already make a trip to the sea?"

"No, dad, Thou hast just told me."

"Ah, that's right, I must be getting old and forgetful."

"No, Thou art not old at all, daddy. By the way, how old art Thou?"

"I don't know."

"Really?"

"Uh-huh."

"How come?"

"There was no one around to keep the record. Remember, I created everything and every being."

"So, why is the water in the sea salty?"

"Oh, Myself! Would you give it a rest, with all the questions, Adam?"

"I would, if I had someone else to talk to. There's nothing to do here, I'm tired of watching the animals having fun with each other. I'm also tired of just eating and sleeping. It's so boooooring here!!! Dad, why hadst Thou given a pair to every animal but me?"

"Hmm. I just wanted a son, not a daughter."

"How about a wife for me?"

"A wife?? For My sake, how do you know what a wife is?"

"Lucifer has told me. All animals Thou created are husbands and wives, and they can have babies."

"Oh, Myself! I don't want you to have babies! Where did all these ideas of yours come from?"

"But Daaaad, hast Thou not said to them Thyself," Adam straightened out and took a godly pose, making a grand sweeping gesture with his right arm, imitating God's booming voice, "As for you, be fruitful and increase in number; multiply on the earth and increase upon it?”

"Yes, I said that to all the animals so that they could give you everything you need."

"But why, Dad, whyyyy?" Adam whined like a capricious child.

"Because you are the crown of my creation, the king of all animals who must have everything he needs."

"But I don't have everything I need! I need a pair too! If I am a king, I need my own queen!"

"But then you will start being fruitful and multiply too, and there will be a lot more of you! What am I going to do with all those kings and queens then? I won't be able to keep an eye on all of you!"

"Art Thou not an omniscient, all-seeing Father?"

"Don't test my patience, Adam."

"But Daaaad, what if she is not my queen, but simply a friend? A friend who is a girl, but not a girlfriend? We will not be fruitful and multiply, ewww, I promise Thee, ewww again, we will just take long walks in the garden hand-in-hand and entertain each other? I won't be asking Thee so many questions then. Just a friend, Dad?"

"Hmm, that might be not such a bad idea, Adam. Do you promise Me no funny business? No kissing, or hugging?"

"Ewww, Dad! I've seen chimps do that, that's not what I want to do at all. It’s disgusting, ewww!"

"So, nothing beyond holding hands? Promise, Adam?"

"I promise, Dad."

"Alright, but you know that clay I made you from was so special I don't have it anymore."

"What? How come?"

"Well, it was just one exclusive batch and I made so many test versions of you until I got everything perfect in My image that I completely ran out of it. I have no more of that clay. None."

"So I can't have a friend after all? Whyyyyy, whyyyyy, whyyyy can't I have just one good thing?? Daaad, just one good thing?" Adam dropped on the ground and started to kick and scream like a toddler having a tantrum.

"Stop it, Adam! You are a grown man, for My sake!"

"But I want a frieeeend!" Adam wouldn't stop whining. "Thou hast promised I could have everything I neeeeeed!"

"Alright, I guess I can make you a friend from your body part. So that she is a flesh from your flesh, so to say."

"My body part?? But if Thou takest something away from me, I won't be perfect anymore! I don't know if I want to give my arm or leg for a friend."

"Well, we can take a part that is inside your body, something that you will not really miss, like a rib."

"Ok, I guess I can live without a rib..."

When Adam woke up some time later, he saw a breathtakingly beautiful woman sleeping by his side. He was so excited to have her for a new friend, he immediately woke her up. She was not happy.

"Who are you and why did you wake me up from my beautiful peaceful dream?"

"I'm Adam, I'm your friend."

"I don't need a friend, Adam. I am perfectly content on my own."

"You will get bored here on your own very soon."

"No, I won't. How can anyone be bored in the Garden of Eden? There's so much to see and do here!"

"Ha! Like what?"

"Well, make friends with all the animals, talk to the angels and cherubs, try all the fruits and cook something with them and vegetables, take long walks along the river and admire the beauty of this world..."

"See, I did all of that and got bored pretty soon."

"Ah, boys will be boys with an attention span of 10 seconds! I'm a grown woman, I won't get bored. Boredom is a state of mind, an attitude. You can always change it, you know, by finding new and exciting things."

"We could do it together."

"Why? A woman doesn't have to do everything with a man. I can be completely independent and perfectly fine on my own!"

"But I'm your... master!"

Eve (that was her name) laughed in Adam's face, "You are my WHAT?"

"Master! You literally were made out of my rib!"

"Doesn't mean you can boss me around!"

"Does, too!"

"No, it doesn't! I may have been made out of your rib, but it doesn't mean you own me! I have my own head and heart, and I can be and do whatever I want!" Eve got up and proudly walked away with her head and tits up.

Adam ran to God, crying, "Dad, Thou hast made me a wrong wo-maaaan!"

"What do you mean, a wrong woman, Adam? And how do you even know that word, woman?"

"She told me... She doesn't share my interests," Adam wiped off crying snot with the palm of his hand, "And wants to do her own thing! She is also... smarter than me, too stubborn, disrespectful and independent."

"So, you can't handle a smart, strong and independent woman?" God smiled because it meant no funny business.

"I guess... She is just too much! Please re-makest her into another, who will respect and adooooore me."

"Alright, son, as you wish. I will make you another woman, Eve 2.0."

"Eve two point what?" Adam asked, calming down.

"Too hard to explain, you will figure it out in the 21st century. It will be an upgraded version of the woman, according to your specifications."

"My what?"

"I'll make her obedient, loving and respectful, as you asked."

"And makest sure that she is the one who woos me, like a ‘woo-man,’ the one who woos her man. Dost Thou get the pun, Dad, woo-man?"

"Woo or woe, that is a question," God mumbled quietly and then louder said to Adam, "Yeah, yeah, I get it. But I will have to take your second rib out for it. It's actually not that bad as it will make you symmetrical..."

"Sim... what?"

"Symmetrical, with one rib missing on each side. No one will ever notice."

"Oh, OK, I guess. As long as she is caring and respectful..."

So God made Eve 2.0 for Adam. And she was also beautiful, and indeed caring, loving, and obedient. Until the serpent seduced her to partake from the apple of knowledge, that is, and the funny business started. But you already know that story.

What happened to Eve 1.0, you'd ask? She was elevated to the status of a goddess, but there's no official record of that. She is the one who started the entirely new funny business of feminism, too.

P.S. I had to fight DALL-E to create the image for this story. It stubbornly put other human figures into the background until I asked it to at least turn them into angels and cherubs. It also refused to paint Adam and Eve with fig leaves covering their private parts and kept exposing Eve's breasts when asked for minimal clothing. When I asked it to cover her breasts and erase their naval buttons because they were the first people, not born of a woman, DALL-E said that my specifications were against its rules and gave me a warning. So what you see is the best of about 15 takes.

Thanks for reading and please let me know what you think of this version of Eve's tale.