Victim or Valiant: Overcoming Sexual Abuse Traumas
A personal story of overcoming childhood trauma.
Today, I'm a woman who is embracing being a channel of Divine love and compassion. The power moving through me is born out of every moment I allow myself to love deeply and be loved. My life is unfolding into a romance beyond my wildest dreams. I'm celebrating a new chapter of creating impactful businesses with my dream partner. I'm honored to hold transformative containers for the women in my community. I'm connecting with the genius within me and attracting the collaborative genius of others. I'm passionately pursuing my purpose while being turned on by life's simple pleasures. Trust me, it wasn't always this way.
This is my story.
I endured sexual abuse for six years of my childhood. In my experience, the betrayal of trust and the violation of my innocence was the most painful part of my abuse. From then I swore to become a protector of the innocent. In that time, protecting myself and my family meant many things. It meant doing my best to keep my sisters safe as best I could. It meant protecting my parent's reputation. It meant doing my best to keep the family together. I became the secret keeper and the defender. The impact of playing those roles for so long created a fragmentation of my personal power. I carried feelings of guilt, shame, and unworthiness throughout most of my life. I adopted self-sacrificing behaviors and self-sabotage. Inner turmoil, anxiety, depression were normalcy. I dealt with my emotional confusion by choosing any means of numbing. I jumped on the painkillers, cutting, excessive drinking bandwagon. I constantly reached for acceptance and validation in others—and especially in men. I focused on all the wrong things and my inner compass seemed shattered... I had silenced my voice.
It was difficult to speak up for my needs, preferences, and reveal my true self to those I loved. My inner desires and yearnings were muddled by what I thought people wanted of me. These patterns continued through all of my relationships with my boyfriends. I didn't realize I was repeatedly find myself feeling betrayed, mistrusting, paranoid, and unable to fully receive love. I was exhausted by living in such a miserable way that didn't align with my soul's calling. I desperately believed life could be better than this, that I could be happy and that I deserved it. By choosing to want differently for my life, I sought new ways of being that connected me deeply to myself. Over two years of deep inner work of personal development and emotional healing, I began to transform.
To heal my dissociation to touch, I learned massage therapy and provide a healing touch to others. To heal the imbalances in my body, I studied holistic wellness and healing foods. To heal my connection to the Divine, I learned Reiki and devoted myself to spiritual practices. To heal my connection with the Earth, I returned to the wilderness within me. To heal my connection to my joy and purpose, I study Bliss and the path of Divine Feminine Leadership. To heal my warrior spirit, I've found the martial arts of Gongfu (Kung fu).
There are many paths of healing that one can pursue. The power of choosing our path means giving ourselves the permission to know ourselves—the shadow and the light. To go deep into those places where the subconscious keeps our secrets. The power of choosing to make decisions and take actions that align with the vision of your heart's passion and fulfillment. My path of healing has been rich with rare gems of peace and beauty. I chose to feel blessed and I hold no regrets or shame around the pain that happened to me. Through working through my wounds, I've cultivated a sense of inner peace, forgiveness, and a radical upgrade in my ability to love and be loved. Now, I'm being called to be a guide and hold space for others in their paths of awakening and healing.
To live an authentic life is a person's only obligation, but the courage it requires to embody authenticity is the hardest thing to do. Many of us hide in the shadows of doubt most of our lives and fail to seize the opportunity to live freely. They say the pressure creates diamonds. As a victim, the pressures of life overwhelm us into paralysis or defeat. As a valiant, we overwhelm the pressures of life to create what we were born to do. We all have our own stories of hurt that have changed our lives forever, and it's the rewriting of those stories do we find our healing miracle. The power of our reclaiming our stories not only remedies our individual wounds but can serve as a beacon of hope for others.
May you live your story now.
Be brave beloved.