The Naked Canvas

I’ve been feeling inspired to write about my experiences as a body art model over the last few years, which is something I feel really allows me to shine completely and I feel has let me break emotional and physical boundaries. On the first day I modelled, I was really aware of walking out of my comfort zone as I strode along the catwalk at the end of the show, and it was an experience I had never in my whole life had believed I could ever be allowed to feel. That first night, nearly three years ago, it was my birthday – January 12th, 2019. I will be turning 40 soon, as the year changes and the weeks start to roll, and I can say with full conviction that having had the opportunity to model for artist Robyn Jean on that first occasion, being painted as the Celtic Goddess Arianrhod, the Lady of the Silver Wheel, was one of the most healing as well as fascinating experiences of my life.

It was for a charity event – a fundraiser for Children’s World – and the theme was Gods and Goddesses. The artist who picked me, Robyn Jean, was a novice in body art, although she had been doing henna and face painting at numerous festivals around the US and the UK, and she was specifically looking for someone with curves for her design, which made me feel very proud of myself to begin with, given the trauma I have suffered in the past. I believe that day marked the start of a new stage in my career path and in my confidence as a woman too. The blue swirls and the sparkle, the feathered headdress and the beautiful owl crossing my breasts, her castle in Caer Sidi depicted on my back and a blooming flower over my stomach – I felt like I would shine forever.

That day Robyn worked with the help of another artist, a lovely lady called Diana Malling, who took emotional and practical care of me and guided the paint along my body in a way that was almost therapeutic. She worked on the base paint while Robyn worked her way through the details, both of them inspiring me with their conversation and making me feel light-hearted and joyful at being there, at embodying such a gloriously beautiful work of art. I had to stand still for long periods of time, or sit with my back very straight or my legs or arms taking turns in positions so that the artists could work their magic on me, and as I kept still I watched the room full of beautiful models be transformed into a roomful of walking works or art: on my right I could see the night-sky for miles on end, as a breath-taking galaxy was being created on the back of Louise Neale by Carrie Cunnington while Anishca Shine was decorated with a beach at night by Clemency Bedford; on my left Abi Falkner transformed her husband Star Falkner Neal into a powerful and nurturing Horned God, a veritable power-couple if I ever saw one! Across the room I could see the lovely and vivacious Linda Ravenscroft turning the eternally sweet Melanie Woodbury into none other than the Morrigan of all people, while Kerry Suzie Sudbury became the very embodiment of Fire at the amazing hands of Sian Eirwen Drew – most appropriate, considering Kerry’s poignant and impressive fire dancing with Luak Fire Tribe.

Watching other artists work around the room was an incredible experience, given that there were over thirty people creating on over thirty bodies at Glastonbury Town Hall! I could spot Eddy Whirl adorning his good friend Sam Smith the Blacksmith to become Thor (with a Sif heart on his bicep and all), as Sam carried his own hammer with pride and dignity, utterly uplifting! Watching the main organisers, Mel Broom and Debbie Payne collaborating to make two beauties into completely different Goddesses: Bastet and Aphrodite, Morgan Pandolfino and Bonnie Stafford respectively, was breathtaking. My friend and fellow life model Katrin Eve was painted by the inimitable Jenny Marquis as Nemesis, which is the exact opposite of Kat and really showcases her performance skills!

The event ran for three years straight before the pandemic hit, and both the 2021 and 2022 events had to be cancelled because of pandemic-related reasons, which has made us all feel sad but uplifted knowing that when we return we’ll be able to create even more lovingly and enthusiastically than ever before, and in all these years I haven't heard a single negative thing about the event, or about any of the artists or models, but rather everyone has been constantly in full awe and support of the intricate beauty of all the creations. There was, however, a very strange comment on one of my friends' threads in 2019 when she shared her pictures of the event: "But what was it for? In the end, nothing but naked people strutting around in their underwear and covered in paint. Great confidence, though." I simply answered that it had been to raise funds for Children's World, but there was plenty more I still needed to answer, although I didn't quite know it at the time...

You see, I come from a country where taking part in an event such as this is highly criticized, even considered tacky and shameful... Not to say that people in Mexico don't appreciate body art at all, oh no! They appreciate it in the viral videos that we send each other on Facebook and WhatsApp, they might even appreciate it greatly if it was brought by a company from the outside, with European, American, Japanese or Brazilian models, maybe even enough to take their families to it! But for someone from their midst to do it? Oh, no... No no no no no... No no no no no... And if it so happens that that someone from their midst who wants to do it looks like me? Ohhhh no... No no no no no no no no no no! No no no no no no no!

Or, maybe I'm exaggerating - maybe it's *not* everyone in Mexico that thinks like that. Maybe it's just the specific society that I was born and raised in. As much as I love my family and friends, I always hurt so deeply for not being considered enough by them in so many ways, and I have to admit that on this topic it's so incredibly clear why I'm here and not there. I mean, I have been modelling for body artists for the past three years and only recently have some of my friends and family started acknowledging it as a real thing that I do.

It's not so much whether I'm considered beautiful enough or not anymore – even though I was bullied throughout my life because of the way I look and I was constantly told I would never make it as a model or as an actress, and only a handful of family and friends back in Mexico were ever supportive of my choices – but rather that there’s still a certain stigma associated with it. But, what does any of this have to do with Children's World, I hear you ask? Well, for starters, the event was open to beginners and veterans alike, which meant that first timers such as Robyn Jean, who painted me, would be showcasing her work next to fantasy art legends such as Terry English and John Mason, and that first time models, such as myself, would be sharing the catwalk with internationally renowned models such as Sofie Maceanruig and Sunnie Daze, and pretty much no one looked down on the beginners! To many people that might be a given, and even those mentioned here could be wondering why I'm even remarking on it - but I know for a fact that it's not like that all over the world, and that it needs to be said.

What's more, the then director of Children's World was one of the amazing models, carrying off the artwork on her body with beauty and grace that had everyone in pure awe of her - Kristen Lindop, I applaud you! Not only was she *not* shamed by anyone and told off for taking her clothes off and being painted in front of the whole town, but she was actually congratulated for it. She was actually told over and over again how impressed they were by her and how beautifully she carried off Ocean Love's artwork on her body. I can't imagine a single scenario in which that would have happened in Durango when I was growing up. Maybe things have changed since last I lived there, but unfortunately I have yet to see it.

So, when someone asked what this was for, that's why a huge part of the answer got stuck in my throat three years ago! So, yes, it was an event for charity and for the entertainment of the community (otherwise it wouldn't have been a sold out event!), but it might also be a huge eye-opener for those who live in different places of the world, considering how they view the arts, the human body, and the expression of both - let alone sexuality! That last one might be a subject for another day, but there is still something associated with that which needs to be addressed: the taboo subject of the beauty of the human body.

Yes, I said taboo. At this time and age we're all used to sayings like "body positivity" and "real women have curves", and even events like this are often marketed as for "no matter what size or shape", which, to begin with is very much all right for helping people feel more confident and to raise awareness in terms of physical and mental health, but I believe we need to look deeper into that. In certain communities this might mean that your courage in taking part in it only relies on how you're *not* model material and that strutting about next to those people who are *real* beauties is something that only someone who has that kind of courage can do. It's a really passive-aggressive way of telling someone they're not very worth finding attractive... Yet it doesn't mean the person isn't attractive, as most of what's considered attractive in societies of that kind is extremely corrupted by the media and social standards (which, as I mentioned above with the example of the body art viral videos, are double standards!).

I have openly spoken before about how I had been told my whole life that I wasn’t enough: not beautiful enough, not enough of a woman, not strong enough, you name it. In my youth I didn’t believe it, but as the decades went by and trauma got into my body and mind, I realised that somewhere along the line I caved in and ended up thinking it was true – after years of abusive relationships, first with people who were supposed to be my friends, then with figures of authority, and finally with a boyfriend who walked away with most of my money and all of my serenity, also adding the physical shock of two miscarriages and a body which will likely never stop feeling unsurmountable bouts of pain 24/7 – one day I found myself repeating the same lines I’d been told as a teenager and a young adult about myself. It wasn’t until I met my now husband that I felt like I was loved for who I was, and I was then able to see that my mind and spirit had succumbed to the social standards I grew up in. No, I was never abused by my family or by any of my close friends (those who I am still close to even in the distance), but rather a lot of the abuse went unnoticed or even unacknowledged because of cultural paradigms, especially those which have to do with sexuality and female attractiveness. To be honest, I find it very tiring that even now, when I speak about this to people, many respond with things like “You shouldn’t care what people think about you”, because as much as it’s perfectly good advice in general, when it comes to abuse, it’s not really up to whether the victim cares or not what the abuser thinks of them, and many people who have told me such things in my life have not taken that into account.

One thing that I can say for sure is that I would not be able to be doing what I am doing now if I was still living in Mexico. I know it for a fact because I tried my best to get into the industry and I was kicked out (in the face and in the bum), not before some of the aforementioned abuse by figures of authority – and all of that is just the tip of the iceberg, but, in any case, I don’t wish to go too deep into all of it because I don’t want to detract from the topic in question – I just wanted to give at least an insight into why that day, that particular birthday nearly three years ago, was such a game changer for me.

Now, I am incredibly lucky to have an amazing husband who not only completely supports me but also constantly goes to great pains to help me get out of the vicious circle of horrid fear and paranoia I keep ending up in... I had 32 years noxious programming to get rid of even before I met him, but Stephen is always there at the ready, just like he was a three years ago, front row and taking pictures of me as Arianrhod. He was there in the morning, carrying everything we needed, and then again to watch the process flow, and yet again at night to watch me dance around naked in front of our community and several hundred visitors. This gorgeous man knows I'm worth supporting, and once again, that's something I could not have found in Durango... This gorgeous man knows I'm full of art and full of fire and that if I don't shine outwardly I will quietly burn in my seat until there's nothing left of me. And he is not afraid to help me shine. He is proud to help me show to the world what I can give! And so we both shine together, as His & Hers Theatre Company or with any other company or group we're working with - although more on that later!

This gorgeous man is also sometimes a woman, depending on how he or she wakes up that day, as genderfluid person experiences said fluidity, and as a bisexual woman, I am lucky that I found such a husband for me – although that seems to be a story for another day, too, but I wanted to introduce the topic because we have both modelled for various events since then, together or separately! The day I was first painted was the first of many, and then came becoming the Yellow Brick Road at the hands of the absolute ray of sunshine that is Sianne Shepherd while the impressive Emma Harvey transformed Stephen into the Wizard of Oz, then becoming a 50s pin-up girl as the amazing Ashley Archer painted such a delicately drawn bikini on me that even now people think it was real fabric; afterwards Sianne allowed me to embody the Goddess Litha while the iconic Tracy Osborne turned my husband into Puck during Bath Body Art Weekend 2019 (organised by the insanely cool triumvirate of Clemency Bedford, Helen Esain-Eyre and Annie Green), and I closed the year by being Emma Harvey’s model in her studio's open day when she painted me alongside the great Lucy Tunç. When Glastonbury Body Art Festival 2020 came around, the magnificent Erica Wafford made me into her Mandala Queen while Sian Eirwen Drew turned Stephen into Anubis, and next month Sharon Connaughton used her magical talents to cover me in flowers for her uni exams – then the pandemic hit and many events had to be cancelled, but I got lucky and when Bath Body Art Weekend 2021 was green lit, the utterly talented Sam Marchington gave me the honour of painting me as her idea of the embodiment of the language of love, thus winning first prize on the novice competition, while the fantastic Elaine Meyer-Turner painted Stevie as the embodiment of love on a beach; following from that I was painted by Tracy Osborne as Guy Fawkes and Stephen became a medallion man – both in completely different events, I hurry to say – before we converged in what has so far been our last event and I was given free reign to make my own design for a Freedom-themed event, which I took advantage of to honour George Michael and his coming-out song: Freedom! ’90, and which Sammie Robyn Banks took on with all her talent and skill to make it real (see what I did there?). In the meantime, Debbie Payne and a new friend, the lovely Helen Garnsworthy, painted Stevie’s 6’2” frame golden and transformed her into the African Sun. And last but not least, I ended 2021 being painted by the ultra-fabulous Sophie Aina Clift and Stephen by the lovely Sam as they entered us into the Christmas Jumper Gibraltar Competition, and we will start 2022 by swapping over for the Bath Bodyart Valentine's meetup as Sam paints me again and Sophie paints Stephen!

There is so much more I want to write about each one of these events and extraordinarily talented people, but for the time being I wish to close by saying that the day I turned 37 I became more me than I had ever imagined I would be. In a few weeks I turn 40, and don’t want to lose myself – even with the pandemic, even with the unfortunate cancellation of events and festivals, even with my health issues and my backstory of personal trauma – instead, when I turn 40 I wish to find myself even more. Body art has given me that, since that very first day in January 12th, 2019. By then I had been modelling for art classes and feeling more and more in charge of my body again, slowly regaining the confidence I had lost several years before, and joyfully the art classes have been ongoing even through the pandemic. I want more of that in 2022: more art, more life drawing sessions, more body art experiences, more roles which bring me closer to myself. There will be a series on each one of the paints as well as new ones as the year progresses – so watch this space!

In the meantime, you can visit my portfolio here, and you can watch a video of me as Arianrhod on the catwalk here. My Vocal profile picture is Litha, by Sianne Shepherd. You can also visit Glastonbury Body Art Festival and Children's World fb pages to show them some support and see some of the pictures mentioned above! Other open pages to look at designs mentioned are Bath Bodyart Weekend and Gibraltar Face & Body Paint Assosiation.

A few more pieces and poetry I've written on similar subjects can be found in What it Means to be a Woman, Swimsuits and Lingerie for Mental Health Awareness, Mandala Queen and Simply Me. You can also contact me directly on the His & Hers Theatre Company link in my profile bio if you wish to book me for body art events, art classes, commercial or artistic photoshoots, or other performances. 2022, here I come!