What it means to be a woman

What it means to be a woman, even though it varies from country to country and from generation to generation, has the same basis for all of us. Every single one of us, that I personally know, have been told at one time or another that we are not enough of a woman. Some of us have even been told so as recently as today, the international celebration of womanhood!

Some of us carry scars, physical or emotional, or both, just for the very fact of having been born a woman. Some of us have had to hide ourselves, quiet down, shrink our muchness, even turn to manliness sometimes, in order to protect ourselves from the pain. Some of us have been made to believe that if we're invisible then we won't be their prey, or that if we've been born in a particular way then we'll never amount to femininity. Some of us have fought back and opened up the barriers of communication, leading to real changes for equality and rights.

In my experience, that fight has been an upwards struggle, a constant reminder that I was not born with the attributes of what makes a woman and thus I do not deserve to be celebrated today, and even worse, it has been underlined with the fear of being attacked just for the fact of having been born a woman even if socially I wasn't recognised as one. The consequences of that haven't fully left my body and soul even after living in another country for 8 years. I second guess myself and still have a substantial fear of being judged one way or another by people just by whether I show my cleavage or wear lipstick or not, and there are also bits of my body where past anxiety is still stuck and it's literally been a pain to remove it from there.

I will say, however, just like I've said before, it's not that Mexico is a nightmare in itself, and thankfully I have a family who supported me stoically! From a dad who constantly and consistently talked me out of cosmetic surgery and encouraged me to embrace body positivity, to a mum who was open and wise about the physical aspects of growing up and about her own trauma so I could understand better and act accordingly in my own case, to a sister who wisely brandished away other people's comparisons between us and encouraged me to find my own style and ways, to other members of my family who had my back or slowly understood too, so at least I've had that support around me. I know many other women who had less, and some even from other countries too...

Before you continue reading: major trigger warning ahead. A lot of what I'll talk about has to do with actual cases of sexual assault in various degrees and even femicide.

Anyway, the situation, as it stands, in Mexico there's still the need to approach the treatment of women with a full legal and policing way. Issues like domestic violence and sexual abuse are still seen in some places as provoked by the woman herself, and femicide is still lessened in importance by some groups as a way to withdraw the protection that women should have. I remember study cases from when I was doing my degree in International Relations of wives in marginal towns going into the police station and being told that she must have provoked her husband so as to beat her so or that she'd broken the arm of her assailant when he tried to rape her in the metro station so she's the one who had to do the time in jail while he walked free. I remember the murder of the beauty queen (from another school) by two taxi drivers which happened just a few minutes drive away from the university I was in, who left her hanging from a tree after drugging, torturing her and raping her - and they had special treatment during the little time they served, as well having less time to serve alledgedly because they had only acted in accordance with how males react to sexy and alluring females.

Believe me that it is a shock to me when I hear new-agey things like: "We seek out our own experiences in order to learn from them", or "We need pain in order to grow", or "We come into this world already knowing what we will experience and we chose to experience those things". I never knew the girl, but I am 100% certain that she never chose any of that. I didn't choose to be assaulted by a complete stranger when I was only a child; I didn't choose to be assaulted by the director of a play I was in and later on to be taken off another project because he'd told the production team that I was too uptight to do a sexual scene and I'd refused to work with him, I didn't choose to be assaulted by my best friend's boyfriend when I was telling him about my two failed pregnancies and he decided it meant I was coming on to him by talking about making babies; I didn't choose to be assaulted by someone in the room while I was literally having a miscarriage, for that matter! I didn't choose to be assaulted on the train literally the morning I had landed back in Mexico to prepare my wedding and comply with UK's visa conditions. And the list goes on.

And lists upon lists could be made for most of the women I know. One didn't choose to have a father that would put her down at any time he could. Another didn't choose to have a mother whose ideas of femininity meant that my friend would have to stick to strict diets so as to keep herself to size 2 and thus be a woman God would really love. Another sure as hell didn't choose to be sexually assaulted at age 4. Another didn't choose to be born in what socially is considered a "male" body (and to have her struggle to be thrown in her face by people, too!). Another didn't choose to make the choices she appeared to have made when she got engaged to a doctor who later sent her to a rehab facility and broke off the engagement, but was instead manipulated into making them by him and also because of other people's standards. None of them ever chose to be attacked, assaulted and undefined as they were (and in some cases still are!).

Side note here, because it's important: exactly the same can be said about men - they didn't decide to be attacked, assaulted and undefined either. Male victims are particularly hard to deal with for some people because men are still seen only as the attacker in so many cases, and it's heartbreaking to see how much men suffer sometimes without being able to speak up or even being believed when they do.

Back to the point. In my case, I initially dealt with my reality by hiding myself in manliness. What first seemed like an act of rebellion against male/female social standards swiftly turned into an active case of cross-dressing in order to become invisible to men. I was an early developer, having the first curves and possibly period in my class, even though I was always the youngest in my grade. But I also had PCOS, which meant testosterone levels through the ceiling and all the skin and hair issues that come with it, as well as withering pain every X number of weeks or sometimes months. So, being that I also understood the biology of the body way more than anyone of my generation back then, I actually wondered if I was intersex or maybe even a man who'd been born with the "wrong" organs. I was 13, maybe 14 at the time. I was confused and misled by the social standards of my race and time, but it inevitably led me to explore, research and understand the gender structures within society, culture, religion and history, so I have a deep appreciation to myself for having had the mindset of that approach to things. For several years after, I fluctuated between masculine and feminine until I was approached by a child who asked me who I really wanted to be. The answer to that, in my heart, mind, body and soul, was "A Woman". The story is a lot longer and more convoluted than that, but for now suffice to say that I ditched everything that I had been using as a protection and began to explore my own femininity. And by my own I mean my own, the one that I only have and no other woman has. Each one of us have our own femininity just as each man has his own masculinity, and each gender-fluid person has their own of each, too, and each non-binary person has their own self as well. Sense of self is an individual matter and every single way everyone wishes to convey that self is valid.

So, I re-explored myself, following not a path but more like a tree, with branches going everywhere and criss-crossing with itself, and new leaves growing out from season to season. I preferred it like that as that gave me an opportunity to look back at my different styles and pick and choose from there. Yet that wasn't enough for me to be acknowledged as a woman in my entirety - oh no - I still needed that alluring quality that I was formally and explicitly told by many people, men and women alike, I resolutely didn't have!

Let me expand on this a bit: you know that song from Rent, "Out Tonight?" That's a song that's always been particularly triggering for me because as I grew up it's basically what was always explained to me that women had to be like in order to BE women. I've said it before and I'll say it until it sinks in for anyone who hasn't got it yet: in Mexico, the only way to actually be beautiful is to wear makeup. In other people-s eyes, I fluctuated between ugly and plain because I wear no to very little makeup. I literally do BB cream, mascara and lipstick, and eyeliner or glitter only if I'm performing in something specific. Add to that that as you grow up in Mexico you're expected to be the one who everyone chases after and who gets everything for free just because you're a woman. You're expected to like to have lots of fun and lots of giggles and lots of boys asking you for dates. But not to get drunk or to have sex cos that's not Catholic.

Well, that's what that song is about, and that's what I was constantly and explicitly told that I would never be like. There were even times when I was out with a group of friends and there were guys there who had treated them to all kinds of things for free the last few times they'd gone out together, but because I was there then I had to pay my own stuff, or even worse in my friend's eyes, that because I was there we *all* had to pay a share of what had been drunk (even though I hadn't drunk at all because I was on medication at the time). And that's kind of just the tip of the iceberg. I was never allowed to showcase myself as a woman because as soon as I did that someone, anyone, would complain for different reasons. I have spoken about all of this before and will keep expanding in the future for the sake of those who might find it beneficial, but for now I will carry on with what I deem to be the general female experience.

Carrying on, I admit that I'm constantly astounded by hearing the stories of women who are ten or twenty years older than me and who've experienced extremely similar things to myself but over here, in a completely different country and what I would have understood as completely different circumstances. I don't see as many ladies in my generation having being lowered down as I was when we were growing up, and very rarely for the same reasons if they were, except if they were born with a particular body type that does not go according to social standards - too fat, too skinny, "was born male" (which particularly irks me, as they were certainly not born male! Trans women were born female but, in short, by hormonal issues developed organs associated with the male structure, and vice versa with Trans men. I recommend TransgenderFacts.org for anyone who whishes to understand more about this subject).

Oh, I can nearly hear it now, people asking me what I'm on about, since I've already declared that I was confused regarding my gender. Yes, that's right I was confused; *me*, but that doesn't mean other people are too. I had that particular experience, and I'm too painfully aware of how many people discredit being Trans on the basis that they could "just be confused". To be absolutely blunt and brutal, that is a huge disservice to both Trans people and confused Cis people. Same applies for genderfluid and non-binary individuals, by the way. Social standards have a lot to answer for the treatment of all groups, especially on days like this when femininity is celebrated but for some people only the type of femininity that fits their mould will get to be wished anything good today...

I feel that this has grown a bit too long, so I might try closing with a bit more of an insight into how harmed feminity has become, and how harmed masculinity has also become without maybe even realising so. Remember the song from Rent I mentioned above? "Out tonight"? Well, after everything I explained that the song says, the character, gorgeous and alluring exotic dancer Mimi, goes on to sing that they should get so drunk and go to a place so dark "So we forget who we are". It really leaves me thinking! Why would she, of all people, the one who in many eyes is upheld as the paragon of beauty, sexiness and allure, want her and her date to forget who they are? Why would anyone who has everything that supposedly everyone wants to have (and presumably envies her for it) want for her and her date to forget who they are? Food for thought, isn't it? I've already previously explained how Jonathan Larson's character, Mimi, is someone who puts on a front of being tough and street smart but in the end is the one who is most lost, and that, to me, is the epitome of the consequences of forced feminity. Needless to say, the actress portraying her has to be able to portray both sides with enough depth, and not be someone with just a pretty face - and there's nothing wrong with being a pretty face, but when it comes to the harm that comparison creates, when someone is put high up on a pedestal just because of their perceived beauty and nothing else, and others suffer because they are automatically seen as less, then there's an issue, particularly when the subject on the pedestal feeds the crowd's affection for them and uses it to make others feel lesser, that that is something that a lot of women in that position do. Growing up in Mexico was very difficult not just because of predatory men but also because of how many times the lady on the pedestal made sure that the rest of us were squashed under her foot. There's a lot of memes and artwork going around advocating for the ceasing of comparison between women, and I do wonder how many people would be surprised to know how the comparison between women is in some cases instigated by some women to make sure that they are seen as better than other women and that they are now advocating for the comparison to stop so that those who were their victims don't out them as the manipulators that they have been? I think this could be a subject for a whole new entry at some point...

Back to the subject: let's all forget who we are after I've seduced you and bragged about how I get everything for free and how everyone wants me so much that they'll fight over me might possibly not be the healthiest approach to femininity... A lot of that has been in my head as I've recently been in a production of Rent (alongside my proudly gender-fluid and always gorgeous husband Stephen Stevie, by the way!), and I was lucky enough to play a role which functions as a beacon to call Mimi out from the darkness after she's been lost for months - Mimi's mum, Mrs. Marquez, who only has a few lines and repeats them in an intrinsically woven roundel alongside some of the other parents in the cast. I was initially reluctant to take on the character, knowing that singing publicly in Spanish, in a musical that means so much to me for different reasons, might do things to my head that I wasn't ready for, but after some consideration and the right guidance I was able to tap into the bit of me that, as much as it did malfunction when the time came and made me cry A LOT, it also gave me the strength the character needs to portray as she calls out to her daughter. I wondered, who is Mimi, really? What is she hiding so desperately from? Why does she so fervently want to forget who she is? Her mom is obviously looking for her, she clearly cares about her daughter, so why is Mimi running? And then it hit me. I was playing a character that effectively showcases the dynamic of generational standards in Latino families, which meant that she herself had already gone through (and was possibly still going through) the same things Mimi sang about. I knew in a heartbeat what Mimi was running away from and why she so desperately wanted for her and her date to forget who they were, and why the song triggers me so.

Because when you're born a woman you get attacked just by the fact that you're a woman. Regardless of whether or not you conform to the social standards of what a woman is, you will still be attacked just by having been born a woman. And you will get attacked both by men and by women, regardless of how the media tries to portray it. The amount of times I've been in a dressing room and one woman notoriously makes it so that all eyes are on her and belittles everyone else in a sugary-sweet way that fools everyone into thinking that she's just being kind to those "less fortunate than her"; the amount of times I've heard women make an event or a special room for "all women" but keep some women out because they're not what the organisers deem women to be; the amount of times I've struggled to be seen as desirable so as to get a role or a particular modelling job and the answer is something to the effect of "Well, of course you couldn't have competed with *her*, she's what people want to see, not you...", and the amount of times I'm sure the exact same thing happens to many of my friends in the industry; the amount of times any combination of these things has happened (and once again, the list could go on), to me, really beggars belief. Disbelief that it's 2020 and the news of women being abused from all fronts and all contexts is still happening...

I hope that humanity can begin to see that we desperately need to start remembering who we are and stop attacking and abusing each other. I hope that equality does not transform into the discovery that men are attacked and abused as much as women, but rather that both men and women are equally safe from attacks and abuse. I long to live in a world where everyone can freely express who they are and if anyone does not like it they just step away and let the person be. No holding back, no attack, no abuse, no putting down or harming in any way, just the sidestep move to let the person continue being. Those who don't like it don't have to hold the person they don't like up, they can literally just step away and let them be!

So, on this International Women's Day I wish my gorgeous Stevie, all the wonderful women in my family, all my fabulous lady friends and colleagues a wonderful day of exploration, understanding and acknowledgement from all fronts!

And may equality reign at last!

As always, the me that's me,

Sandra Cole ~ Actress, Model, Writer, Witch

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Thank you for reading my article! Since writing this piece I have written more about this topic. My experience as a body art model can be found if you click on The Naked Canvas, and a poem about said experience is at Mandala Queen. Other poems about designs I've modelled will come soon, as well as a piece on being a life model, so watch this space! In the meantime, Simply Me is a poem which originated a lot of my written expression about womanhood, and Swimsuits and Lingerie for Mental Health Awareness is another piece about my modelling experience.