The #MeToo Gift

#NoMoreShame

I love that idea, that hashtag… I really do. Do you hear the “but” coming?

BUT: I have an issue with the slogan I love, the slogan that I am living on the outside and trying to live on the inside. Is there really such a thing as #NoMoreShame?? Can it really be achieved? I feel this strange sort of pressure to comply and act as though I have already achieved it—but I won’t do that, no matter the pressure, as I know it defeats the purpose… my purpose.

#NoMoreShame is designed to free former victims of abuse from the chains left behind by our perpetrators.

#NoMoreShames shines a glaring light on the people who preyed on us. It is as much a threat to abusers as it is comfort and healing for the victims who are reclaiming their lives. It releases us from the burden of guilt that was never ours to carry. More reasons I love #NoMoreShame

I was a part of the #metoo movement before there was one; that’s why I grasped onto #nomoreshame. The #metoo movement has alleviated ALL of the shame I carried for the rapes and molestations that I have suffered by multiple assailants throughout my childhood. So much so that instead of stating that a family member molested me as a child I no longer allow my abuser, my maternal grandfather to remain nameless; I have stopped protecting the family members and taken a stand for myself, letting go of a secret that was never mine to keep.

As far as the rest of #nomoreshame goes my truth is that I carry a little shame somewhere in my body… It’s a feeling of slight anxiety… embarrassment. Some of those feelings are related to the fear of being judged, and the reality that I am being judged. Some of those feelings have no root, they just are.

I know in my mind that I have nothing to be ashamed of. Yes, I am a survivor of sexual, physical, and emotional abuse. Yes, I was homeless when I was 13 off and on for over three years. Yes, I was a missing child because I ran away from “home.”

I know in my heart that I have nothing to be ashamed of; the shame should be on those that victimized me. My heart protects that little child within and reinforces that she was not to blame.

I have written about and detailed the worst of those moments in my book, Missing: A True Story of a Childhood LOST. I speak about my experiences to live audiences and on radio, television, and podcasts. It would seem by my actions that I am a poster child for #NoMoreShame. Yet as I use the hashtag regularly, I feel a responsibility to “out” myself. There are days I live my life in “fake it ’til I make it” mode. #NoMoreShame is not a part of those days. On those days it’s more like #ALittleBitOfShame and I am ok with it, maybe even a little more than just ok.

I was a baby when my mother neglected me so badly that I would be found in my crib eating my own waste. #ALittleBitOfShame

I was 5-years-old my mother dropped me out of a a 2-story window. #NoMoreShame

My grandfather molested me throughout my childhood. #NoMoreShame #Metoo

A lifeguard molested me when I was 9-years-old #NoMoreShame THANK YOU #Metoo

I lost my virginity to rape when I was 12-years-old #NomoreShame THANK YOU #Metoo

I was raped multiple times when I was a runaway. #NomoreShame THANK YOU #Metoo

The last grade I completed was grade 8. #NomoreShame

I’ve been arrested for stealing food. ALittleBitOfShame

Living fearlessly with #NoMoreShame doesn’t mean I have to feel that way 100 percent of the time. It just means I have to be true to myself. Today I am on a mission to live #NoMoreShame without the pressure of succumbing to a moment of #ALittleBitOfShame. After all NOBODY is perfect and EVERYONE has a story :)

"Once upon a time I was a missing child."A child who belonged to no one, a child of the streets. Missing at the tender age of 13, Marnie experienced the worst of humanity firsthand. I began running away at the age of five after my mother dropped me out of a two-story window. Two broken arms later I was sent to live with my grandparents ... the creators of my mother. I spent the rest of my childhood running away, until finally, at the 13, I stayed away for good."

MISSING: A True Story of a Childhood Lost is a story of a young girl's survival, a woman's surthrival. It is a story of suffering, of healing, of rising up against all odds and discovering the power of the human spirit to heal and love.

"I decided that I was going through this hell as a kind of pre-payment for a good life. From a very young age I always knew that better days lay ahead. Now I had an explanation as to why: I was paying up front. I decided that I was destined for greatness and I just had to power through."