On Being Child-Free

When people find out that I'm not having kids, I often hear things through the grapevine like, 'she'll change her mind', or 'there's little purpose without children', or, 'it's selfish not to have kids'.

What I want to say to every woman out there is that not having children is a completely valid and honourable choice. We should never be made to feel guilty. We should also never be made to feel as if not having them is a mistake.

There is often a societal stigma against people (especially women) who openly choose not to have children. Like many social issues, there is a wall that needs to be broken down, so that people don't feel forced to stay silent about it. In the same way that we should respect people's religious beliefs or sexual orientation, a woman has the right to decide not to be a mother. As does a man not to be a father. And she or he should be celebrated for their decision just as much as someone else who chooses to have kids.

I should also pause here to say that I think that parenthood is a truly beautiful thing. I love to see babies and children with their parents, and the wonder of that link as they interact. I am genuinely happy for other people and their ongoing journey as parents. But it's just not for me.

I know there are people out there who weren't really thinking of having kids, but did so by accident or without planning it. They say it's the best thing that ever happened, and they don't look back. I also know of people who really wanted children, and then had regrets afterwards. The fact of the matter is that raising kids is a deeply personal and deeply complicated experience.

Throughout my life, I have of course had those curious flashes of what it would be like to have kids. I wondered what my children would look like, what they would grow up to be, and what kind of parent I'd make. But those flashes were rare, and when they happened, it didn't feel like something I really wanted. I never yearned to be pregnant or felt that burning desire to be a mother.

I briefly considered going through with it in my early thirties, because it was expected, but I soon realised it would feel wrong in every way. I knew deep down that having kids is not in my destiny, not because of any hatred towards motherhood, but because I know my purpose in life involves other things.

If I were to visualise being a mother now, it would simply be a curious thought. But it doesn't fill me with any kind of longing or emptiness. I don't feel as if I've lost anything. In fact, it's really quite the contrary. My partner and I are living a life that is contentedly childless with an abundance of purpose. At this stage in our early 40s, we know we are meant to do other things in life and we couldn't be happier.

So if you're one of those women who is sitting on the fence, or is too scared to say you don't want children, don't hide. Be proud of your decision to create the life that you want, and don't feel you have to preface it with an excuse of some kind. It doesn't have to be tied to issues of indecision, or even over-population (although that it is also a valid reason not to have kids). We should be able to say it with certainty and with pride in the same way that we say we choose to do anything else in life.

I never wanted to have children. And never will. And that's more than ok.