#metoo: Thoughts for the Men We Love

I am really looking forward to the day when I don't first need to preface this post by saying I understand a lot of readers may not necessarily agree with this, and that clearly I am not casting all men into a pit of shame and blame. I'd really like to not need to remind the men who I love dearly that I do not see them all as mainstream jerks who've ruined my, or other women's lives.

But I know that for the time being, that still needs to be said in order to first settle any of the fires that instantly begin to rage when, god forbid, the subject of harassment comes up... we'll get there one day.

There, that's out of the way.

I've been told this isn't the best way to begin a blog. Write about nice things, Katie! People don't want to constantly be reading depressing articles, and hard topics. Not a great way to get your stuff out there.

Like the good Christian-schooled girl I am, I don't like to ruffle feathers; or at least I didn't used to. But the thing is, it's hard to write about anything else when this is what's on my mind. So keep your feathers nicely tucked in, put your big girl/boy pants on, and let's address this.

I hope that by now, a lot of you have seen the #metoo movement happening on social media. Women around the world who have experienced some form of sexual harassment, or sexual assault, are setting their status to “Me Too” in an effort to show the vastness of women affected by this.

Whenever a topic like this comes up in a social and public setting, I can instantly feel the virtual eye roll of a large male population. I've been fortunate enough to not receive as much physical and verbal backlash as others when bringing this up, but there is a very distinct tone, at the very least in the background and often in the forefront, that insinuates this is frivolous, attention-seeking, girls club talk. “Whining,” if you will. I don't know why it's so immediate, but guys, you get your defensive on so fast. There's a resounding boom of #notallmen! And a lot of you, (remember, as prefaced, I'm not talking about every single Y chromosome), absolutely hate hearing about it.

Some are even quite aggressively anti-victim, along with being defensive. Right away, a number of comments come to mind, whether I've heard them specifically or can picture the face of someone who couldn't quite say what they were thinking out loud.

“For goodness sake, nothing really happened!”... “You're fine!”... “Well, were you leading him on or something?”... “Maybe don't wear tight jeans to work!”... “Feminists are all worked up again.”

If this is you, maybe check this out. Aside from those, I've had complete, long conversations with men I respect and care for who either didn't realize the reality of the situation in our culture for women, or who flat out refused to believe it was true. Men who, with the best of intentions, really didn't understand why it might be intimidating for a woman to walk through a crowd of men in broad daylight. Or have a meeting at work, as the only female in a male dominated environment. Or address your male principle, one on one.

And its not surprising how it might be hard to understand as a man, because in our culture this might never be an experience you go through in your entire life. Which is not to say that men don't face difficulties, or struggle with social settings, but the overwhelming majority of men are not going to experience sexual threat and degradation first hand. Perhaps, then, that requires education and a willingness to listen to those who have. I suppose, if you truly have some mental blinders, or live quite sheltered, you might never see this in real time. Unless you, yourself, are the assaulter, or predator, which of course you're not. Because you're a good guy.

So, lets assume then that you are not the problem. (Although, practically speaking, for every female who's experienced sexual harassment, there's a male in the crowd who did the assaulting, so you take a look around the room and do the math.) Let's assume that neither you, or your friends, or your coworkers are these men. You're all just a bunch of good ol' boys; bros before... well, ya.

Assuming this, lets then say that all of you have never once made light of a female's subjugation. You are all the guys who stop the bro next to you when he makes a “rape joke.” (Spoiler- there are no rape 'jokes.' Jokes are funny). You're also never the guy who brushes off a woman who comes forward and says she was the victim of assault. You take each one seriously, and strive to make things better, right? You and your buddies do not entertain indecent slander of the girl who works in the department next to you, you shut that sh$t down, every time. And if your wife/sister/friend mentions she had an uncomfortable exchange with her male boss, or had a coworker move in too close when asked to back up, you immediately affirm her right to unashamedly bring this to management's attention, and/or take a stand for her yourself.

Because I know you're good guys, who want the women in your lives to have the same respect and safety that you experience.

You don't want any of them to feel that the way they dress for work/school/grocery shopping should affect their safety. (Which, statistically, it doesn't anyway). You don't think any of them are less deserving of respect than a man who does the same job. You certainly wouldn't want them to feel the need to stay silent when harassment or assault does take place.

So good. Lets say then, the next time someone comes forward and attests to either physical or verbal abuse by a man, instead of immediately feeling defensive or suspicious, you might take a moment to realize that this happens every day, and thank goodness you're not the jerk with the upper hand who abused his proximity to another human being, but instead a woke individual who demands everyone be treated better, starting with your interactions that day.

You're likely a hard working employee, who tries his best, and earns his wages well. You might be a loving husband who treats his wife with respect, and vice versa. You are caring sons, and awesome brothers, and the life of the party when you want to be. You're loved by all the women in your life. And all we want is that the good men we know so well might side with us and not against us; that you all might realize we're not attacking you when we point out, some of your bro's are jerks. Some of them make us extremely uncomfortable and at times, downright terrified. Some of them are in our schools, our work, our laundry mat. Some of them call us “b$tch” when we say no, and look us up and down three times before they meet our eyes.

All we'd want is that you side with the victims, and not the jerks. And that you cut that bro off next time he makes that “joke.” Because the more good men there are, the less room there is for the bad ones.

So I really hope that some day soon, I won't have to first open this article by reminding you that you're good, and we know that. I hope that the assumption will already be that this is for all of us to fix together, and we're only tired of having to stay silent for your comfort. We'd like to be comfortable too.