Men Don’t Believe Us

To make my point, let’s start with a little story from my morning commute.

My workplace is in the city, but in such a hard-to-reach spot that we’re provided transport to the office from the city center. Since there’s no bus or train to make it there, everyone who works in the building either gets there in their own car or by minibus from the city center.

The other day, I was waiting for the minibus in the small terminal building where they pick us up. There had just been a COVID case in one of the buses, so for a few days they had been replaced with cars, while the buses were being completely disinfected and the people exposed to the virus quarantined.

One guy arrived. “Are the buses back?” he asked me. I nodded in response. But instead of believing my word, he left and went to ask an employee of the terminal.

Guy number two arrived, asking the same question, but directing it at guy number one instead of me. Guy number one shrugged.

“One of the people on my team just confirmed the buses are back,” I told guy number two. But instead of believing me, he needed to ask someone else.

“What is it with men not believing women? It’s like I don’t exist,” I said to the first one as the second one went out looking for a car, only to return to us a little later.

“I don’t think that’s it,” he said.

Source: Giphy

Okay then.

A couple of minutes later, the minibus arrived. The driver got out and headed for the bathroom before we could reach the bus.

I went to open the door. It was locked.

Guy number one approached.

“It’s locked,” I said. He tried it.

Guy number two joined us.

“It’s locked,” I repeated. He, too, tried the door, then looked at guy number one for support. He shrugged.

The driver arrived and saw us waiting outside.

“It’s locked,” I said. He walked over to us and tried the door. It was locked.

Guy number one looked at me as I raised my hand.

Source: Giphy

“Three out of three,” I said. The three men I’d come into contact with that morning chose not to pay any attention to what I said.

He looked uncomfortable. I hope he went home that day thinking about it, even just a little bit.

The Epitome of Mansplaining

I found this scene incredibly funny as it happened. I still do. Because it’s so telling of a bigger issue — the fact that men don’t believe what women tell them, even if it’s a simple thing.

This isn’t the first time this has happened to me, of course. Case in point: dating.

I’ve been single a long time, and I’ve received a lot of mansplaining whenever I go on dates. For some reason, these men feel the need to explain things I already know.

There was one guy who had a PhD. He was probably the first man I’ve been with who owns more books than I do. The problem was, he didn’t enjoy the fact that I also knew things. Sometimes, I knew much more about things than he did.

He mansplained me the female orgasm. No, he was not a doctor.

And no, he did not know how to give me one.

He just didn’t think that my opinion on the topic was relevant, whether it was me explaining what I wanted, or me trying to show it to him. Because he didn’t believe what I said.

He wanted to tell me how things worked, so I’d know better. About my orgasms. If that isn’t the perfect dictionary example of mansplaining, I don’t know what is.

Bye.

Source: Giphy.

It Doesn’t Matter How Much You Know

In my day job, in a political environment, I’ve been treated pretty awfully. I’ve been yelled at more than once, and threatened by several men. Politics is an overwhelmingly male and pretty traumatizing place to work.

The thing that really drives me crazy, though, is when men refuse to believe what I say, or even begin to listen. When I do my job better than others and I know what I’m talking about, but nobody will hear it.

I think a lot of women have had the experience of trying to make their voice heard in a meeting, and not getting anyone to pay attention. Male voices drown ours, and our ideas don’t get the time they deserve. That is, until a man presents them as their own.

If this happens to you, don’t worry. It’s not your fault. They’re just physically incapable of listening to you!

I had a conversation about politics with a male coworker a couple of weeks ago, and I explained him something he didn’t know. However, he didn’t believe me. The next week, he told me about something his (male) friend had told him. And guess what? It was exactly the same thing I had said.

He hadn’t even registered what I’d said. He had just decided to close his ears when I said something, and only listen when a man was speaking. Then, he pretended he was giving me new information. My opinion was less valuable than his friend’s, even when the friend had the same academic qualifications as I do.

When Bad Things Happen

But men not believing us is not just annoying. It can put us in danger, for example when we’re faced with a predatory man in a work setting. Hello to the Cuomos and the Cosbys and the Weinsteins, and so many others out there. If there’s no way to make people hear us, they’re not there to help us when we need an ally.

Remember Christine Blasey Ford in the Kavanaugh hearings? I’m not even American, but I remember how shocked I was to see it so clearly. A woman describing a traumatic experience, and men not accepting her words. Why would they?

When bad things happen, men don’t believe women. Because they never do, even in the simple things.

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This story was originally published by me, on Medium.