This story has disturbing descriptions. If it’s too much I urge you to pause and recuperate. Thank you🤍 This is my story that I am still struggling to recover from.
Hanging out with friends seemed pretty normal for me in high school. Slumber parties, BBQ gathers, Pool parties were quite fun for me. That all changed after February 11th 2016...
I was invited to a small get together with my ex and his best friend, the three of us went to school and always hung out together so this seemed normal to me. I went at noon and promised my mom i’ll be home before 5pm. I wore a grey sweater and black leggings, nothing revealing.
I got there and we immediately did what teenagers do now a days. We smoked and drinked, yes I should of known better but I thought I was in a safe environment. I was with someone I loved and his best friend, they couldnt of hurt me...
I took the last shot that I remember taking, went over to my phone where it was charging and texted someone. The last place I remember being at was the Kitchen ; somehow I ended up downstairs in the basement. My memory of this is very blurry; I remember sleeping and cuddling up with a big teddy bear that belonged to my ex’s baby sister, being pushed around in my sleep..
I remember the feeling of something going in and out of my throat very rapidly to the point where I threw up. I passed out and regained my consciousness around 11pm.
My parents were freaking out and eventually found my location, and drove me home. No questions were asked, I woke up again around 3:30am because I got hungry. I went into the bathroom and saw white like substance on my shirt and leggings and my hair was crusty. My throat was soar, it felt like something was shoved into it. I had trouble speaking the next day but I didn’t think much of it at the time, I thought it was just from me throwing up.
My thoughts changed when I returned to school on Monday. My ex always walked me half way home; during our walk we were talking about the weekend and I mentioned how I was drunk I was. My ex looked at me and said
“Yeah you really do preform better when you’re drunk, you should bring out that freakiness more”
I looked at him all confused. I asked “What do you mean by that?” He replied with “You know how to suck **** really good when you’re drunk, we should find a place where you can do that again”
I was in complete shock, I don’t remember doing that during the weekend, did I really do that? I don’t remember saying yes or anything. Did I allow it?
The next day I mentioned it to the school police officers but they didn’t want to investigate it, all they did was call him down and get him to apologize. I remember that officers name. I will never forget or forgive that officer. You could of helped me but you failed to do your job. You’re too weak to be a cop if you’re unable to help a 16 year old girl.
The rest of my high school years turned for the worse. Our relationship began to deteriorate when he started to get involved more with drugs. But that’s another story.
Eventually the school found out what happened to me that night, I did not receive any support from anyone in my grade. Not even my family had my back. Everyone called me a “hoe” at one point. Rumours were spreaded about me; like how I suck d*** for drugs/food, or how I would allow the football team to run a train on me.
My anxiety got to the point where I couldn’t view my naked body..
Everytime I looked at myself in the mirror, I would see a black shadow and then a rush of chills went down my body, goosebumps everywhere. I couldn’t look at myself the same way anymore, I couldn’t unsee that shadow around me, I felt violated.
I turned to drugs to escape but I couldn’t take them during school hours, turning everyone’s comments into jokes was the way I survived. I started laughing at the comments being made to be in public but it was killing me inside. I depended on xanax and oxycontin to help me feel numb. I didn’t want to have emotions at all. My drug use continued to affect my life in grade 11,12 and a year and a half of college.
In the beginning of my third year of college which was September 2019. I was finally happy with how my life was, I was almost a year clean of xanax and oxycotin, I got a job that I absolutely love everything seemed like it was going good for me. Well...
On the third week of school, I had to go to the bathroom and was approached by a girl who my ex cheated on me with. I didn’t recognize her at first but she knew me. We had a conversation about my ex and everything that happened during that time. I mentioned this incident I am writing about to her and her reaction startled me. She wasn’t surprised, it was almost like she knew about it too. Her response was even worse...
She said “Oh yeah i remember seeing the video of that on Twitter”
“What video” I asked
“One of them posted your rape video on Twitter, I saw it on video” she responded.
My heartbeat was beating fast, I felt like I had to throw up.. I was getting uncomfortable around her and decided to go to class, she walked with me to my class, hugged me and said “bye.” After that day, she can’t look at me face to face
I went to class and started hyperventilating, I had an anxiety attack in the middle of class. I luckily had an amazing professor who noticed my anxiety attack. She pulled me aside and asked what happened. I broke down and told her everything that happened to me in high school, she hugged me and took me to counselling demanding I get help. She didn’t return back to teach the class until I saw a counsellor. Bless her heart.
From there I was able to get a police restraining order on my ex and his crazy ex. I was upset thought because my past was still haunting me. I was transferred to a location in the hospital designed for survivors of sexual domestic violence and started going to counselling sessions.
As of 2020, I am currently still in sessions for my trauma, I was diagnosed with PTSD. Even though this happened to me 4 years ago, it still feels like this happened to me yesterday. It doesn’t matter how long ago it happened, it’s okay to still be in the process of healing. Healing takes patiences, don’t rush to be healed.