#metoo
#metoo

I Know Why They Call You a "Hoe"

by Aly Oh 18 days ago in body

. . . I know

I Know Why They Call You a "Hoe"
Photo by Marcus Dall Col on Unsplash

I KNOW.

I know what it is like to be molested. I know how it feels to be violated by a family member and a friend of the family. I know what it is like to have to keep the secret out of fear that you will get in trouble or hurt if you tell. I know what it is like to be molested by someone of the same sex, and in turn become confused about your own sexuality. I know what it is like to think that you were just ‘playing a game’ when in fact someone was stealing your innocence. I know how it feels to be so ashamed that you cannot even tell your closest friends, because you do not want them to look at you or your family differently. I know what it is like to feel as if you are going to throw up when someone touches you in the same way that an abuser touched you, even if that abuse happened 30 years ago.

I KNOW.

I know what it is like to be used. I know what it is like to think that love equals sexual expression. I know what it feels like to think that you finally found someone that could help heal the broken places inside of you, so you give yourself to them only to be left abandoned. I know what it is like to keep searching for some feeling of wholeness, so you end up in different beds because you think that each experience will be different . . . that ‘This One’ will be the one that will finally work out and love you. I know what it is like to be disappointed, and watch the cycle unconsciously repeat itself. I know what it is like to ask yourself, “Why the hell are you doing this AGAIN?” and not knowing the answer, as if some invisible force is making you search for something outside of yourself. I know what it is like to know that you are being used, but you do it anyway because you are so accustomed to the scenario.

I KNOW.

I know what it is like to be afraid to say ‘NO’. I know what it is like to be raped. I know what it is like to feel powerless to stop someone from aggressively taking you and forcing you to do what they want. I know what it is like to have no control over what is happening to your body, so you detach your mind from reality so that you can endure those painful moments until they finish. I know what it is like to be convinced that you are obligated to make someone happy with your body. I know what it is like to fear the rejection that comes from your desire to keep your legs closed. I know what is like to feel as if you must please someone else, so you give yourself away. I know what it like to give in to what they want so that you do not face physical harm.

I KNOW.

I know what it is like to be labeled as a ‘hoe’. I know what it is like to be classified as a loose woman by the same people that pass you around. I know what it is like to proudly adopt the title of being a ‘hoe’ just so that no one can hurt your feelings. I know what it is like to wish you could undo the past and be normal like everyone else. I know what it is like to mentally count all the people you have slept with and feel empty inside. I know what it is like to have a reputation by people who have never walked a day in your shoes.

I ALSO KNOW THAT WHEN YOU CALL ME A ‘HOE’, CALL ME A SURVIVOR.

body
Aly Oh
Aly Oh
Read next: The State
Aly Oh

I am a mother, writer, lover, poet, nerd, counselor, great cook and snuggler. I am passionate about herbs and natural remedies.

I know a thing-or-two about a thing-or-two.

See all posts by Aly Oh