How it feels to be in a relationship with a toxic person

Sometimes, it’s easier to deny than to accept and apologize. People are always going to be imperfect and flawed; the first thought to cross your mind after being accused of something will always be to deny and question the accusation. Most of the time, people think through just what they’ve been accused of, and reason whether or not to admit to their faults.

Yet there will always be those, no matter the situation, who will deny, deny, deny. It doesn’t even matter what you try to inform them, because they will try to prove themselves innocent for even the tiniest mishaps.

Those people are seemingly cocky, maybe over-confident and rude. Or those people may play the victim in every situation they enter, regardless of if it actually involved them in the first place.

Those people are the people who take you in, welcome you, into their lives and act as if you will cause them no trouble and will get none in return.

This act only lasts a little while.

Because as soon as you cross their comfort zones, they rat you out in every situation. It doesn’t matter who else is watching; except it does.

You see, these people, deep down, are probably the most insecure and weak minded of them all.

They have no respect for you, that probably means the same for themselves.

They hate on you, and well, they probably hate themselves.

They pick at you, get under your skin, and reach the tiniest, weakest part of you, and tear at it until it bleeds.

It bleeds, and bleeds, and bleeds, continuing on until you bandage it up.

Pretend it isn’t there.

Because if they can’t see it, you can’t feel it.

That’s what you tell yourself.

And so, the cycle continues. Over-going and over filling the ocean of water that is your mind, making you feel and hate and scream as only they can.

Eventually, you drown in the sea.

There’s nowhere to go but up from here, you tell yourself, hanging on by the last thread of hair that you haven’t pulled from your head.

It’s almost over.

Inevitably, once again you are back where you began.

Screaming, angry, over-filled with hatred you didn’t even know you had in you.

And just when that last breath of air is breathed in your lungs, before the water takes over you, you remember that the only thing you can do now is try to get to the surface, fresh air.

That person is the reason your drain is clogged. The reason you’re screaming six feet under the water and not a soul can hear you calling out for help.

So, you fight back.

In the most unnoticed ways you can.

You fight back.

Because you remember how life was before, on solid ground.

You remember just how much you loved to see the sun on a summer day.

You remember what it was like to laugh with your friends, instead of constantly stressing or anxiously waiting for the next move to strike.

Gradually, you find ways to breathe again.

Tiny air holes, seemingly nothing, guide their way through nose and mouth, fulfilling you with life again.

You leave out little details, surely they won’t notice.

But, of course they do.

So once again, just when you think you found hope and resurrection, you are pulled by the ankle another 10 feet lower in the sea.

You drown and fight and scream, but the water continuously fills your lungs until not even you can hear your own thoughts.

You’ve hit rock-bottom.

You need to leave.

The only way to completely forget about something is to replace it with something better.

So, you do.

You find new things, new hobbies, new people.

Things that reward you and make you happy.

Things that you can talk to others about.

And you find someone new.

Someone resembling the feeling of bittersweet joy you had learned to live without.

Someone with the exact qualities of your past, except they planned to stay for your present, along with your future.

And so life continues on, just as it did then, but now you can breathe freely once more, truly realizing the feeling of being appreciated.