How I Survived

My early childhood was probably the hardest fears of snakes, fears of making mistakes, and fears of always messing up being scolded for it.

I can remember, before I moved out in 2021 after the old man died no one believed me or thought I deserved to have a life.

For almost a decade I was a servant I always did what I was told without question. I lived in fear. Lies, fears, and the looming question what are my options.

When the old man (my grandfather) was sick with a heart condition that is a genetic situation I was the one who took care of him. Even when his girlfriend at the time was supposed to. I want through one week of no sleep and I could tell something had to be done. I can remember when I got the hairbrained idea go to my sisters house when I shouldn't have.

In a normal situation, a family member would help. without a doubt. Not asking for anything in return sad thing I don't have that kind of family.

I can remember the times I would freak out when I knew something wasn't right. Some would say I was losing it but there were to many red flags. I felt like I was in a lifetime psychological thriller movie of the week.

Then in the mist of all the chaos the old man calls me.

"Emily if you don't bring the car back in a week I will put an APB out and say the car was stolen."

"What? But you said this car is mine?"

"When you live here yes it is."

"What do you think this will accomplish you think if you take away my car I will come back willingly?"

"Yes, put Lynn on the phone."

There was no talking him out of it, so be being the brave woman I am I brought the car back. I walked up to the house and he was sitting in the dark as usual in that chair.

"I have brought the car back for you."

As I handed him the keys he looked at me not with disgust but with disappointment and defeat.

"I'm very disappointed in you, I have rewritten my will you won't be getting your inhertence. Kris is in the the bedroom she doesn't want to look at you."

"Yes, okay."

My dog Ricky unaware of what's going on runs up to me and I pick him up never letting him go.

"So what are you going to do now you have no transportation no money. Huh? I know about your Black fiance."

"So? There is always a way to have money. I am not worried about thing."

"What do you have to say for yourself?"

"I have to say I can't do this anymore Poppow I can't. I had to think about myself before I went to Mom's house I hadn't had any sleep in so long. I'm only one person I'm not a nurse."

"Thanks okay I don't need you anymore."

"Okay."

"We took you in, we fed you and clothed you. Gave you anything you wanted."

"I never asked for any of it. I never asked for anything, I never asked to be treated like a servant for almost a decade. You treated me like shit ever since Mommow passed away."

"I didn't."

"Oh please old man you gaslit me, you talked shit about me to others, and you ordered me around like I was your slave. I was Mommow's replacement I just wasn't married to you!"

"I told everyone who you really are."

I laughed, "And if they believe it they never knew me."

"Emily I can't do it no more. I can't keep doing this with you I don't want you here no more. I Just ask that whatever you do if money comes to you don't give your mother a dine."

"Thought you said I wouldn't get anything. And really I don't give a shit about money. I took care of you because it was the right thing to do. Even though I never got the same respect I did it. You can lie to yourself all you want call me the devil incarnate. I did everything I could to help you. Everything. So if you think I am such a disappointment it is fine. I only ask this one question, why do you hate me so much?"

"Emily you don't know your black, your with a black man for almost 4 years. You know how i feel about it."

"Old man you wanted to date a chinese woman because you were so desperate for someone to love you."

"Your right."

"And Shane loves me and I him. How is wanting to date a chinese woman and Virginia of all people at Walmart."

"Your right, but she isn't black."

"Are you fucking kidding me you can't pick and choose who you fall in love with. I love Shane end of it."

"Understood but you can't bring him here to this house."

"How? I'm not welcome in it anymore. I only have one request can you watch over Ricky until I find something permanent."

"Yes we will do that Ricky is welcome anytime."

I looked at Ricky, I promise I will be back for you I promise.

I walked out of the house of horrors walking to my sisters work sight. I was done at that point. I took one more look the house still had that darkness in it. But I thought it would be the last time I would ever be there.

Boy was I wrong about that.

A few days went by felt slow, I felt on edge I told my fiance about it everything.

It wasn't until I realised while my sister was talking to me when she was beginning to stay stay an extra year that I left one prison only to enter another. This was the moment,

"Hey sis why don't you stay an extra year you could buy the house in chipawa you and Lynn and we could live in Medina at the Bronson House."

I looked shocked, "No, no I'm not sacrificing my happiness to be here."

I can't remember if I said I don't like this house or not. I might have just thought that.

"Oh come sis, we don't want you to leave the country."

"I do though."

I can remember her trying to convince me I said I would just to shut her up but really i had other plans.

Lisa (my mother), we spoke about something very dark I don't know why she thought like this.

"Emily I want to put a chip embeded under your skin."

"What? Why?"

"Because I want to know where to find your dead body."

"Mom no, no. You need my consent to do this no."

Now I was scared I thought is this how a prisoner feels when they are being suffocated by people?

"Mom he isn't going to hurt me, Shane is a great man."

Right then my inner monologue is thinking of many scenaros on how to leave this place. She really freaked me out.

Note: (I used this image to illustrate the feeling of permanent fear)

The scenarios kept dancing in my head. The panic the feeling of being closed in. I knew this has to be a smart move I have no car no way to get back to Medina.

So, I waited it out trying hard not to go mad. I distanced myself from everything I think I really don't remember.

Another thing I remember after the last encounter with the old man my mother saw a difference in me something she didn't like.

Later that evening I went to go take a shower, Lisa was on edge because I wouldn't talk about the last encounter with the old man.

Something felt wrong, they were talking about how they would spend the money. I had agreed to give my mother 20,000.00 then I started to think. Would a true mother do this, no a true mother would say I think that's to much or not accept it even if their daughter insisted.

Apart of me was testing her, the other part of me was afraid of her too. I'm not a dog I'm a human being and your daughter you will not chip me. That's worse then what to old man did to me.

While shower, I started having a panic attack and fell. My thoughts in my head were like you need to get out here you can't stay here anymore.

The fall was so drastic a hanging cupboard was on my chest. With any other mother they would be scared ask if their daughter was okay. But no my mother wasn't typical.

"Emily what the fuck are you okay?"

"Yes I'm fine just fell."

She pulled the cupboard off my chest, "Ever since you met with your grandfather you have been distant your not going to help us are you?"

I stopped crying shaking my head. The shock on my face I shouldn't be surprised by this. But I was.

"I can't."

"Well if you don't like things then you can leave."

Again the shock on my face, I couldn't believe it. I feel hard a cupboard was on my chest you could have asked me if I'm okay and then took me to the ER. But no that was your reply.

This was so shocking for me I stopped crying. I dried off, and then started packing my shit. With a lot of pain mind you. I was gonna hitch hike back to Medina a different county.

So, I didn't know what to do.

"Emily where are you going?"

"Mom you said if I didn't like it here I could leave. I don't like it here. I'm leaving."

She said something to me I don't remember what.

"I don't care every man for themselves."

Then I walked out I was hurt, upset, and I shouldn't have felt betrayed but I was.

I was hoping eventually I would be back in Medina soon. I was texting my husband and talking to my friend James.

I couldn't take it no more felt defeated, and upset.

I didn't know it but at that time the old man was dying at the same time of my what will be called the "massive freakout."

I saw my sister driving slowly and then fast driving away laughing at me. I thought real mature.

Anyways, I kept walking talking to my fiance and hung up with James.

After a traumatic evening I got back to that house and fell asleep in Lynn's blow up mattress. I heard them talking about me it was good stuff either. It was bad enough to make me suppress it.

The next day really shocked me, when I heard half asleep in the background Leo passed away. I couldn't believe it. I was free, I was alive, and in a lot of pain. My mother couldn't even look at me so I didn't see the point. So I knew there was only one thing to do I needed to find out if I had broken anything or any internal injuries from my fall.

"The old man died?"

"Yes it's just so heartbreaking."

"No it's not, I don't feel bad."

"Oh Rayetta wants you tall her."

"Okay."

So I use my phone to call her. Lemme tell you I thought Lisa was trouble Rayetta took the cake on this.

R: How could you you didn't help him?

Me: I helped him for almost 10 years Rayetta where were you?

R: Sunny was like a father to me?

Me: Really if he was such a father to you how come he said he couldn't stand you because.

R: Emily it's all your fault he died.

Me: Really Rayetta that bastard was going to die anyways. It was his time. He was horrible to me.

R: No he wasn't.

Me: Were you there? No you weren't bye Rayetta.

No one will ever know what I went through the gaslighting, the verbal abuse, the emotional abuse, and the once physical abuse being pushed against the wall with a lot of force. And that's okay I don't need anyone believing me. I know what happened and I serviced it.