24 hours with shit nails and the oppression of women

Seriously why do women do this to themselves.

I recently did my nails. They are the stick on kind that will last for a couple of weeks. They're pretty long - longer am I expected them to be when I ordered them - but not ridiculously so.

I've always kept my nails reasonably short because it's easier to keep them clean, and I just prefer them that way. I anticipated that the nails would feel a bit strange and it would take a little bit of getting used to. Especially as I've never had nails like this before. I wildly underestimated how tricky it was going to be. What follows is my first 24hrs with these blasted things.

A Day in The Life of a Woman Who Can Hardly Use Her Fucking Hands Now

6pm: Rather than completing my left hand and then my right hand, for some reason I decided to do thumb thumb index index middle middle etc. I got about that far when I got interrupted I had to stop and go and do something else. After that it was time to start dinner.

I noticed immediately that simple things like wringing out a dish cloth or chopping in onion were more difficult.

If I had to pick something up or open the fridge I found myself reverting to using the last two fingers on each hand - the ones that didn't have fancy long nails attached. It was easier to use the last two fingers on each hand.

I almost abandoned the project right there. I considered finding a way to remove the nails I'd already stuck on and just not bothering.

I told myself not to be ridiculous. Lots of women get their nails done and they manage with nails much longer and more ridiculous than these. Besides, getting them off would be a ball-ache. If I had to suffer, I wanted the full set.

Once the dinner was bubbling away in my pressure cooker I sat down and fixed the rest of the nails.

7pm: The first moment of real regret came when I had to get the potatoes out of the oven. As awkward as these nails feel, it's even worse when they're inside oven gloves. I almost spilled hot oil everywhere despite being really careful.

9pm: After dinner I had a glass of wine and I will concede that the nails looked very nice resting against the glass. Perk number one. Hey, maybe it won't be so bad.

7am: My alarm goes off. I manage to snooze it with some difficulty (pressing anything is a pain in the hold, now), and roll over in bed for another five minutes. My nails snag on the duvet. I sigh and mutter for fuck sake.

7:10am, Ablutions - Not that any of you even asked or need to know this but I did a number one and a number two that morning. Let me just say that I believe these nails are an indicator that a woman probably has a bidet. Either that or she showers multiple times a day. The only other explanation is that her hygiene leaves a lot to be desired.

The flusher on our toilet is a button. Never before had I realised quite a deeply it needed to be pressed or with how much pressure. It is literally impossible to do now. I had to press the button with my knuckles.

Washing was more awkward. To begin with, opening the cap of shower gel or shampoo was trickier. I was starting to really appreciate just how many tasks I used my fingernails or my fingertips for normally. Now I was having to use the flat of my fingers instead. The stupid talons kept snagging on the shower puff thingy (I don't even know what those things are called). They also snagged in my hair when I tried to wash it.

I dressed more slowly. It feels weird and uncomfortable when these nails get caught in a sleeve or a waistband.

Even putting my slippers on is awkward. And if they slip down the back of my heel, hooking them back on is no longer something I can just do without a thought.

I go into the kitchen to make cups of tea for everybody, except for my son who wants a cup of coffee. Obviously we find him under a gooseberry bush and didn't conceive him in the usual way. Getting the lid off the cattle is more difficult. Ditto the lid of the tin of tea bags. To save myself future hassle I just tucked the lid down the side for now.

Picture

Picking up the tea bags is awkward. Separating them his awkward. I almost dropped the sugar bowl which was handmade by my mother-in-law and therefore not easily replaceable. Don't even get me started on getting a paper filter for the coffee machine out of the box. Good grief. I almost gave up and made instant.

As I stood a hot drinks I contemplated what it might be like if I had to do some gardening that day or change a baby's nappy. Thank fuck meither of those things were on the agenda.

Feeding the dog. I can't pick up the scoop by the handle anymore. The handle is too small. She has a couple of supplements in powder form sprinkled across the top of her food measuring these out opening the containers was more difficult.

A sign of the times at 8am I sat with my cup of tea and scrolled through the news on my phone. I had to remove the phone case because the button on the side that I need to press to wake the phone up is simply inaccessible otherwise.

I going to really appreciation for why people with long nails use the touch screen the way they do with their finger very extended and flat. It looks like a very feminine affectation but it's literally the only way that you can actually use the screen properly without a stylus.

I noticed a couple of tiny patches of glue on my skin. I could not peel them off.

I also noticed a couple of specs of dirt caught under the nail and I spent some time cleaning them out. No wonder nurses and chefs can't have nails Like These.

I noticed that I was a noticing my nails much more than I normally do. Maybe after a period of adjustment that wouldn't be the case anymore, but I have my reservations. Stereotype that you might picture when you think of somebody with long pretty nails continually looking at them it's not just that they look nice and their admiring them it's not just vanity they're checking to see if they're chipped or scratched or if they have dirt under them. Because in all honesty they probably do. Scratch that they almost definitely do.

Before I start work have a couple of chores to do. Of course my nails snag on the washing. It's harder to get it out of the machine and it's difficult to hang it. It's worse when it's wet because the material is heavier. I definitely can't fold it as tidily as I could before.

Tying off the bin bag before I take it outside is fiddly. In my teens I had a job in a pet shop and one of my colleagues have beautiful long fake nails. She always dreaded having to assist a customer who wanted to buy a pet fish because obviously the fish had to be transported and a little bag of water, and she could never tie off the back and always had to ask one of us to go and help her.

I've never been squeamish or a germaphrobe, but I suddenly find myself being very conscious of all the bacteria in that bin. I wondered if I should have put gloves on first. This would probably have made it trickier, though.

9am - I started work. Typing is definitely harder. I cannot type as fast as I used to. I can't use my preferred keyboard either. These bloody things get caught between the keys.

My shoulders are dry and itchy after I got some pretty bad sunburn on holiday. It is impossible to scratch an itch. I also can't peel off the skin. Life's simple and disgusting pleasures are denied me. Other pleasures I don't even want to think about at this point. If my ear or nose feels itchy, tough shit. Let us ponder on any other orifices. There is a patch on one shoulder that burned especially badly and blistered. Now it's scabby and it's healing slowly because I'm terrible for scratching it. Perk number two - no picking and scratching.

When I stop work for a break I noticed the same things I did last night when preparing dinner. I'm about to prepare food so I wash my hands - this is more awkward. I don't have OCD by any means but I do prefer to have clean hands. Back when I trained as a healthcare assistant we were taught how to wash our hands properly and I've done it that way ever since. Hot water, soap, and covering every inch of the skin: between the fingers, the tips, palms, wrists etc.

I retract my earlier statement; I'm beginning to think that women with nails like this are just dirty skanks to be quite honest with you.

I'm reminded again of my training years ago as a healthcare assistant. To encourage us to have empathy for the elderly residents that we would be working with we had splints attached to our fingers and gloves on with cotton wool balls in the end of each finger. This was so that we would understand what it was like for a person who might have reduced motor skills because of arthritis in their joints, or less sensation. Having set up a fake handicap for each of us we had to do things like count out change or remove medication from blister packets. Honestly, they should have just given us all a manicure. It would've had the same effect. It feels just the same. I feel hobbled at every moment. Every small task feels weird, different and awkward. Sometimes not even possible.

I make myself noodles. I discover I am now a pleb who can't even use chopsticks. Maybe i just need to re-learn.

I got less work done then I normally would. I resorted to using speech to text for a lot of tasks so I wouldn't have to type.

As I finished writing this, it's not 7:00 p.m. yet. It doesn't matter. At dinnertime, I'll be delegating.

When I look down at my long pretty nails I wonder if the people that habitually have them simply don't do anything. This is yet another way that women are hobbled. It's mind-boggling to me that many choose it. Why would you choose to be hobbled? Perhaps it is almost a status symbol of sorts. Look, the nails seem to say, I don't work with my hands. I don't have to wash dishes/prepare food/care for a loved one.

So to sum up:

Prose

They look nice

Can't scratch or pick which is properly a good thing

Cons too many to mention, but basically:

everything is more difficult to a greater all lesser degree or simply not possible

I suspect these are a weapon of the patriarchy

Memory Unlocked

Years ago, at one of my very first jobs, the lady who managed accounts scolded me for picking at a staple.

Never use your nails as tools!

- That daft mare from accounts

I remember thinking that was the stupidest fucking thing I'd ever heard. Why does she think we even have them?

Younger me was wise, I think.

Maybe she radicalised me and planted the seeds of feminism with her sheer vapid stupidity.

What posessed me to get these? I thought, in some vague way, that since they were so popular, they couldn't be that bad. And I wanted to have nails like Drusilla from Buffy so 🤷‍♂️

Every time I look down at my gorgeously adorned fingers, I think of a horse, looking down at her hobble and admiring how pretty the strap is.

Fool of a Took, I say to myself. These are corsets for the fingers. Or maybe stilettos.

In closing

They look nice but they are faff and a half. I will not be repeating this experiment in a hurry. Maybe not ever again. If I do they will certainly be shorter with squared tips more similar to the length and style of my natural nails.

Thank you for reading!

Here are my recent challenges: