Cactus Jack vs. Big Van Vader

The match starts off with Vader entering the ring—traditional Vader attire, a mainly black one-piece wrestling getup, full-leg, red on the side. He’s wearing his usual mask that looks halfway badass and halfway like he’s got a pair of leather panties on his head. One word: Awesome. He struts around the ring like the badass he is. His theme music plays. He glares at the crowd like he could crush them all if he wished, and he probably could, the dude is huge…

Vader walks in circles around the ring. The referee announces his opponent: Cactus Jack!

Cactus stands on the ring apron, raises his fist in the air. He gets in the ring, struts around, he’s got that trademark walk, no one walks like him, like he’s hunched over on one side or something. The crowd goes wild. Cactus Jack is a favorite. Even though he doesn’t look the part, the crowd almost always loves him. He grabs the microphone, points down at Vader who is standing ringside and starts speaking all kinds of trash talk in German at his opponent. The crowd goes wild. Cactus sits down in a chair in the middle of the ring. He stands up, talks more trash. The ref takes the chair out of the ring, the match is soon to get started…

The bell rings, both men taunt each other, get the crowd going… The crowd pops. They size each other up. They lock up. Vader frees his right arm and POP! Jack takes a blow to the face—he’s holding his face! Vader flexes…

The two lock up again. Again Vader frees his right arm. Again Cactus Jack takes a blow to the face, a blow to the lower ribcage, a blow to the face. Vader grabs Cactus, throws him to the ropes…

Cactus heads to the ropes in all his glory, long hair flowing like a wild mane, a grace all his own. He’s got a one-piece on with his traditional leopard print decorating the full-legs on the side—and of course, them snakeskin cowboy boots, as dangerous as they are awesome…

Cactus comes off the ropes, Vader is ready—a big body block! Cactus falls to the ground, rolls, he’s on one knee, Vader taunts the wily bastard as he tries to get his bearings, walks around the ring, checks his face. Is he bleeding?

No blood… Vader taunts again. The crowd starts to get behind Cactus. The two lock up. Again Cactus is thrown to the ropes. Vader goes for another body block, Cactus ducks under his right arm, hits the ropes, gives Vader a big boot to the stomach. And there it is! The DDT!

Vader slides out of the ring to recover, the fans taunt the giant. He wont hear it and begins to harass the ring announcer. The crowd is full of energy and support… Support for Jack! Cactus is given the microphone and he lets Vader hear it, the crowd is going wild, Vader climbs back into the ring.

Cactus meets Vader with a flurry of blows to the head. The big man backs into the ropes, stumbling… Cactus keeps ‘em coming before tossing Vader to the ropes. The giant runs off the ropes and is met with a standing headlock.

Vader ain’t having it—he elbows Cactus in the ribs, forcefully backs Jack into the corner. He’s not done yet, and he turns to circle ‘round, starts to run—DAMN! Vader takes a snakeskin boot to the jaw, he’s looking stunned—is Cactus going for a bulldog?

No! Another headlock, he’s mounted the big man, Cactus is on Vader’s back. Vader heads to the ropes opposite the corner of their current clash. The big man bounces off the ropes, the jostle gives Cactus time to get a better hold on his opponent, but maybe it’s too late…

Vader falls backward, slamming Jack between the mat and over 300 pounds of opponent. Vader is the first to rise, Jack not far in his attempt to do the same. Both men back on their feet. Vader starts again with those blows to Jack’s skull. Vader lifts Cactus, looking for a big slam. There it is! A scoop slam to the mat! But Vader isn’t done yet…

What’s the big man doing?! He heads to the corner… He’s climbing the ropes? Oh for the love of God! That massive body is heading up for a high-risk maneuver! He’s on the second rope, setting up…

Bounce… Bounce… Bounce… He’s airborne! He’s got momentum off that bouncing motion, using the ropes like some kind of trampoline! Oh Cactus—he has no idea what’s coming for him as he lies with his back on the mat…

And there it is! Near four hundred pounds of pain comes to crash upon the man from True or Consequences. Who knows what the consequences of that painful move are going to be…

And Vader tries for the pin… 1… 2…

And a kick out from Cactus!

Vader stays down on one knee, watching Cactus. Cactus sits up and is immediately met with a sleeper hold from the big man laying in wait. The crowd is going wild, trying to get the fighting spirit riled up in the wild man. Vader releases the sleeper…

Vader pulls Cactus to his feet. Is he sending him to the ropes again? No! He instead brings the man back around into a decapitating clothesline! Cactus hits the ground hard, it looks like he ain’t going to be quick to rise…

Vader sees another opportunity, and a deadly one at that… He again approaches the corner and again mounts the second rope. The big man showboats a bit for the crowd, and there he goes! A big knee to the torso of Cactus! Another cover…

1… 2…

Cactus kicks out after a short two count…

Vader is looking frustrated—he’s rips the panties off his face and tosses Jack outside the ring. The big man tries to intimidate the crowd, but they are just too wild about his opponent…

Cactus climbs back into the ring. It’s a slow climb, he’s tired, hurt… Does he feel pain? Over-the-shoulder slam by Vader! Again Cactus is on the mat. Again that big whale of a man climbs to the second rope and begins that deadly bounce…

Off the rope and onto the mat! Cactus rolls out of the way as his rival goes airborne. Jack slides near the ropes and uses them to help his beaten body to its feet. What is he going to do now?

Cactus is in the corner, Vader is back on his feet. Jack gets a running start toward his opponent. There it is, a sunset flip! Cactus is trying to bring Vader over… Can he get him? No! Too much mass! Cactus falls to the mat, Vader leaps—he’s going to bring that massive ass down on his foe!—No! Cactus rolls out of the way and Vader’s ass meets nothing but mat. The big fella looks to be in some terrible pain…

No pain phases this monster though, and he’s back on his feet near as quick as Cactus. Cactus meets Vader with a series of blows to the face, Vader stumbles backwards into the ropes. Cactus heads to the ropes opposite…

And there it is! A big Cactus Clothesline! Both men over the top rope! Vader hits the floor below. Cactus, that smooth and wily fellow, manages to shimmy his body back under the bottom rope…

Cactus back on his feet in the ring, Vader back on his feet outside. Cactus walks around the ring; it’s a walk somewhere between a strut and a dazed stumble. Vader slowly climbs back into the ring…

The crowd goes wild. Cactus is coming off the far ropes, trying to catch Vader with another Cactus Clothesline! No! Vader gets low as Cactus nears and rolls out of the way leaving his opponent to head over the top rope all on his lonesome…

Oh my God! Cactus is caught in the ropes! His head is tied between the middle and top rope! Look at his body just dangle there! A noose that is… Only a matter of time before we lose this crazy hero…

Cactus frees himself and falls to the ground below. He’s gotta be struggling for air out there. Hopefully those ropes didn’t crush his windpipe…

Cactus is on his back on the floor below. Vader still stands in the ring, a hulking presence. The big man rallies the crowd, paces the ring like a mad dog. Cactus makes his way back into the squared circle. The two men exchange blows, it looks like Cactus is coming out on top…

Wait… What in the hell just happened? The referee just picked something up from the mat. Holy shit! Are you serious?

This is totally serious! The ref just picked up Cactus Jack’s ear! Jack lost his ear when he dislodged himself from the ropes! His fucking ear got torn clean off!

Oh my God!!!

Cactus still fighting! Fighting like a man who’s lost his ear! He’s got Vader in the corner! He’s beating the hell out of him! Looks like Vader is stunned… Cactus backs away, looks like he's going for something big…

Vader meets Cactus with a big boot to the face! Vader sends Jack into the corner. The big man is going for a splash… Cactus catches him! Wait… Wait… Vader’s weight is much too much! Jack falls backwards, three hundred and something pounds of Vader down on Jack!

Vader goes for the pin…

1… … 2…

A slow two count from the ref. Vader is pissed, he looks at that bald referee like he’s found his next victim… Vader heads to the ropes. Jack is back on his feet, though barely. Vader connects with a big clothesline that takes Cactus Jack back to the mat…

Vader with the cover…

1… 2… 3…

Vader’s music plays as he showboats for the crowd before heading out of the ring. Jack is still on the ground…

Cactus slowly gets to his knees and feels the side of his face. He feels it again. Something feels strange. It feels like a part of him is missing. He doesn’t have to wonder… His ear is missing. The dude has lost a fucking ear. Like a wrestling Van Gogh, he has given his ear to a crowd that doesn’t even know what they’ve been given, that doesn’t even care…