What A Farce ;)

Picture this: Ephrata, Pennsylvania—a quaint little town known for its rolling hills, charming shops, and, apparently, its police department's knack for costing a fortune while doing squat. Now, I’m not saying that Ephrata Police Department is a total farce, but let’s just say if I wasn’t already #DefundThePolice, I’d be demanding a refund faster than you can say “property tax.”

Last March, Faith Parks, a local menace with sticky fingers, decided my business property would look better in her possession. Naturally, I called the Ephrata Police Department, who must have a master’s degree in excuse-making because they found dozens of reasons to do absolutely nothing. I’m talking nothing—zilch, nada. It was like watching a bunch of toddlers in police uniforms playing make-believe.

And then there’s Officer Allen. Oh, Officer Allen. This guy could star in a comedy, and not in a good way. Picture this: I’m in a panic, making a 911 call because my sister, high as a kite on meth, has kicked in my door and made herself at home. She’s not just any sister; she’s a sister who’s got about a foot and 150 pounds on me. I’m not trying to reenact a scene from David and Goliath here, but Officer Allen must have thought otherwise because when he and his #GoonSquad showed up, they found the whole situation hysterical.

Let me set the scene for you: it’s the morning of April 14, and I’m calling Domestic Violence services. They shrug me off because, apparently, terrorizing siblings don’t count—only romantic partners. So, 911 it is. Four bullies with badges show up at my door at 8:47 AM, having the time of their lives at my expense. “If you’re so scared of Jaime,” they say, “just go to Lancaster and get a PFA.” Sure, because walking 20 miles barefoot in Pennsylvania’s chilly spring sounds like a blast, right?

And it gets better. I remind these jokers that Faith Parks stole from my van—my blanket, a bit of money, my only pair of long pants, and my only closed-toe shoes. I had just gotten back from Florida and was left with nothing but shorts and flip-flops. I tell them this, and their response? “Why don’t you walk to Lancaster barefoot?” More laughs, more jokes. It’s like they were auditioning for a late-night comedy show, and I was the unwitting guest star.

But the real kicker? Less than an hour later, I’m in the hospital. Why, you ask? Because my delightful sister and her equally charming girlfriend decided to continue their heist by stealing my electronics. I caught them red-handed, passing my gadgets out of a second-story window into a waiting getaway vehicle that had the audacity to drive right up to my house, lawn be damned.

So here I am, banged up, betrayed by my own sister, and with a police department that makes the Keystone Cops look like the FBI. And all this while we’re paying $20,000 a day to run this clown show. I mean, if we’re going to fund a circus, can we at least get some decent acts?

It’s time for a community discussion, folks. What exactly do we want our police department to do? Because right now, Ephrata PD is more interested in perfecting their stand-up routines than in actually, you know, enforcing the law. Theft? Not their problem. Stolen property? Good luck with that. Feeling threatened in your own home? Might as well take up comedy because you’ll need a sense of humor to deal with these guys.

We deserve better. Ephrata deserves better. It’s time to hold our police department accountable. No more excuses, no more laughs at our expense. It’s time for real action, real protection, and real justice. Because if the Ephrata Police Department can’t be bothered to do their job, maybe it’s time we find someone who can. And that’s no joke.