Welcome to Trumplandia
Want a wall? I'll give you a wall.
Hey, Donny boy, I’ve had an epiphany. In case you don’t know what that means, I’ll ex— … never mind. Let me just simply say that I have had an idea I would like to share with you. Go away, never come back, and in exchange, you get to become king of Trumlandia. Sound too good to be true? Not in the least, but there are a few caveats you may want to have your best lawyers review. Do you have any left, or are they all in prison? Oh wait, you pardoned them, so they are totally trustworthy!
First, you get your wall, but the WALL will need to be built around the state of Indiana that will then be re-christened, Trumplandia. This will be the new homeland of your supporters. It will likely displace a number of minorities but don’t worry, they can seek asylum in more progressive states. You will be crowned King of Trumplandia, ruling from your golden throne, high atop the Trump Tower Indianapolis. Mike Pence will act as your Ambassador of Goodwill, spreading happiness and good cheer throughout the land. Your biggest trading partner will be Russia. You won’t be allowed to travel to the United States, though; a travel ban has been imposed because the majority of your kingdom is full of violent, racist, gun-toting, coronavirus super spreaders. But don’t let this cause you any concern. Because of the big, beautiful WALL you built around your kingdom, your kingdom is secure, but it has no ventilators and very few doctors. Again, no problem. We’ll get all of the pastors that have joined you to pray the virus away. That should work!
I also know how we can get rid of gerrymandered congressional districts, and you can be the first test case because if it works in Trumplandia it will work in the real United States because if the people in your kingdom can figure it out, anyone can. Why? Because the overall I.Q. of Trumplandia is clearly why so many short school buses have been ordered for your kingdom.
In gerrymandered districts; the idea goes like this, we can make gerrymandered districts open seats. What do I mean by that? I mean seats that are available to be filled by, John and Jane Q. Public via a lottery system, a draft, if you will. These draftees will be provided housing in the Trump Hotel Washington, which the government confiscated under RICO, and it will level the playing field for the constituents in these districts. It’ll be like a box of chocolates … you never know what you’re going to get. Let’s at least try it, because honestly, I don’t think it could be worse than what we have now. It may also encourage voters in these districts to learn more about our government, in particular, the Constitution. But you don't know much about the constitution, do you? You only know what Papa Putin tells you. He has you over a barrel because he has the financial documents showing how much money Russia laundered through your properties. And while the United States won't recognize a blanket pardon should you try to pardon yourself, Trumplandia will!
Additionally, if Russia decides to introduce you to novichok, Trumplandia will offer you safety and Mike Pence can be your food taster. Or you can let Russia take over Trumplandia, because we know you much rather play golf than govern in any way, shape, or form, but I don't know if your residents will ever be able to learn Cyrillic. The good news, Mitch McConnell's dealings with Rusal has opened Kentucky to Russia, and the state is considering offering a Russian language immersive, so Kentucky may have to join Trumplandia. The bonus? The United States gets rid of Rand Paul AND Mitch McConnell. Oh if wishing made it so. Your followers will so enjoy being "edgemucated" since their first round of education didn't seem to stick.
This is the win you have been looking for, and if you are still on the wall about what to do next, let me mention another selling point. Trumplandia does not plan on entering into an extradition treaty with the United States, so when you do leave the office and the New York Attorney General issues a warrant for your arrest, you’ll be safe. Please consider this offer. Your resignation will save lives, and get you what you want. This is not fake news. It’s a real offer; take it, for the love of all things holy, take it! Please, just go away!
Sincerely,
A Very Stable Smartass
About the Creator
The Wayward Witch
Ecclectic collections would best describe the stories presented by The Wayward Witch. From erotica to ghost stories, The Wayward Witch offers a little something for everyone. Check back often if inclined; a small tip would be so kind.
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