Moscow's Calling - 16

This conversation happened on March 31, 2024, Easter Sunday, 11:50 pm Moscow time.

“He has risen, Donnie!”

“Wha? What are you talking about, Vlad?”

“You are supposed to say, ‘He has risen indeed!’ back, Donnie!”

“Again, I don’t get what you are talking about, Vlad?”

“It’s Easter, Donnie! For someone who is selling the Bible now, I’m surprised you are so clueless.”

“Ah, that! Of course, I know it’s Easter today. Of course, it’s Easter. I just didn’t know this ‘he is risen’ business. He has risen?”

“Yes! Christ has risen. That’s what we always say for Easter. And what do you say as an Easter greeting?

“Happy Easter, Vlad!”

“Ha-ha-ha! ‘Happy Easter!’ Just like ‘Happy New Year!’ Right?”

“I guess. I don’t understand what’s funny about it.”

“Nothing, really. Do you even know what Easter is about, Donnie?”

“Of course, it’s about the Easter Bunny bringing candy for kids. And colorful eggs. Very colorful, beautiful eggs. Melania and I really liked Easter at the White House.” (dreamily)

“Sure, eggs and candy. Leave it to Americans to turn a religious holiday into a godless consumerist extravaganza.” (chuckles)

“What are you saying, Vlad?”

“What’s Easter really about, Donnie?”

“If not eggs and candy, then I don’t know. Only God knows then.”

“God knows for sure, Donnie. I’m surprised that you don’t know. What does your favorite book say about it?”

“Mein Kampf? I don’t remember it having anything about Easter. Nothing, really.”

“Whoa, Donnie, that’s unexpected. Respect, but totally unexpected.”

“Why, Vlad?”

“Mein Kampf? Really, Donnie? Didn’t you just recently say that the Bible was your favorite book?”

“Ah, that. I had to say that, Vlad, to push sales. It’s not really my favorite, I don’t understand anything it says. Nothing, Vlad, it’s so dense! And written in this olden language no one can understand. No one, Vlad!”

“That’s what I thought. Anyway, Easter is to celebrate Christ’s transcendence.”

“Trans… what? Vlad, don’t tell me Christ was a trans… too!”

“Transcendence, Donnie, not transgender. Remember, Jesus was crucified and then resurrected and ascended to Heaven?”

“Aaaah, that I do remember. Vaguely.”

“Well, according to Catholics and other western Christians, it happened today, on Easter.”

“I see now, Vlad! He has risen. He has risen indeed!”

“Well, not for me. At least not yet.”

“How come?”

“We Orthodox Christians will celebrate Easter in two weeks.”

“Why?”

“Don’t you remember anything, Donnie? I explained it to you several times: Orthodox Christianity never switched to the Gregorian calendar and is two weeks behind.”

“Really? I didn’t know that, Vlad.”

“Well, now you know, even though I told you many times before. Anyway, it’s not the only reason I’m calling you today, Donnie.”

“Yeah? What is it then, Vlad?”

“I saw that your Truth Social IPO did really well, at least in the first couple of days after it opened.”

“It did indeed, put me back on the billionaires list and Forbes’ 500. I’m so happy about it, Vlad, I’m rich again, so happy!”

“I’m happy for you too, Donnie, congratulations!”

“Well, thank you, Vlad.”

“So, I was wondering when you will be able to pay me back.”

“Pay you back? For what, Vlad?”

“For everything I’ve done for you, Donnie. Helping you get elected in 2016, keeping you afloat throughout your presidency and after…”

“Wait, wait, wait, Vlad. I thought you were helping me without expecting me to pay back.”

“And I would have never brought this up, Donnie, but I am cash-strapped now because of your fvking sanctions and because Europeans have just busted a couple of my very important disinformation and political influence operations. So, I really need money. And you seem to be going up on your luck again, Donnie.”

“But I have so many legal bills to pay, Vlad! So many bills, they are just piling up! As for the Truth Social IPO, Vlad, it’s a classical pump-and-dump. I will sell my shares in a couple of weeks or so, before they start tanking. It’s just a pump-and-dump.”

“Alright, then you’ll be able to pay me back after you dump, right?”

“I just don’t understand, Vlad, why I should pay you back anything. I thought it was just an exchange of favors.”

“You were one very expensive favor for me, Donnie, and now I want at least some of my money back. Consider it a partial return on my investment, I won’t even ask for everything I spent on you.”

“And what if I am not able to pay, Vlad? You know how I’m tied up in all the stupid court cases. And I do need the money for my campaign, too.”

“Well, then I’ll have to write you off, Donnie, if you know what I mean” (menacingly). “I’ve just written off one traitor, a stupid cocky pilot who stole one of my helicopters and gave it to Ukraine, Donnie, and he didn’t even owe me that much. You can read about it in The New York Times, it’s quite a story.”

“I don’t read that liberal rag, Vlad.” (pauses, processing). “OK, Vlad, how much do you expect me to pay you back?”

“Two billion.”

“Dollars????”

“Of course, what else?”

“I don’t know, rubles or rupees?”

“And now you suddenly know the name of the Indian currency, Donnie?”

“Of course, after several conversion operations I’ve done for you so successfully.”

“It’s peanuts, Donnie, really. But since you are now rich again, I need you to pay me back two billion dollars in a month.”

“In a month??? That’s too soon, Vlad, I won’t be able to get it that quickly.”

“You just said, dump DJT shares in two weeks, I’ll give you two more weeks to make it liquid, so April 30 is a good deadline for you, Donnie.”

“Oh, no, Vlad!”

“April 30, Donnie, the clock starts ticking. Bye!”

Shocked Trump, after hanging up, “I’m fvcked!”