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Calling Moscow - 23

Friends talking election victory and more

By Lana V LynxPublished about a month ago 4 min read
4
By Ukrainian political cartoonist Oleh Smal, specially for the author

This conversation happened on March 17, 2024, after it was announced that Vladimir Putin received 87% of votes in Russia's presidential election.

"Hello, Vlad! Congratulations on your big victory!"

"Well, thank you very much, Donnie. To be honest, I didn't expect that much of a victory myself." (Chirpy with contentment)

"Really? How come?"

"Well, I thought my election manager Pamfilova would safely get me about 67% of votes, which would be good at the time of war."

"Uh-ha, and then what happened?"

"And then Navalny supporters came up with this silly protest idea. 'Noon Against Putin' they called it, can you imagine? And it really played into my hand."

“How's that??”

“Get this: they showed up at the Russian Embassies abroad and at polling stations in large Russian cities, around noon. Allegedly, to show each other that there’s a lot of them, against me, and they are not alone. In fact, they simply drove up the election turnout numbers."

"Uh-ha, I see."

"Of course we made it look good for us: large crowds and long lines always look good in elections for optics: Look at all these active citizens wanting to exercise their right to vote, blah-blah-blah. It’s like they have legitimized the election, even though they have voted against me or spoiled their ballots!”

“That’s genius, Vlad! Simply genius! And whose supporters did that? I thought you had no opposition in this election.”

“And indeed I didn’t. It’s the supporters of Navalny, the one who left life last month.”

“The one who... what???”

“Left life, don’t you have the same expression? Navalny, remember, the one who died in prison last month and you upset me by comparing yourself to him?”

“Ahhh, now I remember. ‘Left life’ is quite an expression, Vlad. I need to remember that: Left life. Like, he has left the building. It’s sounds like he got tired of living.”

“Maybe he did, who knows?” (Chuckles) “I heard he was in poor health. Besides, prison conditions can be harsh on people.”

“True, Vlad, so true!”

“See, Donnie, you know exactly what I’m talking about!”

“Me?? Why me??”

“Don’t people die in American prisons too, Donnie?”

“How would I know?”

“Didn’t Epstein die in prison on your watch?”

“Ah, that bastard! He hung himself. I guess we can say he truly left life. On his own.” (Both chuckle) "So, Vlad, I noticed you've mentioned him by name three times now. Aren't you afraid of him anymore?"

"Who are you talking about, Donnie? I'm afraid of no one!"

"Naval... Whatever his name is... I remember you never mentioned it before. And now you do, even just now you mentioned his name three times, Vlad. Some people say you were afraid of him."

"Tell those 'some people' to go fvck themselves, Donnie. I was never afraid of him, just didn't want to give him the honor of uttering his useless name!"

"And it has nothing to do with any occult rituals?"

"I only practice one ritual I know very well, Donnie: No person, no problem." (menacingly)

"What does that mean, Vlad?"

"Very simple, Donnie: If a person is a problem for you, remove the person and the problem will disappear. Hence, no person - no problem."

"Wow, I wish I could do that, Vlad! There are so many people who are a big problem for me. A huge problem! So many people in so many courts!"

"Oooh, Donnie, I suggested several times that I could help you with that."

"Yeah, thanks, but it won't work here. At least not until I become the president again. I just need to get elected, to become president again."

"And I hope you do, Donnie. I really need you to become president again."

"Will you be able to help me, Vlad?"

"How much do you need, Donnie, give it to me straight."

"A billion dollars."

"Wha??? How much?"

"A billion, Vlad."

"I thought you said half a billion before."

"Yeah, but to post the half a billion to the New York state court, I need a billion, with the collateral."

"That's a lot of money, Donnie."

"I know, Vlad, I am shocked myself. Shocked."

"Well, you'll get some money from our Indian money conversion, but obviously not enough and not too soon. How's your RNC takeover going?"

"Well, my people there have completely taken over. Lara is the co-chair, so she'll do what I need. Complete takeover. But RNC has no money, Vlad! Can you believe it? No money! They are almost as low as I am! Cant' even pay my legal fees! Not even my legal fees, Vlad!"

"Wow, Donnie! That really sucks. Do you want me to call our mutual Middle Eastern friends to see if they can help out?"

"Would you do that for me, Vlad?"

"Of course, Donnie, anything for you, my friend!"

"Thank you so much, Vlad! You know I'll be good for it."

"Of course you will, Donnie, especially when it comes to MBS. He'll definitely get a run out of you for his money. I'd better go now to make those calls, talk to you later!"

"Thank you so much, Vlad, bye!" After hanging up, "Perhaps he'll get me out of this hole!"

trumpsatirepresidentpoliticspoliticiansfact or fiction
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About the Creator

Lana V Lynx

Avid reader and occasional writer of satire and short fiction. For my own sanity and security, I write under a pen name. My books: Moscow Calling - 2017 and President & Psychiatrist

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Comments (2)

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  • Brian Smrz28 days ago

    Another enjoyable Donnie and Vlad chit-chat. I always look forward to these!

  • Dharrsheena Raja Segarranabout a month ago

    I grinned so widely when I saw this in my notifications hehehehehe! No person, no problem, lol. I'm speechless!

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