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Calling Moscow - 22

Super Tuesday joy shared on the phone

By Lana V LynxPublished about a month ago 4 min read
Ukrainian political cartoonist Oleh Smal specifically for the author

This conversation happened on March 6, 2024 after Trump won the Super Tuesday GOP primaries.

"Hello, Vlad?" (cheerful)

"Yes, Donnie. You sound happy."

"I am really happy. Very, very happy, Vlad!"

"And what makes you so happy, Donnie?"

"I thought you'd already know. I've won the Super Tuesday!"

"Ah, that. Yes, I already know. Didn't think it would make you this happy, though."


"Wasn't it kinda given? Didn't you have it in your pocket already?"

"Well, yeah" (hesitant). "But it was still nice to win. So nice to win and finally kick Tricky Nikki out of the race."

"Is she really out?"

"Yes, suspended her campaign today. Stupid woman, like she ever had a chance against me! No chance at all! You know, Vlad, she is not very smart. Not smart at all."

"Wasn't she your Ambassador to the UN, Donnie?"

"Yeah, but it was just a political appointment. I needed to give her something for her support. Just something to make her happy. So I gave her the useless UN post. And she was useless there too. Useless tricky Nikki." (chuckles at his own joke).

"Just another woman you destroyed, right, Donnie?" (sinister chuckle)

"Right" (not sure if it was a compliment). "Anyway, I am now just one step away from the official nomination. Just one step away."

"When is that going to happen?"

"At the Republican Convention in mid-July, in Milwaukee."

"See, Donnie, you are literally two steps away from the presidency. That's good news indeed."

"Why two steps, Vlad?"

"Well, Step 1 - nomination, Step 2 - general election."

"Ah, that. Step 2 will be easy. I will defeat Biden. Easy."

"Are you sure, Donnie?"

"Of course, just like in 2020."

"You lost in 2020, Donnie."

"No, I didn't."

"Yes, you did."

"Did not. That election was stolen from me, Vlad, and you know it!"

"I do know that it wasn't. I was on your side, Donnie, remember? I'm well informed. You lost that election and would have lost even worse without my help."

"Well, even if I do lose this time, I will say that I won. It will work this time, you'll see. Too many people who want to see me president again. They will make it right for me this time, you'll see."

"You mean another insurrection?"

"Well yes, if it comes to that. I have a whole army of people, Vlad. A whole army. They will rise for me."

"Your words into God's ears, as our Arab friends would say, Donnie."

"That's a great saying, Vlad, I need to remember that. Definitely need to remember, your words into God's ears."

"Sure, Donnie, I do want to see you as president again, too."

"Thank you, Vlad. I have more good news for you."

"Really? Even more good news? I'm excited, what is it?"

"I have found people who can convert Indian money into dollars for you."

"Wow! That is indeed good news. Who are these miracle workers?"

"I'll tell you when you tell me how much my commission will be."

"You are an excellent negotiator, Donnie, always know what you need."

"Of course, it's my life. Always negotiating. I'm the best negotiator in the whole world. So, what's my commission?"

"I can give you 2 percent of every transaction you pull, Donnie."

"Are you kidding me, Vlad? I'd do it for no less than 10 percent."

"That's too much, Donnie, and you know it."

"No it's not."

"Yes, it is. Let's do the basic calculations. Currently, I sell to India about 1.5 million barrels of oil per day. At an average of $80 per barrel, it makes $120 million. Two percent of that is 2.4 million dollars a day. How much is that for a month-worth deal?"

"72 million."

"See, how quick you are! Just spat it out in a second. I'm impressed."

"I need 200 million, Vlad, and half of it upfront."

"That's too much, Donnie."

"Not in my situation, Vlad. I need to post almost 80 million in that horrible woman's defamation case."

"I thought you just filed a legal motion to reduce it?"

"I did, but it's a long shot, just to delay the action. I'm not sure it will work. That's why I need 100 million."

"OK, Donnie, you drive a hard bargain. I'll give you 90 million upfront and another 80 after the deal is done."

"Ninety and 100, Vlad. You will not find a better way to convert that useless money into dollars."

"Alright, Donnie, you are indeed a great negotiator. Let's make it 90-100. Here's the number for your people to call my people to set this up..."

"Thanks, Vlad, I'll have that started right away."

"Thank you, Donnie, good talk. Bye."

"Bye, Vlad." After hanging up, "That worked out great, I'll have the money to post soon, hopefully. And if this works out, who knows how much more I can get from him. Even 190 million for 6 months is over a billion..."

trumpsatirepresidentpoliticspoliticiansfact or fictioncorruption

About the Creator

Lana V Lynx

Avid reader and occasional writer of satire and short fiction. For my own sanity and security, I write under a pen name. My books: Moscow Calling - 2017 and President & Psychiatrist

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Comments (5)

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  • Brian Smrzabout a month ago

    This is hilarious. I always look forward to Lana's new column on Donnie and Vlad.

  • What a funny and eerie parody that perfectly captures the spirit of political discourse!

  • Dharrsheena Raja Segarranabout a month ago

    Hahhahahahahahahahahha his denial over losing! Also, who's the Arab friend?

  • Hannah Mooreabout a month ago

    Gah. You lost. No I didn't.

  • Andrea Corwin about a month ago

    hilarious- the conversations are funny, veering several ways! loved it!!

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