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Moscow's Calling - 15

Friends talking prison, death, and money

By Lana V LynxPublished 2 months ago Updated 2 months ago 5 min read
By Ukrainian political cartoonist Oleh Smal, specifically for the author

This conversation happened on February 22, after Trump started to compare himself to the Russian opposition leader Alexey Navalny, who died in Putin's Arctic prison on February 16, 2024.

"Hello, Donnie?"

"Hello, Vlad. What's up?"

"I want you to stop comparing yourself to that mfcker" (steely, menacing tone).

"Which one?" (scared)

"The one who died in the Arctic prison last week."

"You mean Naval..."

Putin cuts him off, "Yes."

"So it is true then?"

"What? That I killed him? Of course not!"

"Oh, I meant that you never say his name."

"He doesn't deserve my saying his name! I don't care what his name is!"

"I see. But did you really not kill him, Vlad?"

"Of course. Why would I want to kill him? It's totally against my interests! He was already in prison, under my total control."

"So he died all by himself?"

"Of course. Those prison conditions can be brutal on even the strongest men's health. And he was not healthy at all, from what I've heard."

"What did he die from, Vlad, officially?"

"Officially? We don't know yet. The investigation is still ongoing."

"Oh, c'mon, Vlad, you must know!"

"Not more than you do, that it was a sudden death syndrome."

"Really? I thought it was the thrombosis?"

"Isn't it the same, Donnie? Thrombosis leads to quite a sudden death" (sinister chuckle).

"Oh, in that sense? I guess it does. I guess it does. Where is he now?"

"I don't know. Why all these macabre questions, Donnie?" (sinister).

"Just curious, I guess."

"Well, stick your curiosity up your ass, Donnie!"

"Whoa, Vlad, that's totally uncalled for!"

"Well, stop annoying me with all these questions. And as I said, don't you dare compare yourself to him again, Donnie!"

"Is that a threat, Vlad?"

"No, for now just a warning. Or take it as a threat, anyway you want to, just stop talking about him!"

"But you left me no choice, Vlad!" (apologetic)

"What do you mean?"

"Well, remember that great interview you gave Tucker? Loved it, by the way, you looked so strong and knowledgeable, so knowledgeable, like you know everything!" (dreamily)

"It wasn't that great, Tucker was very softball, but go on..."

"And then, after the interview, your Russian journalist asked you who you would rather deal with as the next president - me or Biden?"

"A-ha, and?"

"And what did you say, Vlad?"

"I said I'd prefer Biden because he is more predictable."

"See, exactly! That's what you said, and it really hurt! It hurt me so much, that my friend would say this!"

"Oh, Donnie, in intelligence work we call it protecting our own. Just think about it: Why would I burn you as my preferred president? So that they accuse you of taking my help again? Why would I give them a reason to talk about Russian meddling in your precious elections again?"

"Oh, that! That makes perfect sense now! The way you put it, Vlad, it makes perfect sense! So, we are still friends?"

"Of course we are. That's why I want you to stop comparing yourself to that traitor and backstabber, it hurts me as a friend!"

"Alright, Vlad, I won't anymore, I promise."

"Good, Donnie. How are things otherwise?"

"Not good, Vlad. Not so good at all."

"How come?"

"Are you not watching the news, Vlad? They've ruined my business in New York! New York, Vlad, my home state! And the city where I built the entire skyline!"

"Ah, that I've heard about, of course. But we talked about it earlier, I thought you'd just appeal the decision?"

"Even if I appeal, I still need to put up the money as bail or collateral or whatever they call it. Otherwise they will start selling my assets!"

"Are you good for it, Donnie? How much do you need?"

"Half a billion dollars, can you believe it?"

"Are you good for it, Donnie?"

"Well, I have the assets, of course, I have the best assets. Best fucking assets in the whole world! But it will take time to make them liquid. Why are you asking, Vlad? Can you help, as a friend?"

"I wish! You know I would if I could, but all my money abroad is either frozen or arrested. Can't move it because of the sanctions, thanks to Biden."

"Damn Biden!"

"I agree, Donnie, damn Biden! But I see you are also starting to make money with Trump high-top snickers and perfume" (snorts with laughter to the side).

"Yeah, yeah, but at the rate it goes, it will take me like 30 years to make half a billion. Thirty years, Vlad, can you believe it? I hope when Lara becomes the RNC co-chair, she'll help me get the GOP campaign money. But right now, I'm so low! So low I can't even believe it myself. Might have to file for bankruptcy."

"Don't you have other powerful rich friends, Donnie? I heard Elon went to see you in Palm Beach recently?"

"How do you know that, Vlad? That was supposed to be a secret."

"I know everything, Donnie, you should know this by now" (chuckles).

"Yeah, I guess. Elon promised to sell some of his Dodge coins for me, but it will also take time. Are you sure you can't help, Vlad? A friend to a friend?"

"Well, if you can find a way to convert rupees into dollars for me, Donnie, I can give you a 5% commission from whatever you can yield."

"Ru... what?"

"Indian rupees. Modi is still buying my oil, hush-hush, but because foreign currency transactions are sanctioned for Russia, he's been paying me in rupees, basically like a barter exchange, and I don't know what to do with his useless money."

"Ah, I see. I'll have to ask around here if we can do anything about it. I'll ask around, Vlad, and call you back."

"Deal, Donnie. How about our mutual Arab friends? Can't MBS help you?"

"I don't know, haven't asked them yet. I usually went to him through Jared but he is now trying to stay away."

"Doesn't he have his own money? He is your son-in-law, for God's sake, why wouldn't he help you out?"

"I don't know, Vlad, beats me. He dodges my calls and any conversations about money or business. So does Ivanka."

"Oh, really? That must be tough."

"I'll survive. I just need to become president again and then they will crawl back to me, begging for forgiveness. Just need to become president again."

"Alright, you do that, Donnie, and I'll try to help as well."

"Thank you, Vlad, I really appreciate it. I'll call you back about Modi's money."

"Good deal. Bye until then, Donnie!"

"Bye, Vlad." After hanging up, "Wow, I seem to have dodged a bullet just now!"

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About the Creator

Lana V Lynx

Avid reader and occasional writer of satire and short fiction. For my own sanity and security, I write under a pen name. My books: Moscow Calling - 2017 and President & Psychiatrist

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Comments (4)

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  • Andrea Corwin about a month ago

    OMG covered many bases in this one - doge money, Lara, Jared. These are so good, I love them!!

  • Your cleverly woven satire and political analysis skillfully weave comedy into the intricate web of world politics, providing both amusement and food for thought.

  • Bozhan Bozhkov2 months ago

    Great satire. But I'm afraid that Trump will really become president. So, with two lunatics at the head of the two great powers, the World will become a disaster.

  • Hahahahahahahahaha I laughed so much when you brought Modi in! "Ru..what?" 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

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