I’m Switching to the GOP and Running For President
It’s time to join the Republican Party
I’m officially fed up. I’m tired of the loudest, whiniest people in politics always getting their way. They piss and moan, and complain about being “persecuted” for their religious and political beliefs.
They want the ability to make reproductive choices for women. Evidently, they don’t think that their wives, daughters, cousins, or neighbors know what’s best for their own bodies. They don’t want immigrants coming to America anymore. They’re not a fan of LGBTQ people being able to get married or adopt children.
But somehow, they get shit done. They have the Supreme Court in their pocket. They very well may take the House majority in the November elections, and already control the Senate. Their plan beyond that? Defeat Joe Biden in the next election.
I’m all for it. And there’s a reason why. I plan to defect to the red side. No more blue wave for me. It’s time to join up with the GOP and get on a winning team. I’m tired of seeing the Democratic side getting their asses kicked. But I have a plan.
I’m going to be a mole. I’m going to become the biggest MAGA-supporting, flag-humping, gun-toting, Conservative Christian asshole I possibly can transform into. To gain inside access to their world. I’m going to kick so much Socialist, Commie ass that they’ll never see it coming.
Time For an Extreme Makeover: Politician Edition
So how will I infiltrate the inner workings of the Republican Party? How am I going to convince the world that I’ve flipped my political beliefs completely on their ass and am now starting over as a MAGAT? Well, I have a plan to eventually be electable by Idiot America.
First, I’ll get saved. Again. You see, I was raised by a conservative Christian pastor father. I’m going to think back to what that was like and try to improve on it. The first step is finding a home church.
And not just any home church. An Evangelical Christian one. I want to hear about Hell, fire, and brimstone. I want to get so terrified of eternal damnation and burning for eternity in Hell, that I’m too scared to scratch my balls. I can’t have the Lord or anyone else thinking I’m playing with myself. That’s a one-way ticket to Hell.
To fully commit to this new church-going identity, I’ll need to participate in all aspects of the church. I’m bringing casseroles to the after-service potlucks. I don’t know how to make casseroles, but I know that if I stock up on Miracle Whip, that’s a good start. I’ll add some kind of meat and potatoes, and voila. They won’t suspect a thing.
This brings me to the next aspect of my Republican transformation. I’ll need a haircut. I don’t think that curly, wavy hair is going to do the trick. I’m thinking a flat top might do nicely. Kind of like Drago, from Rocky IV, but not as blonde as that Commie prick.
Then again, I’ve been growing this hair for quite some time. Honestly, if I got a hair straightener, I could have the makings of a solid mullet. Would the MAGA crowd take me seriously as a political candidate with a mullet? Hmmm. Something to mull over.
I’ll need a wardrobe makeover as well. I’ll run out and shop for Wrangler jeans, a Stetson cowboy hat, and get me the biggest goddamn belt buckle I can find. Oh, and cowboy boots. If I’m going to take this seriously, there need to be cowboy boots.
I’ll also be sure to get a lot of Carhart clothing for when it’s colder. And clothing with the American flag or Police Lives Matter logo. Perhaps I’ll even wear the American flag.
Shit, speaking of flags, I‘ll need to shop for a number of them. I have a Dodge pickup truck already, so that part is all set. But I’ll need to get flag poles and my new preferred political party’s starter kit for flags. Which ones will I need?
The American flag, obviously. Perhaps two of them, for the left and right sides of my truck. I’ll demonstrate twice the blind loyalty and patriotism than the next fella. A Trump 2024 flag, though I have my plans to be the candidate for president, should he end up in prison.
The other flags I’ll have to fly from my pickup would be the Fuck Joe Biden flag, a Let’s Go Brandon, and for a bit of color, the yellow Don’t Tread on Me flag. Oh, I’ll grab a Confederate flag from someone in the nearby trailer park. So many flags, so much patriotism.
The last thing I’ll need, the cherry on the white-trash cake, would be a pair of truck-nuts. I’d like to get a big, swingin’ pair to go on the back end of my pickup. Everyone knows that men who put testicles on the back of their trucks are the manliest of manly men.
With my new look in place, my truck all ‘Murica-ed out, and my membership in the most hateful church in place, I have to extend this a bit further. It’s time to deal with my social media presence. This one is not going to be easy.
I’m certain that over the past 14 years I’ve posted hundreds of anti-GOP and anti-Trump memes. It’s going to take many hours to delete all of those. If I have aspirations to actually run for president, perhaps a better strategy is to delete all of my social media and start over.
I’ll sign up for Truth Social and Parler. I’m going to start posting things about Uvalde being a fake, staged mass shooting. I’ll talk shit about Sandy Hook, too. Pretty much any mass shooting is going to get picked apart and denied by me.
I have to show these people that I’m one of them if I’m going to gain their trust and votes. Note to self: Friend Kyle Rittenhouse on all of these new sites, I’m sure he’s on there, typing away in his mother’s basement.
At this point, it will be time to run for local government. I’ll have no issue winning any elected position I run for. Idaho is one of the reddest states you can imagine. With my platform being “Guns, God, and Guns”, I’ll skate to an easy victory.
I’m going to have to practice talking slower, and using shorter, less-articulate sentences. This is going to be difficult for a writer. Perhaps I’ll just have my Bride take a frying pan upside my head. A severe brain injury could prove to be the level playing field I need to become one of “them”.
Once I have my new mindset, it will be easier to watch Fox News 24–7. I have to learn about my fellow Republicans I’ll be dealing with. I will need the back stories of Lauren Boebert, Ted Cruz, Ron DeSantis, and Marjorie Taylor Greene.
I’m gonna need to do my homework. Fox News, volume 70. Always better at ear-bleeding levels, for the propaganda to fully sink in. Just ask racist and bigoted parents and grandparents everywhere. Especially in the Bible Belt, Deep South, and any states where large pockets of ignorance abound.
Once I jump from whatever entry-level local office I’ve served into a governor position, shit starts to get real. I will campaign on Truth Social, Parler, and in the parking lots of Walmart. I plan to have dip and chew cans with my face and slogan on them. It will go over huge with the local dinguses.
Once I’m to the point of being elected to the Senate or House, I’ll be more excited than Ted Nugent on a canned safari hunt. I’ll cat scratch my way to the top of the political food chain and will soon be participating in bonding trips with my GOP comrades.
We’ll do team-building exercises like axe throwing, PBR beer bongs, and counter-protesting at Pro-Choice events. We’ll have round table discussions about our favorite dictators.
I’ll announce my candidacy for president and discuss my political platform. My agenda will be best summed up with the slogans “If You Don’t Vote For Me, You Hate America”, and “Fuck Your Feelings”. Snowflakes NOT welcome.
I’ll tell everyone that climate change isn’t real. That poor people should just pull themselves up by their bootstraps and do better on America’s level playing field. And that if you choose to get an education, don’t expect us to forgive your student loan debt. Moochers.
The reason I know that all of this will work is because Trump was able to do it. If a world-class ass-sniffer like Trump can get elected president, fucking ANYONE can. He was even a Democrat back in the day like I am now. So there is a precedent for this type of thing happening.
Once I’m president, America will truly be great again. I’ll make a major announcement on national TV once I’m sworn into office. Ashton Kutcher will be there with me. I plan on letting him deliver the news that ‘Murica has been PUNK’d, big time.
The first order of business will be to completely stack the Supreme Court to the liberal side. If Trump did it while Ruth Bader Ginsberg wasn’t even cold yet, you bet your ass I’ll do it, too. And no simple majority, either. I’m putting ten to a dozen more liberal judges on the court because I CAN.
Once we have a majority on the liberal side, we’ll get to work fixing this country that has been in shambles for quite some time. I’ll be working on women having their full reproductive rights given back. If you don’t like it, move to fascist Italy. Or communist countries. America, love it or leave it, am I right?
We’ll end prison for profit and fully legalize marijuana at the federal level. We’re going to do away with state’s rights on many things, as it’s been proven that so many politicians have their heads so far up their asses, that they can’t feel the pulse of the American people.
Nobody will go hungry in my America. Nobody will be living on the streets. Our grossly inflated military budget will cough up enough money from the reductions I’ll make to take care of our mentally ill, our homeless, and our veterans.
Education will be a top priority. There will be free but mandatory college for all. If you don’t attend, we’ll lock you up and make you watch CNN in your cell until you snap the fuck out of it and decide that free education isn’t as bad as sitting in a prison cell. This is part of how we’ll make America great again.
The Trump family will be the janitors in these prisons. Or perhaps work the kitchen or the laundry area. I’d love to see Ivanka in a hairnet, scooping shitty beef stroganoff and lumpy mashed potatoes to the people her father fleeced out of millions of dollars.
Dumb and Dumber, the boy geniuses formerly known as Don Jr. and Eric will be cellmates. This is only because I want to have a live feed from their cells and watch them fight with each other. This will be my main form of entertainment.
Jared can work the laundry area, though I’d worry about him sniffing the dirty chonies. Melania will be pulling yard duty, but she will not be allowed to dig up the rose bushes or cut down the goddamn trees. Donny will lead the church group, with his upside Bible and all. Time to repent, Sinners.
I’m excited to hold the highest office in the land and use my powers for good. I can’t wait to help fix this country. I also can’t wait to block that dick Kyle Rittenhouse from my social media. &:^)