Calling Moscow - 19

This conversation happened on November 10, following rumors of Putin’s death and Trump’s testimony in the New York civil fraud case.

“Hello, Vlad?"

"Hmm?"

"Thank God you picked up, Vlad! I was afraid you really died!”

“Who is this and how did you get this number?”

“Are you kidding me, Vlad? It’s Donnie, your friend.”

“Donnie? Donnie who?”

“C’mon, Vlad! How many friends named Donnie do you have?”

“Trying to think. None?”

“Oh wow, Vlad! This makes me think the rumors are true…”

“Rumors? Which rumors?”

“That you have doppelgängers.”

“Dopple… what?”

“Body doubles, stand-ins.”

“Kinda like you have for Melania?”

“What? How do you know?”

Putin chuckles.

“Oh, wait… You were the one who told me to get a double for Melania. So, is this really you, Vlad?”

“Yes, Donnie. Just pulling your leg.”

Both laugh, Trump with relief.

“Phew. You had me scared for a second, Vlad. Just for a second, scared. How have you been?”

“I’m fine, Donnie. You?”

“I’m not fine, Vlad.”

“Yeah, how come?”

“I may lose all my business in New York, Vlad! All my business, that I had built with so much sweat and tears! The Trump-hating judge there is relentless! Simply relentless! He went after my sons and grilled me and then Ivanka this week. Can you imagine, my Ivanka in a court hearing, like she is some sort of a common criminal.”

“A-ha.”

“What do you mean, a-ha?”

“Just agreeing with you, Donnie.”

“Ah, Ok. For a second there I thought you were agreeing with the judge.”

“Should I?”

“Should you what?”

“Agree with the judge?”

“Of course not, Vlad, I thought as my friend you’d be on my side!”

“I am on your side, Donnie, just teasing you.”

“You are teasing me a lot today, Vlad!”

“Don’t I always?”

“Not as much as today.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, Donnie. I didn’t mean to offend you. It’s all just good banter, right?”

“Well, I don’t know. I’m talking about pretty serious things, Vlad, like my New York sham fraud trial. It’s pretty serious for me, Vlad, no joke at all!”

“I’m sorry, Donnie. Tell me more. I’ve seen some reports about your testimony. You really showed that judge who’s boss!”

“Right? I just can’t believe this is even allowed, interrogating a President like that! This whole case is a joke!”

“It really is, Donald.”

“Donald? Why so formal, Vlad? You only call me that when you are mad at me. Are you mad at me, Vlad?”

“No, not mad. I just read somewhere that you prefer to be called Donald.”

“Not by friends, Vlad. You always called me Donnie.”

“Ah, ok, good to know.”

“You seem to be off today, Vlad.”

“What do you mean?”

“Like you are not yourself.”

“Really? Hmm. I don’t know. I seem to be the same to me. Same old me. Anyway, how was Ivanka’s?”

“Ivanka’s what?”

“Testimony in the hearing.”

“It was good.”

“Really? I heard she said ‘I don’t recall’ a lot.”

“She sure did.”

“And how is this good for you?”

“Much better than what my sons said. They are both idiots, I’m sorry to say because they are my sons. Just idiots. Not smart like me, not at all. Especially Eric, he’s really a moron. Ivanka is smart, she’d never say anything to hurt me.”

“Well, one would hope do.”

“One? Which one?”

“Isn’t it just an expression , Donnie, like meaning ‘I would hope so’?”

“Then why wouldn’t you just say ‘I’ instead of ‘one’? Are you deliberately trying to confuse me, Vlad?”

“Of course not, Donnie. I’m genuinely interested in your trial, for it to work out the way you want.”

“Thank you but I don’t think it’s possible.”

“Why?”

“Because that judge hates me. Everyone in New York seems to hate me. They will be happy if I lose my business there.”

“Well, I guess we’ll have to see, Donnie. I really have to go now…”

“Oh, ok. Please call me sometimes.”

“I’ll try, Donald, bye!”

After hanging up, “Phew! I nearly got burned. I don’t know how long I will be able to continue this charade!”