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Calling Moscow - 11

Two friends joined by a third one in a conversation

By Lana V LynxPublished 2 months ago Updated 2 months ago 7 min read
By a Ukrainian cartoonist Oleh Smal

This conversation took place on Tuesday evening, January 10, 2023.

“Hello, Vlad?”

“Yes, Donnie, what is it?” (impatient)

“I have someone here that I think you’d be happy to hear from.”

“Oh yeah, who?” (fake-intrigued)

“Jair, say hi to Vlad.”

Bolsonaro: “Hi, Vladimir, my friend!”

Putin, lightened up: “Oh, Jair, dear, good to hear from you! How are you there with Donnie?”

Bolsonaro: “I came to visit with a friend in Orlando and Donnie here invited me for dinner.”

Trump: “Yes, as soon as I heard Jair was here in Florida, I invited him for dinner at my beautiful Mar-a-Lago home. And then I thought we should call you. Isn’t that tremendous, three friends talking to each other?”

Putin: “Yeah, yeah, Donnie, wonderful. Jair, I’ve been following the events in Brasilia. So tragic!”

Trump: “So tragic, yes, but it’s not ‘Brasilia,’ Vlad, it’s ‘Brazil’!” (proud of himself for knowing something).

Putin: “Donnie, Brasilia is the capital of Brazil.”

Trump: “Oh really?” (Bolsonaro nods). “I didn’t know that! Who knew!”

Putin: “Everyone who knows anything about the world geography, Donnie.” (Trump pouts). “Anyway, Jair, I’m sorry your supporters were not able to oust Lula.”

Trump, hurriedly: “Yes, yes, and I did everything to help, gave them my playbook, even sent Jason Miller there as an advisor and Steve Bannon helped as well.”

Putin: “Yeah, and where are they know?”

Trump: “Miller was arrested in Brazil, Bannon is here.”

Putin: “Exactly! Maybe your playbook is not as good as you think, Donnie.” (Trump pouts again). “Anyway, Jair, my friend, how are you holding up?”

Bolsonaro: “I’m OK, Vladimir, thank you for asking. Trying to decide what to do next.”

Putin: “Can you go back to Brazil?”

Bolsonaro: “I don’t know. Now that Lula has declared the uprising a coup and arrested so many of my supporters, it might be difficult. I stated that I had nothing to do with the uprising, but I don’t think the leftists in power believe me. Besides, my supporters now think I’ve abandoned them. I’m afraid if I go back, they will put me to jail for instigating the insurrection.”

Trump: “Good thing they can’t do it to me here, as a former president.”

Putin: “Why does it always have to be about you, Donnie? Jair is in real trouble here.”

Trump, pouting: “Sorry, Jair. You can always stay here, you know, for as long as you want.”

Bolsonaro: “I don’t think so. My visa as a head of state has expired, I’m supposed to leave the US within 30 days.”

Trump: “Bullshit! You can stay here, as my personal guest. They won’t do anything to you at Mar-a-Lago, my Winter White House!”

Putin: “You seem to have forgotten that your resort had been recently ransacked by the FBI, Donnie.”

Trump: “When?”

Putin: “When they retrieved all those secret documents you took with you, Donnie.”

Trump: “Oh, you mean the raid! Isn’t that outrageous! Completely insane, when I wasn’t even here. Cowards! And now that they found secret documents Biden had taken, they wouldn’t do anything to him! Double standards!”

Putin: “Again, Donnie, not about you, and I don’t think Jair is safe in the States.”

Trump: “And what do you suggest he should do?”

Putin: “He could always go to a friendly or neutral country.”

Bolsonaro: “Like what?”

Putin: “I think any BRICS country would work. That’s why we formed that alliance, to support each other. If the others refuse, I’d be happy to host you, Jair, for as long as you need to have a shelter.”

Bolsonaro: “So that we can be the world’s pariahs together?”

Putin: “Ouch, that was hurtful, Jair. I’m not a pariah!”

Bolsonaro: “Not by your choice, of course, but isn’t Russia cut off from the rest of the world now?”

Putin: “Don’t even start me on that, Jair, I thought you were on my side!”

Bolsonaro: “Of course I’m on your side, Vladimir, but…”

Putin: “But you wouldn’t want to live in Russia, I see.”

Bolsonaro: “What would I do there? I won’t have access to my money as Russia is under sanctions, and I don’t want to be a burden for you.”

Putin: “C’mon, Jair, we can always find a way around the sanctions. How do you think I’m still going, with all the power of the NATO machine against me? We can arrange access to your money through third persons, offshores and crypto. And my friends are never a burden to me. You can stay with me for as long as you need.”

Bolsonaro: “With you, in your bunker?”

Putin: “Bunker? Which bunker?”

Bolsonaro: “Aren’t you staying in a bunker, somewhere in the Ural Mountains?”

Putin: “Who told you that?”

Bolsonaro: “Well, many people, including…” (Trump shakes his head vigorously) “some of the intelligence services.”

Putin: “Don’t believe anyone, Jair. Especially my enemies' intelligence services.”

Bolsonaro: “Oh, Vladimir, I’m only concerned about your safety. No matter where you are, as long as you are safe.”

Putin: “I’m safe, Jair, don’t worry about me.”

Trump: “Safe in your bunker?”

Putin: “Don’t test my patience, Donnie.”

Trump: “Sorry, I was just joking.”

Putin: “NOT funny, Donnie, a very lame joke.”

Trump: “Sorry, Vlad. Do I sense some hostility from you? Why? Are we still friends?”

Putin: “Friends are supposed to be supportive of each other, not backstabbing.”

Trump: “When did I backstab you, Vlad? All I do is try to help you.”

Putin: “Trying is not the same as doing, Donnie.”

Trump: “I can’t do much now, Vlad, you know that, because I’m not the president anymore.”

Putin: “You didn’t do much when you were the president, either.”

Trump: “But I tried, my hands were tied, Vlad, and you know it!”

Bolsonaro: “Oh, I hate it when friends fight. Vladimir, give Donnie a break. He is already in distress. He lost a good friend today.”

Putin: “Oh, really? Who?”

Trump, grateful for the way out: “Diamond.”

Putin: “Oh. And here I thought diamonds were forever.”

Pause, then all three break into laughter. Trump: “That’s a good one, Vlad. You do know who Diamond was, don’t you?”

Putin: “Of course I do. One-half of the Diamond & Silk duo. Good entertainment. I’m sorry for your loss, Donnie.”

Trump: “Thank you. She was a good woman, very loyal. A true patriot. And she loved me.”

Putin: “I know, Donnie. I’m sorry for your loss.”

Trump: “Thank you, Vlad.”

Putin: “Well, my friends, you go and have your dinner. I need to go and shake up my special operation command.”

Bolsonaro: “Oh, really, why?”

Putin: “There’s too much infighting in my military among the generals, and Surovikin didn’t lead the operation to success as he promised. So, I need to do something to shake up the swamp, we are getting stuck in the Ukraine again.”

Bolsonaro: “Well, as someone with the military experience, I know exactly what you mean, Vladimir.”

Putin: “Another good reason for you to come here, Jair. I could use some good friendly advice.”

Bolsonaro: “I’ll think about it. Good luck with your special operation, Vladimir, I hope you’ll be able to wrap it up soon. But not too soon, if you know what I mean.”

Putin, chuckling: “I know exactly what you mean, Jair. Take care and my invitation is open.”

Trump: “And what about me?”

Putin: “What about you, Donnie?”

Trump: “Do I have an open invitation from you, Vlad?”

Putin: “Of course. You can come and stay in my bunker at any time.”

Trump: “Did you just say ‘bunker,’ Vlad?”

Putin: “Just to tease you, Donnie. You know I will be always happy to see you. Go have your dinner. Bye!”

Both Trump and Bolsonaro: “Bye!”

Trump to Bolsonaro: “He is something, isn’t he?”

Bolsonaro: “He certainly is. I’d hate to have him as an enemy.”

Trump: “Me too. Let’s go eat, and then – golf!”

politicstrumpsatirepoliticiansfact or fiction

About the Creator

Lana V Lynx

Avid reader and occasional writer of satire and dystopia under a pen name of my favorite wild cat.

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  • Brian Smrz2 months ago

    I really enjoyed this story. From the beginning to the end it was easy to follow along. Lana made this sound like a real life conversation, and it even cracked me up at times.

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