When will we be done with leopard print?

I just can't do it. I don't care if it's a pair of flats or a tee shirt or a frickin scrunchy: I cannot force myself to buy leopard print. I sort of understand that tacky is the new trendy, and I get that fashion is all about pushing boundaries but... really? Animal print? To me this is like every the film industry decides to make the four millionth Spiderman movie instead of a good Steel Magnolias remake: I just think, "but... why?"

Like, okay, overalls came back. Still pretty dorky but I've seen some fun modern/fashionable takes on the whole thing, I like the look of an overall romper sort of thing. I can dig it. We've had a mix of the boho 60's and 70's thing going on the past couple summers and it's been super cute! Okay, I'm a little sick of mustard yellow and orange floral patterns but otherwise I've been on board with a lot of the retro/throwback trends making their way into mainstream fashion. We've even got a bit of 80's mom jean/graphic tee stuff going on-- I can support it. But the thing is... animal print was never cool. It did not ever look good. It should be locked in a vault with Britney and Justin's denim duo moment and never seen again. Why is it everywhere? Is this a conspiracy with the creators of Tiger King? How is anyone other than the cast of Jersey Shore buying into this trend? As a lover of fashion and clothing I am legitimately confused!

I would love to say that I think other people can rock it and maybe it's just not for me. I would love to go on to give you examples of some of my favourite leopard print looks on some of our favourite celebrities or maybe even some of my friends who have bought the first class ticket to ride the animal print train. I would love to, but unfortunately, I am not a liar. And no, I'm also not a fashion expert by any means. My favourite staple items at the moment are amazon essentials tee shirts and gym shorts. Mind you, I am a new mom, and I spend most of my day crawling after my son singing "Old MacDonald". I will unfortunately be declining my invite to the Met Gala this year; it's the same night as Paw Patrol Live.

However, in the next two months I will be returning to my full time job. The dress code in my office is thankfully fairly casual, however, I will need to at least dress up my fruit puree stained tee shirt and pair of husband's boxers from his bulkier days with a chunky knit blazer, and let me tell you, the hunt for new work clothes for this new, post-partum body is coming up very... leopard-y. Like, especially in larger sizes. Olive, leopard, and vertical stripes. That's it, that's all, take it or leave it. I can't be the only person who doesn't want to look like a well fed jungle cat or the trees it sleeps in. Why do all of the women's clothes that would actually fit me have to resemble something Tarzan would swipe right on if he saw you wearing it?

I am just a curvy woman, standing in front of a fashion industry, asking it to please move on from leopard and olive bodycon dresses and two piece crop top sets and make me some clothes that are meant to fit and compliment my body, too. Make something all of us can enjoy from size 00 to size 40. Leopard print ain't it, sis. We have to let it go.

Please. For the love of god. Try some new colours, patterns, and fits. I'm all for liberating all shapes and sizes of bodies and I love to see all the ways my sisters in every corner of the world rock a look., Yet I'm not always in to showing the public every inch of what I'm rockin', thank you very much. You can all get a taste of all this goodness when I slap on my bikini and strut to the nearest ice cream stand in the summer but that's only when I feel like showing it off, you know? Whatever happened to a nice little empire waist action? And can't we make some two piece sets that don't force me to show off my rib cage? AND WHY DOES IT HAVE TO HAVE A CAT'S SKIN ON IT?!

I would also really love to say I'm happy for the girls who can wear these "baggy" button down "boyfriend shirts" with no waist definition and look adorable, and, okay, I'm a little happy for you because the trend is cute... but it is not cute on me. I do not look like I'm wearing my boyfriend's shirt. I either look like I am wearing my younger brother's shirt, OR I look like I am wearing Hulk's closet and the opposite of a waist shaper. An un-shaper. Really I just look like a cardboard box wearing jeans. Why in 2020 are there still no options for adorable pieces to be made slightly more large in the chest and waist defined for those of us who have a lot to work with on our chests, hmm? Why don't I get to wear cute button downs without looking like I am teaching the neighbourhood children that today's episode is brought to them by squares?

For years I have wanted to lose weight or reduce the size of my breasts so I could wear cute clothes. Honestly, that's the reason. I adore fashion and I just wish I could participate. I'm married to a man who finds all of this stretch mark, "mom tummy", jump to put my jeans on goodness absolutely delectable, so I can assure you I don't need to impress anyone or be smaller to feel sexy. I have just always wished that I could wear what is made for smaller sizes, or have it look good on my body. WELL NO MORE, I SAY!

My darlings in the fashion industry: take your tight fitting, leopard print, miniature-sized boyfriend, fanny pack (seriously what is up with fanny packs being a thing again), fashion from size 00-12, exclusive crap, get in your little brainstorming sessions, and start thinking about all beautiful bodies that want to wear fun clothes, okay? I want to be rocking some pieces I could stomp down a runway in after I breastfeed right alongside the Victoria's Secret Model who just got off of her 4th hour on the treadmill.

And if you try to make zebra print a thing I give up and will just wear black muumuus until I die.

Yours in spanx and thin patience,

Hannah B.