My Service & My Assault

WARNING: This is my personal story, and it might be triggering to anybody who has suffered from sexual assault. I try not to get into too much detail, but still, tread lightly just in case.

I was 21 years old when I signed up to go into the military. It was 4 months later that the twin towers were taken out by a terrorist attack. I didn't ever doubt that I wanted to serve my country, do my part to 'protect' my family, and follow in the footsteps of so many of my family members.

I didn't know that I was trans at the time, I just thought I was a lesbian. Don't Ask Don't Tell was still in place. I signed a piece of paper saying that I wasn't attracted to someone of my 'same sex' just to finish enlisting. I signed so many papers, that by the end of it, my signature didn't even look like anything besides wiggly lines. I knew the risk I was taking and I was determined to finish what I started. I was proud to be an American and to serve like my father, grandfather, uncles, cousin, and aunt.

I did my time in boot camp, and nearly got forced out by someone who wanted to say that I was harassing her. One of my female Petty Officers stood up for me, along with a girl I thought hated me. After that, we became close friends. I hurt myself halfway through the tail end of Boot, and couldn't even run my last test with my 'ship' because of the injury. I spent Christmas with a family that wasn't my own, though they were kind enough to adopt some of us for the holiday. The day before I left boot I had to run with an all-male crew, and we set records. I didn't have time to celebrate because I had to book it across the whole base so that I could leave with the rest of the sailors in my crew.

I reached my first schooling post and met people that would become quick, close friends. More than one of those guys had a crush on me.

I had one guy force my hand down his pants, just grabbed it and shoved it down there. He played it off as a joke, one I laughed at but didn't think was funny, so I avoided him when I could. Another one of them I was good friends with, hung out all the time and played video games with my other buddy, his bunkmate. I stayed over one weekend because we all had been drinking and having fun, and he fondled me in my sleep. I say sleep, but I was laying there awake. Thankfully I was, that way I could move out of positions he put me in so that he could try and molest me. I would hate to have found out just how far he would have gone if I had passed out. I started avoiding him too.

Fast forward to my post in my home state, I got lucky with that one, I was stationed in San Diego. I made friends there too. Few of the guys and gals in the line shack enjoyed hanging out off base, even once I was in charge of them. The LGBTQ scene was great, we had a 'gay district' called Hillcrest, which was wonderful. That's when I started getting out of my shell and learning who I was and felt accepted for it. I still felt at risk because of the Don't Ask Don't Tell bullshit, but I lived my best life.

Then one night I went out with a friend, we hung out in Hillcrest, had some drinks and took a cab back to the base. Went back to his barracks room, since it was across the building from mine. We sat around watching some stupid thing on TV, and the next thing I knew he was massaging my back. I'm just thinking he's being a chill dude, but I'm also a bit buzzed, so I'm not reading into things much. He knows I like women. Eventually, I get tired, relax, and start drifting off. I woke up to him with his head between my legs, but I'm still out of it mostly. Next thing I know he's on top of me. I got out from under him by saying I was going to vomit.

I spent the rest of that night in the empty bed across the room, curled up and bleeding slightly. The following day I got up, went to my room, and cleaned up. I had to go to work that night, knowing that he would be there since we worked together... I was his freaking Petty Officer. When I got there he couldn't look me in the eye, and I avoided him. We never, ever talked about it. I don't know if he spoke to any other men who worked under or above me.

About a month later I went AWOL, spent two months off base getting high, fucking a marine girl I had met. I was a mess. I couldn't go back to base and face that man, someone I had trusted, because I didn't know how to feel about it. It was only later, a few years ago in fact, that I realized I was roofied. I was talking to someone who knew a lot about it and they said the details (which I left out) of my mental state, and physical signs pointed to being drugged.

This piece of shit felt that he had a right to my body, so he took what he wanted. He wasn't violent, didn't 'force' me, and so I couldn't process just what had happened. I blamed myself for so long.

Eventually, I went back, faced my peers, and got a second chance. Yet I couldn't do it, I couldn't work with this person that had violated me and then acted like it didn't happen. I didn't know who to go to, I had no proof as to what happened. So I went AWOL again, and when I came back they locked me up in the brig. My XO came to me in person and asked me what I wanted to do, if I wanted to face court-martial, or if I wanted to come back. I said that I couldn't go back and that I just wanted out. So he had them use my discharge as punishment.

This is why I have an other than honorable on my DD214, stating that I couldn't rejoin and that I couldn't have the benefits that I earned. All because some cis man wanted to help himself to my body.

I am telling this story because of all the bullshit I am seeing, with people telling women not to be upset about this ruling. This doesn't just fuck with women, it also fucks with people like myself, trans men and other non-binary or genderqueer folks. I was lucky that I had the lovely birth control injections at the time because he didn't use a condom while he was violating my body. I could have ended up worse off, pregnant from something that disgusting.

As it is, I have had to wait until now to do a more full transition, partly because healthcare sucks in America and because doctors don't like to take healthy uteruses out of healthy bodies. As a TRANS MAN, I was scared that a doctor wouldn't allow me to make a choice about my own body. Now I am even more afraid of that... I have been waiting 18 years for this. I have never wanted to have kids, my vagina isn't even something I have felt any kind of comfort with. Yet because I have one, I have fewer rights than cis men do.

So as a Veteran of the United States Navy, I say ‘Fuck You’ America and ‘Fuck You’ Supreme Court. As someone who signed away my life, even though equality wasn't a thing, in hopes of making my family proud, and joining the long line of those in my family who served before me. I take no pride in being American because I am treated like an outcast. My existence as a person is being debated and slandered, and now the ability to manage my own body has been shoved further out of my hands. There is nothing great about this country.

I am angry, and I stand with everyone else who has had their freedom of choice once again stripped from them. I stand with all those before us that have fought for that choice, and who have suffered far worse than I have. I tell my story now, not for praise, but to show how deep my understanding runs. I took a vow to protect this country from threats, both foreign and domestic. So I don't plan on ignoring the attack on the civil liberties of everyone who isn't CIS, white, and heterosexual.

Now is not the time to stand by, we have to stand together and make our voices heard. We need to vote, protest, and protect our human rights!