Congratulations, Chief Petty Officer

Congrats, newly minted Chief Petty Officer!

So you’ve just made it to the rank of E-7 in the United States Navy. We know the climb up was rough, but now that you’re finally near the top, you can take this opportunity to make sure the climb is even rougher for those coming up after you. In my five part series, we’ll take you through such valuable lessons as:

1. Sleep is for the weak: Scientific studies have proven beyond a reasonable doubt that eighteen hours without sleep is the equivalent of a blood alcohol level of 0.05 percent, also known as legal intoxication. But what do those eggheads know about YOUR Navy? Why, when you were a junior enlisted, you once stood up for a hundred hours straight, and then killed a hundred terrorists with your bare hands. Or maybe they were moon spiders. You’re not sure. You were hallucinating pretty hard by that time. Point is, sleep is a luxury, something your sailors can do in their free time. But while there’s work to be done, no one sleeps. Except you, because you’ve already told everyone what they need to get done today, and that chair in your office, where the sunlight hits just right—well, it’s pretty much paradise.
2. Punish every minor infraction: Did the snow strike pretty hard this morning, causing one of your sailors to show up to work seven minutes after muster? No excuses. Time to make an example out of that young man and his so-called “safe driving habits.” You need to show your other sailors that such a lack of professionalism will not be tolerated. If risking death can gain them an extra ten minutes of time to work for the good of America, then they had better take that risk.
3. Cover up every major infraction: What, one of your sailors was sexually assaulted last night? Why, if that gets out it could reflect poorly on the whole division! Better bully her into keeping her mouth shut, and spread rumors that she’s known for getting around anyway. That said, to be on the safe-side, you’d better put your entire division through a three hour training course full of inane metaphors that make a joke of the entire concept of sexual assault. On a Friday night, of course.
4. One spot of dust is an insult to our American ways: The greatest threat to our American way of life is not terrorists, or communists, or even namby pamby junior enlisted who believe that their lives are important. No, the one thing that could threaten everything the Navy stands for, that could bring the failure of our missions and the end of the world itself, is that quiet, insidious infection known as… dust. Your sailors must be vigilant in their eradication of everything dirty. Forget sleep, forget food, forget even the jobs they’ve been trained for and assigned to. It is every sailor’s chief duty to ensure that not a single spot of dust exists anywhere upon a Naval vessel.
5. When in doubt, tell stories about your time as a junior enlisted: It doesn’t matter how boring or irrelevant to the current situation it is. Your junior enlisted will surely be heartened and realize just how good they’ve got it when you tell tales of how rough the Navy used to be. Now, say it with me, “Back in my day…”

Follow these easy steps and you too can ensure that every day your sailors spend in your Navy is so thoroughly demoralizing that should an emergency actually happen, they’ll gladly throw their lives away in pursuit of the mission, if only to get away from you.