Vocal Verified—The Worst Dates Ever

One year ago, Vocal ran a contest in partnership with O.school for creators to share their terrible, horrible, no good, very bad date stories. The result was overwhelming, and very funny. The contest saw hundreds of submissions, nearly 200 of which were published, and all of which were absolute nightmares.

This year, as a Valentine's Day treat, I decided to go through and collect the most horrifying, hilarious stories that our creators (and some Vocal employees, but I won't disclose which ones) submitted to that contest. These aren't your run of the mill bad meetups—he was shorter than he said in his profile, or we couldn't get a conversation going. No, get ready for a lot of inexplicable fetishes, visceral humiliation, and so, so many different bodily fluids. Way too many bodily fluids. And not to worry, hopeless romantics—more than one (!) of the stories involving excrement somehow ended in marriage. Truly wild.

Give them a read, leave a tip for any creator you have serious secondhand embarrassment for, or share the story of your own worst date to see how it stacks up.

If you're not already a creator, you can sign up here to get started.

You can explore the entire #MyWorstDate contest collection on Humans, our community for love and relationships.

"She didn’t laugh. Not even a chuckle. Instead, she demanded to know what had happened to my pants." —James Tilton

"There was a photo on his nightstand. A photo of him... and my aunt." —Lilliana Backman

"I ordered water, not wanting to have any alcohol in my system when he decided to kidnap me."—Jessica Blake

"Dude with the pink hair… I just want to say, thank you. Thank you for eventually taking off your hat."—Kristy Loxton

"I cut her off with a wave of my hand and took two steps away from her, turned and expelled 2 beers and some partially digested potato salad in front of the shoe store doorway." —Marty K

"I was tripping hard. I imagined being in the restroom of some abandoned house. This turned out to be in the corner of his bedroom on the floor. I took to a squatting position."—Dr. Patients

"I'd like to tell you that my passion for recycling was extensive enough to recycle a condom, but it's not." —Opal O'Malley

"I figured I would go through with it for the story alone... my roommates and I spent many a Sunday morning sharing tales of the weekend, and this one kept getting funnier." —Beckee Wheel

"Remember when I, very quietly, asked him not to be weird? He definitely was."—Zey Ayd

"Silly as I was, I obliged, closing my eyes and parting my lips slightly, waiting for his kiss. Moments later, I thought I felt a dog's tongue on my face." —Onismus Jameson

"I swear, I saw other students turn and run in the opposite direction at the sight of him, but there he was… my date." —Madison Mackenzie

"Laying in bed that night, I thought of our impending date, the whole idea of which made me want to flee the country." —Serene Meadow

"Often, beer or no beer, when one flushes a toilet, the water should descend! Here, it was rapidly approaching the top." —Paul Forshtay

"For the second time within ten minutes, the thought this is how I die! crosses my mind. I’m thinking, OH MY GOSH, HE HAS A GUN!" —Rena Clair

"I sat there for a few seconds, reached for my wig and blurted out, “I gotta be me!” I ripped the rug off my head and instantly regretted it when I saw the look on his face." —Nancy Fingerhood

"When I came to and realized what just happened, I was startled, standing naked in her room, looking around frantically trying to explain what had just occurred." —Robert Langdon

"The next day I got a very long message from her profile, even though I am positive it was him, apologizing profusely, telling me I was an amazing specimen." —M.G. Kynne

"The conversation was going just fine — until he decided it was “relevant” to tell me about an affair with a married woman he was still “getting over.”— Suzannah Weiss

"Before I could speak I turned to him and saw he had a guilty, panicked face on him. The cops turned to us since we were the only ones at the door, and started heading our direction." —Michelle HR

"I had my fair share of bad dates. There were some real doozies. I think the one that stands out, though, is the one my friends and I still refer to as 'Mr. Crashes Through Houses.'"—Amy Doodle

"Never ignore the warning signs and almost never date anyone when you don’t love yourself first, because you will date a guy that blows his nose on dirty jizz socks." —Marion Pelote

"There were no other bathrooms in his small house. I was screwed. So I did the unthinkable." —Chelsea B. Kendrick

"My apartment began to fill with the smell of dried anchovy, but then something else too…"—Nicholas Brown

"When he arrived, he walked straight towards me, casually sat down, folded his arms, and stared right at my breasts. Without any eye contact his first words were, 'Nice titty balls.'" —Kay Britt

"I checked and double-checked my phone, secretly praying that my mom had frantically texted me, demanding that I come home immediately." —Caitlyn Siehl

"I drove back to campus and sat in my best friend's lofted bed and screamed in exasperation about how sexually frustrated I was—I believe my exact words were, 'I was blue-balled by Norman Bates.'" —Jen Williams

"Sometimes, I had this move that (I thought) gave me mysterious sex-appeal to the likes of Tom Selleck or the guy from Fifty Shades of Grey, but it probably landed wildly far off from that." —Eric Green

"I've been on a date recently where I ended up in the ER. And the date I'm about to tell you all was worse than going to the ER. Does that make sense?

Worse than the ER.

I'd rather go back to the ER than repeat this date." —Mattie Woodside