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You were never a real person.

The things I hate about loving a narcissist.

By Jaded Savior BlogPublished 2 years ago 5 min read
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Photo by lilartsy: https://www.pexels.com/photo/couple-of-hands-2838506/

Time and educating myself... that is what made me see the illusion. That is what actually saved me from the traumatic experience that was our fake relationship.

You... were an illusion.

A fabrication I weaved together with all the wounded parts of myself in order to feel like I finally found love and was safe to be myself.

I was authentic and you were not.

The illusion of you being there when I needed it, of you being so funny and magnetizing... the way you knew what to say, what to do, and how to charm me into the deep devotion I gave you.

I worshiped our relationship for YEARS. But the truth is, I was only in love in the beginning. What mad me stay loving you for actual years was the IDEA of you. The POTENTIAL I saw in you.

I constantly overlooked red flags and flaws because I saw you as someone who was special and deserving of so much love. I intuitively felt like you needed all of my compassion, kindness, patience, and hugs. I felt like you really needed my absolute attention, dedication, and loyalty. Both in your best moments and your worst, when you were moody or treated me wrong, or when you acted out but then licked my wounds after.

You did that a lot. More times than I caught on to while I was still with you.

You wounded me and then kissed it better with empty promises.

You told me one thing though, while doing another.

You said you were one thing, while you were another.

You had a lot of friends and family around to vouch for you. To tell special stories about your cute achievements and attempts to be caring for others... So many stories about how you were brave, considerate, and "there at the right time". How special you were.

So I thought "wow, someone special loves ME."

You built this image up of our relationship, but you never built me up.

You let everyone else think you were supportive, loving, and considerate.

You were.

Always considerate to leave your phone in the car, and shut off, to give me your undivided attention.

Always caring to point out what I could do better on or try harder at. Wow, just looking out for me and encouraging me to be better... for you.

Always loving to talk... about our future, about what I would like to happen, about what I imagine for us...

But I remember now what you would say when it was your turn and you had the mic.

I remember when you described the life on the road... the adventures.. the car even that you wanted...

How come your stories and mine never matched up, but you told the next person I was crazy? That I wanted what you didn't? That I was desperate for love and you tried to make me happy, "but ultimately it was just a bad match"?

The car, the road trips, the adventures.. quite literally were built for ONE...

I had this picture in my head of how it would all go because you were always chiming in with support of my sentences, while telling those friends and family I was moving too fast and wanting too much.

I see you happy now years later. I see YOU. Not the illusion.

But I also see the quiet and nearly invisible to the eye patterns.

I see the patterns now even though I did not see them then.

You write comments that others will find appealing, but the person they are meant for will find confusing OR hopeful.. because it means you are "trying" and "keeping your promise to pay more attention to them". Maybe it means you are keeping your promise to not text anyone else.

I see the patterns... family and friends swarming to tag, like, and follow on socials...they did that to me up until you snapped your fingers and I wasn't invited anymore to holidays... then unfollowed and unliked...

It is going to keep being the next persons turn to be worshiped, until they aren't.

Six ex's of yours contacted me during our time and countless people messaged me with screenshots.

I have patterns too that I now see.

I believed all those people when they told me who you were beneath the illusion, but I mislabeled you as suffering.. not abusive.

I misjudged...

But my patterns run even deeper than that because you were not the first illusion to break my heart and mind. I was already counting on a second hand when I met you. The first two fingers were taken up by my first loves, long before you.

I fall in love with potential and illusions that are made by my own desire to be love and accepted. Whatever hobbies, likes, loves, and joys I had, you just presented them to me to earn my affection and then later you ridiculed me for them.

My art was amazing and then later I was talentless and delusional.

My chatty, bubbly demeanor was so cute and charming until later I was childish and annoying.

My love for vintage pinup and tattoo art was so edgy and you loved to give me gifts that reflected that aesthetic. The one you later said to your family was so trashy behind my back, so I could obsess over it in front of them and look like absolute trash. So they could point out the mismatch... and catch my flaws more easily...

I thought I terribly missed you for a while. When it was a random tuesday that you ended our future with a simple, dry text. An "I found better" that you knew would get me to see I was in fact trash and you were in fact never going to come back.

But it did not stop me from texting in such a "CRAZZZZY" fashion. Gosh, 10 missed calls. Voicemails. Texts. Rants. Wow, I was so crazy huh...

Good thing your next perfect match was there to see the messages and realize they were so lucky to be yours... and to save you... from me.

I loved an illusion for four years and I "let myself" be abused.

The thing that makes a narcissist so difficult to CATCH and avoid...

It's that they are not a real person. But a damn good-looking mannequin that makes you rush inside the store.

Dressed up in exactly what you love and staged there for you to find at exactly the right time.

- - - - - -

Photo by Tim Douglas : https://www.pexels.com/photo/mannequin-in-elegant-outerwear-in-showcase-6567255/

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About the Creator

Jaded Savior Blog

Mental Health Blogger, Content Creator, and Creative Writer. I write about trauma, mental health, and identity. I love to connect with and support other Trauma survivors + Neurodivergent Creators! (@neurodivergentrising on Tiktok)

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