You’re Not Broken if You’re Bad at Being a Robot

My juices flow in chaotic waves… yes I said it, ladies.⠀

This post is a throwback to college in 2018. Back then, I was trying to fit into a system where your creative juices had to flow in predictable, stable ways. Consistency, discipline, rigidity, deadlines, points, rankings... In this system, my juice flow was not setting me up for a happy life.⠀

Why not? ⠀

Because I’m the type of person who can truly do a week of work in an hour. But it has to be on my terms, on my schedule.

The creative flow might start tomorrow. It might start two temporal weeks from now. And I’m not able to predict it nor choose it, actually.

You could say, the juice chooses me whenever it pleases. ⠀

I think it’s pretty spectacular now, but for most of my adult life, I was being diagnosed with mental disorders.

Over years of therapy, I developed a thorough intellectual understanding of my childhood trauma. I came to understand why I was the way I was, and the way I was, was all sorts of fucked up.

I didn’t fit into the system as my natural self, but I was trying extra hard anyway.

This made me exhausted and depressed as hell. For every week I made it through school, I needed 2–3 hours of therapy. ⠀

But, I was good enough at it. From grade school to undergrad, I achieved plenty of achievements, and people praised me for working so hard to achieve my achievements. Yay!

My authentic creativity, however, never got to be more than play time.

I avoided considering myself “one of those people who gets to be creative.” I was so good at squeezing into the System that my best path seemed to be continuing to squeeze into it, and maybe adding a bit of personality to my contortionist act on occasion.

After so much mental health turmoil, it seemed logical for me to apply to graduate school for a Master’s degree and become a therapist, myself. 5 years of therapy as a client had to count for something.

I got accepted and started school, but at some point, I had to be real with myself.

Why was I in school to learn how to help people by categorizing their experiences and emotions into diagnoses and treatment plans? ⠀

I was depressed because my superpowers were diagnosed as disorders.⠀

I was emotionally unstable because I could never tell which parts of me were “allowed.” ⠀

And, I began genuinely enjoying life for the first time when I decided to Trust that there is nothing wrong with me.

I’m not broken because I suck at being a robot. I‘m allowed to live life in a way that feels good to me.

If I Persist, I’m on Brand.

I’m not in school anymore. I’ve been through enough bullshit to write a million psychology textbooks. I got so mentally fucked up that my most viable career options now are self-help author and standup comedian.

So guess what?

I’m writing a book!

When’s it gonna be done? I don’t know! The juice chooses me when it pleases, remember?

But it’s cookin’ alright. When I’m in the flow, thousands of words come out like they’re being channeled from a higher dimension. I live my life prioritizing how I feel, and as a result, my creative flow is abundant.

I’ve “achieved” plenty, but this is the first time I feel like I’m creating something beautiful. It’s bliss. And my book will be ready soon, because I can’t wait to share it with the world.

When it’s time, I will.

I won’t put a deadline on it; it would be against the message of the book if I didn’t write it the way I’m meant to. I’m living by my truth now, after all.

Even though I don’t have a master’s degree in therapizing, I still want to help people. If you can relate to my experience, I want to connect and help you move forward. But, I don’t want to treat you like you’re diseased.

I’d rather diagnose your superpowers so you can start enjoying your time alive. Not whenever you reach your latest goal or, ahem, benchmark of outside validation. Not when you’ve “healed enough,” either.

No more waiting.

You are whole now.

You can be proud of yourself.

You can be happy.

Right. Now.

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Follow me on Instagram, where much of my flow’s been lately. ✌️

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