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You'd Be None the Wiser

Living with mental illness in a world that refuses to hear it

By Renee AntoniaPublished 7 years ago 3 min read
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It's the empty pit that lies between my stomach and chest. It's the short, inconsistent breaths that keep me feeling as if I'm drowning on dry land. It's the voices in my head repeating the same insults day in and day out. It's the way I can't look in a mirror without hiding the pieces of myself that I hate. It's the crying that happens when no one is looking. It's the incoherent screams for the pain to go away. It's anxiety.

I look normal. I don't show the "tell tale" signs of someone who suffers from a mental illness. I don't wear excessively baggy clothes or have unkempt hair. I smile more times a day than you can count. I am, based on my appearance, normal. Yet, my head tells a different story.

Some nights, I stay up recounting every bad decision I have ever made. Sometimes I cry until every emotion drains from my body. Sometimes my heart beats so fast that I have to convince myself that I am not dying. Some days, I feel so crazy that a psych ward feels more fitting for a home than my house itself.

And, yes. I know that all of my fears are irrational, and that my biggest enemy is my mind. I know that I just have to be strong and "get over" it. I know that the more I talk about it the more I become it. I know everything someone needs to know about anxiety.

But, that doesn't make the anxiety any less painful.

So, when I say that I am feeling okay, know that I am not. When I say that I am tired, know that I mean my mind is exhausted from running through every worst case scenario that can possibly happen. When I say that I feel normal, know that I mean I feel lost and different and scared. Lastly, know that when you see me smiling and living my life like there is no care in the world, it’s because I’ve learned to hide the part of me that other people are too afraid to see.

I am, by all appearances, a normal girl, and you will never care to know otherwise.

We live in a society today where hiding your mental illness within the confines of your room is more acceptable that speaking about it to anyone. There is this stigma around mental illness that forces people into this small box that they can only escape from once they realize that it should not be a topic in any sort of discussion.

You're feeling hopeless and alone? Deal with it by yourself, because you don't want to bring anyone else down with you.

Your anxiety is high today? Have you ever considered that maybe it is so high because you always think about it, just get over it.

You're still dwelling on that one time that one really horrible thing happened to you? Maybe if you didn't bring it up so much you wouldn't think about it all the time.

Mental illness is looked at as a flaw in human nature, but it isn't. Mental illness IS human nature. It is human to have these imperfections, it's probably even more human than not having any at all. The minute we decide to shut ourselves and other people up about the perfectly imperfectness of mental illness, is the minute we decide to let our own ignorance take over our world.

So, listen. It doesn't take much to hear someone out when they talk about their anxiety or depression or bipolar. It takes even less to support them as they fight their way out of the tiny box that society has forced them in. We're not asking for a lot, just a little compassion and sympathy, because at the end of the day, aren't we all just imperfectly perfect humans.

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About the Creator

Renee Antonia

Hey There! I am an independent author who loves to write about the real issues that we, as humans, face. I try to use my voice as a reminder to talk about the not-so-pretty parts of being a human being.

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