You can't break me

by Yasmin Hughes 6 months ago in recovery

so stop trying

You can't break me

I have had the week from hell.

I know it's a supermoon and pluto is in retrograde, which means we are supposed to be dealing with the issues that we've been burying, but can we not just leave my issues buried please? I am tired.

I didn't want to confront my fear of abandonment when my best friend announced she wouldn't be moving in with me and we got into an argument. I didn't want to have to deal with her telling me we couldn't be friends anymore but I did deal with it. I'll never admit to her how much it hurt me, but it did hurt.

My fear of the dark came up too when the past came cascading out of me like someone had opened the floodgates. I ended up telling my parents about how I was raped and now I can't stand sleeping in the dark and it's so hard for me to sleep next to the people I'm intimate with. In fact, I try so bloody hard but most of the time I can't do it. I didn't want to deal with it but (after vomiting my guts up) I did.

I finally managed to tell my parents about my PTSD diagnosis and they were actually able to understand why.

I didn't want to deal with the fact that my ex had an affair for most of our relationship. I was confronted by this on Monday when a woman messaged me out of the blue on Facebook after her sister had attempted suicide because their three year long affair had come to an end. THREE YEARS! I was only with him for six years! I didn't want to deal with it but I did.

I did manage to come out of the closet too though! I finally came out to my parents as bisexual. Surprisingly, that wasn't the biggest announcement that day so they weren't really that shocked. As I referenced the first ever relationship I had with a woman ten years ago, they couldn't really do the "Maybe it's a phase" thing that most other people have to go through.

I really wasn't ready to talk about my own suicide attempts with this guy that I really like. But when he said about his ex threatening suicide if he left her I thought it was better for me to admit it now than get attached to him and have him say he couldn't handle it. Did I mention I had abandonment issues? I was honest though.

I had to quit university when my dad commit suicide in 2014. I have finally managed to deal with those issues and I'm in the process of reapplying. I am being brave. For years afterwards, the thought of university made me feel sick. I couldn't even stomach talking about it and now I am looking at where I want to go and filling out my application. Progress!

I have spent the past couple of days in this massive depressed downward spiral. All I want to do is sleep and be left alone. Everyone has left. I am constantly being betrayed and abandoned and quite frankly I am terrified. Getting close to people scares me. Change scares me. Trusting people scares me. Losing people scares me.

I am scared and I am a mess most of the time. I struggle with a hell of a lot. I have been through a hell of a lot and I have my issues. But you can't break me. This pluto retrograde can suck it. I have no more secrets and nothing to hide. You can't take any more from me than what I have already lost.

Yasmin Hughes
Yasmin Hughes
Read next: Never In the Cover of Night
Yasmin Hughes

I’m far from perfect, I’m ever evolving and so is my writing.

See all posts by Yasmin Hughes