You are more than just a Depression
What life awaits you beyond this dark curtain covering the light?
DEPRESSION MOOD to Major Depressive Disorder
In this modern world, we always hear about this mental disorder that hinders one's ability to be productive in daily functioning. It makes a person fail to appreciate life. It causes him/her to feel guilty, dissatisfied, anxious and hopeless. It's never easy to face depression. There are number of reasons why people with depression may resist seeking for help.
I would like to share my experience and reflections about this symptom of mood disorder that I want to call as an "unspoken epidemic". That's not because it hasn't been talked about, but because it hasn't given more attentions as other diseases has. In truth, many people die from suicidal due to depression.
I wasn't clinically diagnosed with this because I thought I was the only one feeling that way. I was so defensive either. That's why I didn't easily recognize what I was facing. Hence, I, soon, admit it was depression. That's when I realize that its symptoms are exactly what I was encountering.
With this, I would like to remind those people facing this disorder that you are not alone. Life doesn't stop with a depression, no matter how worst you feel about it. Depression isn't anyone's fault, it is a disease. And, we need to be aware that mental health is as important as is physical health. In fact, your mind is the commander of your body.
So, please strive for the amazing world that awaits you when you overcome this mental disease. I don't want to be whiny about his, but I want to remind you that I understand how it feels. You are not alone. Actually, I listed few things below that you might be able to relate to your experience.
HAVE YOU EVER FELT THESE BEFORE?
I felt unworthy that I even asked my self, "What the hell am I doing on this planet?" I felt like nobody cares if I am existing or not, but at the same time, I didn't want people to notice me either. It's so weird like I didn't want the world to ignore me, but I didn't want to show up too.
Yet, it seems like there's something in me that doesn't want to stay being negative. I know that I don't wanna keep having a feeling of being unworthy. I grew up with a mindset of like fighting against all the odds. So, although I am already losing hope, I still tried so hard to believe that something in the future is today worth-fighting for.
Guilt / Self-Pity
This disorder had also brought me a feeling of blaming myself. I didn't expect that I would have this thinking. I was the bravest and the strongest among all of my friends. Well, that was what others kept on telling me before. But then, I felt like all my actions from the past were all a piece of sh**; when the truth is, I only couldn't see the worth of my past.
Self-doubt causes lack of confidence in oneself. It was something I suffered but I didn't know about it. All I know was I fell down the hell of guilt and self-pity to myself, thus all my focus was in the negative side. It took months before I realize that it's okay not to be okay. It took too long for me to accept the nature of humanity which is to do mistakes in life.
This feeling is the most common sign of depression. We are blinded with negativity when anxiety hits us. It has always been associated with a terrible fear. It is when we are scared of bad things to happen which leads to panic disorder. To avoid the fear, we either refuse to do the things we wanted, or rush up. We rush defensively, and end up being hopeless to whatever we cannot get immediately. After that, we start doubting if we can still ever get that. Then, we worry about the future.
I lost calmness. I was so used to have that sense of urgency probably because of my experiences from my previous jobs. I considered it as the main factor that made me rush things to work on my favor. Little did I know, anxiety was the reason for it took my mindset and it gave me so much pressure about things I want in life.
So I'm telling you all, "Either too much worries about the future or overthinking about the past can steal us away from the wonderful opportunities the present has to offer." Save the day. Live in the moment.
I decided not to work for one year. I could tell that it was my chance to take vacation in my life, and time to understand the meaning of life as well. Also, it could be the chance to look for whatever purpose I have on earth. Meanwhile, it seems that depression didn't left me. It had took same year of my life with anxiety, guilt, feeling of worthlessness, self-pity and stuffs.
After that whole year round, I felt exhausted about the audacity that life was throwing me. By that time, I realized that I was too socially-distant from people I knew before. So, I went for a vacation with my group of friends whom I never been with for a long time. With them, I realized my old perspective. Our companionship was like saying "Happiness is a choice.", so I just have to go with the flow. I entertained myself with some activities that seems new and interesting to me. I started to explore again, though there were times that overthinking was still getting into the scene.
The world started to bright up again to me. I established a brave mindset to fight all the difficulties and uncertainties. I gave more love and care to myself which I always forget whenever high standard of life is pressuring me. Yoga also helped me to fight stress and anxiety. Time to time, I started to see the path again.
I can say that everything should start inside you. You are the masterpiece of your life. As long as you have a life to live, there's nothing to worry about. Life goes on. Keep fighting whatever you are facing in the dark, until you see the light again. I remember the song Rainbow by South Border. The song says...
Even if there is pain now . Everything would be all right . For as long as the world still turns , there will be night and day . Can you hear me? There's a rainbow always after the rain.
There are many things I learned from facing depression; new skills, new knowledges, new perspective. Maybe that's the growth? Now, it's starting to make sense. Along the way, I met a lot of people who taught me how wonderful life is. I remember one of them told me, "You are too precious to be depressed, YOU ARE MORE THAN JUST A DEPRESSION."