Yesterday’s Anxiety

On one the luckiest days of the year was March 17, 2020 as I was whisked away from my job. We were told to stay home until further notice. Of course I was happy because I didn’t have to get dressed and I felt it was similar to paid time off. Well all money isn’t good money.

During my stay at home I watched news reports, sheltered in place, and began to feel heavy anxiety. I was so worried. I couldn’t Uber, I couldn’t go visit friends or family, I just sheltered in place.

With in two weeks I was nuts. I held my 16 year old twin boys in the house, threatened my husband that I was going to a hotel if our 24 year old daughter went out, and I eventually had to call a therapist (per my husband request). Thank God for him!!!!

Eventually, we were told we would not return to the building and we began remote learning. The day I took the photo above I dropped by the school to get pertinent items. I was elated to see Ms. Hazel one of the nicest cafeteria chefs. As you can see, we were enamored with each other’s presence. We actually hugged, dropped masks, and just wanted normalcy for a few stolen moments. I do not understand how to return in a mask.

Since Illinois has opened up and we are a month and a half away from opening school again, my anxiety has risen tremendously.

Yesterday, I had another fit. I swore to my husband and children that “I REFUSE to return to work with a mask on.” My great friend LaShree and my husband eventually calmed me down.

Even though I feel better today, I literally can feel anxiety in my throat and chest. I feel suffocated at the thought of walking around a classroom with half of my face covered.

I do not wear jewelry or purses. I feel squimish when anything touches me. I only wear clothing outside and strip as soon as I walk in my bedroom.Therefore, I can’t PHANTOM a mask on my face.

Moreover, how will I keep my students socially distant? How many times will I have to remind them to stay separated? How will I teach 8th grade students anything and I’m full of anxiety?

We were told that we will have to keep the same students all day. I have two endorsements. I’m only allowed to teach English Language Arts (ELA) and Social Studies. I haven’t a clue about anything else including and not limited to; teaching properly for the 20-21 school year.

Please send me light and love or a tip so maybe I can just be a stay at home mom.