Why women simply don’t “just leave”

Firstly, we need to understand the cycle of abuse and how abusers work. It’s actually quite shocking how different yet strikingly similar all cases of Domestic Violence are.

Statistics in the US state 1 out of 3 women and 1 out of 4 men will experience a violent partner at some point during their lifetime (ncadv.org). UK statistics tell us 1 out of 4 women and 1 out of 6 men will experience domestic violence during their lifetime (lwa.org.uk). With this meeting the criteria to be deemed an pandemic and other countries having as prolific numbers, we need a better understanding of Domestic Abuse.

The Profile Of An Abuser

Abusers often have very similar personalities, behaviours, histories and mental illness’. It’s often a concotion of all these factors that create ‘an abuser’.

Studies suggest many abusers grew up experiencing Domestic Abuse first hand. The normalisation and desensitisation to abuse can lead children to carry similar behaviours into their adult lives. When violence, whether it be verbal or physical, is present within a child’s upbringing a large array of mental health issues, substance abuse issues and health issues can arise in adulthood.

There is often an underlying mental illness that influences an abusers thought process, behavioural pattern and ability to empathise with other people. The general consensus is that most abusers suffer with personality disorders. What are they? They are disorders that effect a persons behaviour, thoughts and treatment of others. And in researching the most prevelant type found amongst specifically abusive men, one thing just kept popping up..

..Antisocial Personality Disorder. A disorder affecting huge names such as Ted Bundy, Ian Brady and even Jeffree Dahmer.

The main signs of antisocial personality disorder are:

- To exploit, manipulate and disregard the rights, feelings and boundaries of others.

- A disregard, absence of remorse or empathy for other peoples distress.

- Irresponsible and socially unacceptable behaviour. Often erratic and unpredictable.

- Have difficulty sustaining long-term, healthy relationships.

- Frequent run ins with the law. Most will have criminal records.

- Inability to control ones anger.

- Blame their behaviour, problems and actions on others.

- Lack the remorse or guilt to change or prevent their behaviour.

When I read this it was like I was reading a description of my own abuser. And there are also very close links to between this disorder, psychopathy and narcissism. Abusers abuse people simply because they can. They can reap the benefits of complete control over a person, their finances, social life and future. It’s a power trip. An abuser simply doesn’t feel empathy in regards to the consequences of their behaviour. Therefor despite any therapy or promises of change, you can never really trust that they will change their behaviour.

There is also a lot of evidence to suggest abusers are often pathological liars. Despite the restrictions put on a partner or spouse, many abusers consistently cheat and even lie about their lives. A double standard is firmly in place when in an abusive relationship. Abusers will often lie about affairs, money, drug/alcohol habits and just about anything they want to lie about. This is especially difficult when one is searching for signs of change and/or rehabilitation in their abuser.

The Cycle Of Abuse

The Cycle Of Abuser is absolutely crucial in understanding the complex relationship between an abuser and their victim. “The cycle of abuse is a social cycle theory developed in 1979 by Lenore E. Walker to explain patterns of behavior in an abusive relationship”.

The first of the cycle being ‘Tensions Building’, can last anywhere between minutes, weeks and even months/years. This is where the term ‘walking on eggshells’ can be applied perfectly in context. Abusers begin to heat up, with victims usually sensing a brewing of negativity accumulating within the relationship. An abuser may be paranoid, argumentative, patronising and difficult to approach. Often victims will try and placate their abusers. And slowly the control starts to build simply because the victim is catering to their abuser to prevent abuse. A clear power dynamic begins to strengthen and this in itself can be deemed as emotional/verbal abuse/coercive and controlling behaviour.

The next stage is the ‘incident of abuse’. This is where the abuser vents all of the anger building during the ‘Tensions Building’ stage. Victims are often subject to violence, threats, verbal abuse, emotional abuse and coercive and controlling behaviour. The pent up anger boils over, and the livelihood of the victim is at its most threatened during this outburst. There are no limits as to how long this stage can last. An attack can last seconds, minutes, hours, days or even weeks. However the next stage usually succeeds this stage quicker during the earlier stages of the relationship.

Reconciliation is the next stage. At this point, abusers have recognised the disequilibrium. Either opting to shower their victim in attention, apology, emotional manipulation or flat out deny and trivialise the abuse. Either way, abusers usually gaslight their victims when upset or angry about the abuse. “I didn’t mean to hit you, it wasn’t that hard I just lost my temper”, “that never happened, I would never do that, you’re confused”, “I’m so sorry, I’ve been dealing with some issues at work, I will never take it out on you again”. Often, abusers will also condition victims to believe their behaviour was the cause of the abuse. Meaning victims see themselves as the problem and not the abuser. So leaving the relationship seems impossible, as they believe they’re the problem and nobody else will want to deal with them.

Finally, we have the ‘calm’ stage. Often also called the ‘honeymoon stage’. This is when the relationship goes through a happy period, because the abuser chooses it to be. Abusers know they must be kind and loving after the incident stage just to squash any doubts the victim has about them or the relationship. Everything will be almost perfect, as the abuser gives their victim a taste of “this is how good we could really be, if you behaved and didn’t set me off”.

I’d urge you to consider researching the cycle of abuse in more detail, as it can be applicable to familial relationships and even friendships.

Types Of Abuse

Now we can look into the main forms of abuse perpetuated in relationships.

- Physical violence, probably the most well known and recognised signs of Domestic Abuse. This is characterised by punching, kicking, scratching, strangling, slapping, pulling hair, hitting your partner with objects, throwing objects, pinching, spitting on your partner and any other actions that threaten your partners physical health and threatens injury. I won’t go into anymore detail other than to state if your partner has ever done any of these things, or deliberately harmed you physically, then it IS physical abuse.

- Sexual abuse is when your partner abuses you sexually. This could mean rape, sexual assault, sexual coercion, unwanted sexual comments and just about anything regarding your body or yourself that’s unwarranted, unwanted and sexual. I will not go into any graphic detail, but there are many amazing sources out there that explain sexual abuse and can guide you towards recourses and advice.

- Financial Abuse is when your partner controls your finances, monitors your spending, uses property and/or financial circumstances to coerce you into doing what they want you to do. Eg having control over your bank and ingoings, deciding what you can and can’t spend and on what. Stealing money and leaving you in debt and arrears also constitutes financial abuse. This is a very controlling form of abuse that often leaves victims with no choice but to stay with their abuser in order to avoid crisis’ such as homelessness.

-Emotional Abuse encompasses a lot. And there is a lot to unpack. Firstly, abusers gaslight their victims. Leaving victims doubting themselves and their own minds. Eg “I told you I was going out tonight 3 times this week, are you losing your memory? You can’t keep doing this to me. It’s like you hate me going out” when they never even mentioned it once. Emotional abuse also encompasses the isolation of a victim, in which the abuser will push away friends and family to strengthen the control they have over their victim. This could be done through convincing a victim their friends are bad for them, instigating arguments and moving a victim away from friends and family. This leaves a victim with little to no support and is often when people start asking the “Why doesn’t she just leave” question. Abusers also threaten to harm, expose and/or blackmail their victims, threatening to release private details publicly or to important people in order to get a victim to do what they want. They also can threaten the victim with death, violence and the destruction of property.

- Verbal abuse covers a wide range of manipulative, insulting and threatening speech an abuser uses to control their victim. Eventually, verbal abuse erodes the confidence and self esteem of a victim. Constant put downs and intertwined emotional abuse alone are enough to start instilling significant amounts of trauma within a victims mind. Verbal abuse and Emotional abuse go hand in hand are often present before Financial and/or Physical violence.

“...So why won’t she just leave?”

So now we understand the cycle of abuse, the profile of an abuser and the different forms of abuse, we can better address this question.

With victims often being financially dependent on their abusers, not in control of their own finances, isolated or far away from friends and family, robbed of their self esteem and confidence; it’s easy to understand why people don’t just leave.

With the honeymoon period, the dependence on an abuser for affirmation and believing themselves to be the problem, victims simply don’t realise the severity of the situation. Just as a victim has had enough, the abuser will turn the charm back on. As soon as a victim feels confident their abuser gaslights, verbally abuses them and reminds them why they aren’t good enough.

People underestimate the complexity and efficient dynamic of abusive relationships. Victims often do not know how to function without the abuse, not to mention despite their awful treatment they do actually love their abuser. It’s how they became to be in the abusive relationship to began with. So before you ask this question, before you second guess the severity of abuse because of the length of time a victim stayed, revert back to this article. In understanding, we prevail in becoming better.

-Leah

Sources and information:

https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/

https://www.met.police.uk/advice/advice-and-information/daa/domestic-abuse/what-is-domestic-abuse/

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/antisocial-personality-disorder/

https://www.talkspace.com/blog/cycle-of-abuse-domestic-violence/