Why truly saying what you mean is something almost no one can do....

Clara bit back the tears she felt stinging her eyes..... her stepdad had yelled at her again, because she had made her friend wait for her while she washed her hair. It’s not that her friend actually minded the wait... but as far as Clara’s stepdad was concerned this particular bit of thoughtlessness warranted him addressing his daughter with the epithets “slut” and “whore”. It was a fact that Clara and her friend were going to meet some boys from their class at school... and Clara had been disinclined to do so with greasy hair, but they were going to be looking over a class project.... and they were 12...

OVER THE TOP

Why did Clara’s stepdad use such dramatic language? There probably isn’t anything worse that using sexual shaming language against a woman, against anyone ... but particularly brutal for a young girl to hear... from her own father figure who had been the only dad she had known from the age of two, when she had done nothing more than caused a minor inconvenience to a friend. Sexual behaviour didn’t even come into it! One can only speculate and though that language can never be excused... maybe her stepdad didn’t like to think of his “little girl” as being a sexual being. Even though that was not what was happening ....Just the very fact that boys were in the mix and to his mind she was indulging her vanity .. making herself look nice. One could only assume that these MAY have been some of the thoughts in his head. None of this speculation helped Clara though...not that she comprehended what had just happened. Her friend was mortally embarrassed, but as she was sitting out of sight... she thought that Clara’s stepdad could not possibly have been aware she was still there... she felt a rush of compassion towards her friend. She really didn’t mind waiting at all! She wondered if Clara’s furtiveness, that she had witnessed from time to time... was down to avoiding that kind of ire.

WORDS CHOSEN TO HURT

Words can be weapons... but they are also inadequate for the task of articulating your thoughts... who knew what In Clara’s behaviour that afternoon triggered such a vile outburst. There wasn’t any doubt her stepdad was angry but there could have been many many other ways he could have handled it. It was a bit inconsiderate of her not to be ready for her friend, but anger, never mind the foul and hurtful tirade was over the top. A little chat about timekeeping and planning ahead was all that was really necessary.

FORGIVE NOT SO EASY TO FORGET

He was the only Dad she had ever known and in most ways he demonstrated he was dedicated to the role of father figure, she felt that she had to forgive him. She did and furthermore she never made her friends wait for her again. So it could be argued that the bombast did its job, not matter how over the top it was.

RESULTS

So the wrong way, the cruel and thoughtless way gets the desired result, this fact is no doubt why people’s verbal cruelty never seems to abate. It’s effective! It lets one take control! Clara never ever forgot the exchange.. was she too “out there”, she wondered even now. She never wanted to feel how she felt that day again. In her adult life she walked away from people who displayed disproportionate anger... who seemed to choose words that were intended to shame and hurt, not giving them any slack, if they spoke to her in a way that far outweighed the wrong she had committed, and Clara prided herself in being able to acknowledge when she had been a complete fool... so she frequently issued apologies... if they weren’t accepted and she was still harangued, she walked and never looked back.

Clara and no doubt countless others, every year lose contact with people who had many other excellent qualities and who were no doubt worth knowing... but who suffered from verbal cruelty... it was the boundary Clara found she could not accept being impinged. The fact that she had done something to cause the attack, did not for her, excuse it. Whatever it was... it was probably misunderstood, provoked in some way and was at the very least apologised for.

CONSTRUCTIVE LANGUAGE

Why people in general find it so hard to use their words constructively, explicitly and in a way that irons out any misunderstandings rather than building upon them? People assume so much, and it seemed to Clara that so many problems arise because people either don’t or are not given the opportunity to clarify how things actually are for them.... and then explain that to others. Clara would have loved to be able to say to her stepdad that her friend had a book to read so she was happy to wait, and that for her having greasy hair gave her spots and headaches, and she had had so much work to prepare that morning.. she didn’t have time to wash her hair earlier. Would that have stopped him from shaming and verbally abusing her. ... Maybe?

Listening, processing, reflecting, clarifying, understanding and de escalation are skills that would serve us all, were we to hone these skills to the highest level.. along with choosing our words with care, not to hurt... life would be so much better for everyone. Clara had long since resolved to try and do this for herself, as it would be better for her and for those who may have cared about her.