Why Learning to Say "I Need You" is a Huge Act of Strength

I don't remember the last time I said, "I need you," out loud to anyone. Perhaps my inner heart whispered it as I tentatively asked if we can go for a coffee, but I caveat my request by saying, "I totally understand if you're busy though." Honestly, I think the last time I said, "I need you," was when I was 20, and even then I can't guarantee that I was even brave enough to say it out loud to the intended recipient.

"I need you," sounds clingy, it sounds codependent; it sounds like weakness. True, sometimes it can and I can't speak for everyone on that. But, it's my guess that the well-intended positive message of the ultra-independent society we live in now has had its repercussions on our ability to be vulnerable and demonstrate this act of strength of saying, "I need you."

Because the truth is, the reality of being a human is that sometimes we will need other people. It might be in the small things when you need someone to grab you a bag of ice at the store before the party. But it can also be in the big things too, like when you feel as though your life is falling apart. Be it either of those things or anything in between, the truth is that as a species, we do need other sometimes - and that's okay.

We struggle to voice our needs in a conversation because as Freud said, there are never just two in a conversation. That is to say, you bring yourself and your whole past with you. The past which we may not be able to consciously touch upon in the moment, but a past where we may have been rejected (one of our most primal fears) and where our needs were unmet.

Thinking back to the bag of ice versus life-falling apart versions of needing someone else, they seem worlds apart. One being very trivial, and one being swathed in hesitation and justification as to why you should just muscle through it alone. True, there are some things it might be preferable for us to go through alone... but more often, telling yourself you have to muscle through alone stems more from a fear of being let down.

The fear that you might be at your most vulnerable, asking for help and that the other person may look at you in disgust, reject you and chastise you for being such a weak infant-like human. That's ultimately what stops me anyway.

As I look back, there are so many times where I wish I could have been brave enough to say, "I need you." Sure, I learned to deal on my own, but that came at the cost of denying anyone the chance to ever help me. I'll hazard a guess and also say that confiding in someone and telling them I needed them probably would've helped me figure out my issues way faster too. I guess what I'm trying to say is, if you're in a dilemma of not knowing whether you can say, "I need you" to someone, you're actually in a very beautiful and privileged position.

Why? It shows that there are other people there for you. With the recent events of the world (pandemic, unstable economies, war etc.), there are so many people who won't be able to say "I need you" to their loved ones anymore. Sadly, their loved ones also won't be able to say it back because there were forces outside their control that robbed them of that chance at the last moment.

There are so many choices in life that don't get made for us and that can be a very heavy burden to bear. Whether it's the early loss of a parent, an unexpected medical diagnosis, your entire world being put into a whirlwind through unstable politics or a global virus - there are so many things we don't get to choose. The weight of living with any of those things is enough to cripple a person temporarily or indefinitely.

Life can be so lonely sometimes and it will make us feel entirely alone. Carrying the weight of living alone really can push to dark places in our own mind - I understand that. It feels like nobody understands us and that we simply can't do it anymore. Sometimes the consequences of being in such a frame of mind for too long can tragically lead to irreversible consequences to problems that were sadly solvable if only it had been shared.

So, if there's anything I ask of you when you're reading this... Be brave. Allow yourself the chance to simply be a human being - vulnerable, flawed, and struggling. Cast aside your ego, it won't help you here. You might get let down; that person you so wanted to be there for you might not be able to in that moment. But you have a choice to be brave, vulnerable, and human. In that, you might just find yourself proved wrong and whoever it is that you need might turn around and tell you, "I'm here for you."

In those moments, it'll feel like you are being cast a liferaft when you were in fact drowning. You'll be able to breathe again and hopefully have a bit more strength to face the day. You'll also really realize that you are loved unconditionally... I mean, that's all any of us can hope for in this life, isn't it? So, be brave and give that someone the chance to show you that they love you, no matter what form you're currently in.

Thank you for reading.

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