I just had a conversation with a guy I met in my neighborhood recently. You know, just a small conversation as he passed by my place as I was bringing my dog back from taking a major shit. He asks me how I'm doing. I say, "umm ok" and kind of wiggle my head back and forth in a figure 8 as I rack my brain trying to figure out how I'm really doing. I like to be honest you know? But I couldn't find anything to complain about. Things have finally become on the quiet side for me after years worth of what some might call "Depression." Have I been depressed? I guess so. I know I've been sad. There was a lot of crying going on, on the daily. I mean I just found out that my entire family and every friend I have ever had spent the last 40 years thinking something about me that wasn't true. And there was no way possible for me to be able to go back in time and change that. So yea, I have spent the last few years being "depressed." Again I say, "I guess," because when I think about depression I kind of feel like I don't really know the definition to the word. What is depression? Is it a bad thing? Sure I'll tell you I was depressed, but do I have to also agree with others' immediate thoughts saying that it is a bad thing? The stigma that goes along with admitting you're depressed? That something went wrong in your life and now things are bad and that's all a bad thing and now we shall treat you bad and you will be bad and so on? And did I have a good enough reason to be depressed?
This guy just says, "at least we're alive." To which I reply, "Yea I guess." He says, "Well, I've been dead, I died in that accident in December, but it's about always thinking positive." I said, "yea." I kind of just went cerebral as we parted ways. I immediately felt a little guilty that he had way more of a reason to be depressed than I did. But I also don't appreciate people trying to tell me that because their reasons for being depressed are far more life-threatening than mine; that means I don't have a right to wallow in my depression. He means well, but I kind of like being depressed if it means I can delve into a more negative side of life with the intentions of finding joy again. Don't come up to me and try to make me deal with my depression the way you deal with yours. There are things in the negative. Things that could help me heal. I DON'T HAVE TO BE POSITIVE ABOUT EVERYTHING ALL OF THE TIME!! Sorry caps... I mean I don't really think I have been all that depressed. Have I been suicidal? I have thought at times that there was no good reason for me to be alive, but that doesn't mean I would ever take my life. I think suicide is a difficult thing to accomplish and I am too lazy to try and figure out a way that I could kill myself. Oh yea and then there is the whole "I believe in god" thing. I believe that suicide goes against what god has planned for me. So no I have not been suicidal.
So why is it such a bad thing that I have been depressed? Have I been depressed? If so why is that a bad thing? Why can't I be depressed? Why is it that everyone wants to help me get out of the depression before they pay any attention to me? It's like a prerequisite. In fact, it's when everyone does this that I get hurled down into the depths of "depression." It's really sad to me that I get stuck in this cycle of depression because no one wants to hang out with me while I am depressed, but that's what makes me depressed. They stop by and throw me some verbal positive statements that are meant to get me to be more positive but that's it. There are still no real relationships. I'm sorry I'm not suicidal or that I haven't gone through a life-threatening situation like a car accident. What I've gone through is a lifetime of having no real relationships with anyone ever. A relationship that endures sickness and health. A relationship that endures the good as well as THE BAD.
So let me be depressed okay? Maybe that's my way of finding a real relationship. If I need to be more positive in order to communicate with you further, than you're not that relationship. Move along son! I don't have to be different or the same. I'm just being me and I kind of like being depressed. And if I don't want to be depressed anymore than I won't. But no amount of positive affirmations coming from somebody that I am not in a real relationship with can dig me out of this depression. And that is okay. I'm fine with it because I would rather be alone forever than to dismiss my depression in order to accommodate a person who thinks that my depression is a bad thing. Or that it is something that could or should be changed before anyone treats me like I am a real human being. Because apparently real human beings don't get depressed and if they do it should be the number one priority to get that person to snap out of it. Well I'm not gonna snap out of it. I don't want to snap out of it. I don't think it's a bad thing. I think it's normal. If anyone really knew what I have been going through they would understand it. But they don't know and they don't understand that I have a right to be here right now. I have a right to be depressed. I am going to exercise that right. So leave me be if you can't handle or understand it.
Stop trying to be in fake relationships with me. Stop wasting my time. I'm onto you. I know it's okay for me to be depressed. I know that I shouldn't have to give up having relationships just because I am depressed. So everyone stop it with the positive affirmations. Stop it with the "things will get better" and the "look at the bright side." It doesn't help. It hurts. I want someone to finally agree with me, that things suck but it will never tear us apart.