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Why I hate myself

by Annie Curran 2 months ago in coping

Finding out you were the actual disappointment of the family

Hopeful this won’t be too long. I knew I would become a disappointment to my parents eventually. I have two very loving parents who have given me everything, but I have only disappointed them with my negativity. I feel I will never be good enough at anything I want to pursue. I think I can’t retain the knowledge to its depth or retain it quickly. Often, it’s hard even to recall information, explaining and forgetting simple words in a sentence. I always feel there is something wrong with me, that I couldn’t be in a job learning a lot of information because I couldn’t contain it all.

I wish I were as positive as my Dad: he literally got everything coming his way during his life. Experienced so many things and has lived a fulfilled life. I, on the other hand, is not even close to that dream. I’m not even sure what my goal is anymore. I love things sustainable, and I like renewable energy, I struggle to research it. I feel it’s too technical for me; I’m more of a person that learns while doing. It’s been my biggest struggle.

I have a Masters and Bachelors degree and still don’t have a job. I always feel I don’t even have enough skills to get the jobs I want. I don’t feel I have the confidence to get these jobs. I want to be happy in a career I love and have apurpose, but I don’t know what that is. I like writing about how I feel but I never really pursued it, I’m unsure where I can go with it. It’s a risk to go self-employed, you don’t have anything to fall back on. My Dad wants me to do another Masters, all I think about is what my friends will think, and I’m just going to get a 2:2 as I did in my last degree. My Dad will say he will help me, but if I can’t do it personally, why am I even studying it.

My Dad finally had the last straw with me; he’s never sworn at me before. I felt ungrateful for being so negative about this Masters. I just thought I was only going to meet the standards of what I could perform before. I feel hopeless as a human. Why was I created? I’m still unsure. Is there supposed to be a bigger purpose for me? I would like that. I want my parents to be proud of me, but I have nothing to be proud of saying. Just being in debt from university, it's not a proud thing.

I always thought I knew what I wanted to do since I was 16, but as time moved on, the more I developed as a person and the people I became friends, it changed how I felt about life. I realised I wasn’t as smart or confident as I thought I was. I always fell to the back, hiding away, that’s not someone ambitious. That’s someone that wants to hide away from the world.

I want to do great things. I need to figure out how. I also need to mend things with my Dad, but I’m not sure if that can ever happen. Maybe it’s permanently broken now, I hope not, but I can’t say for sure. I’m happy I am writing this, it’s more likely a mess and very confusing.

That’s one thing I need to work on, how to organise a story, so it flows well and is consistent.

I hope this story helps anyone.

coping
Annie Curran
Annie Curran
Read next: Never In the Cover of Night
Annie Curran

Just an amateur writer giving personal experiences and advice about different topics. Writing everything that comes to my mind.

See all posts by Annie Curran

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