Why I hate myself

Hopeful this won’t be too long. I knew I would become a disappointment to my parents eventually. I have two very loving parents who have given me everything, but I have only disappointed them with my negativity. I feel I will never be good enough at anything I want to pursue. I think I can’t retain the knowledge to its depth or retain it quickly. Often, it’s hard even to recall information, explaining and forgetting simple words in a sentence. I always feel there is something wrong with me, that I couldn’t be in a job learning a lot of information because I couldn’t contain it all.

I wish I were as positive as my Dad: he literally got everything coming his way during his life. Experienced so many things and has lived a fulfilled life. I, on the other hand, is not even close to that dream. I’m not even sure what my goal is anymore. I love things sustainable, and I like renewable energy, I struggle to research it. I feel it’s too technical for me; I’m more of a person that learns while doing. It’s been my biggest struggle.

I have a Masters and Bachelors degree and still don’t have a job. I always feel I don’t even have enough skills to get the jobs I want. I don’t feel I have the confidence to get these jobs. I want to be happy in a career I love and have apurpose, but I don’t know what that is. I like writing about how I feel but I never really pursued it, I’m unsure where I can go with it. It’s a risk to go self-employed, you don’t have anything to fall back on. My Dad wants me to do another Masters, all I think about is what my friends will think, and I’m just going to get a 2:2 as I did in my last degree. My Dad will say he will help me, but if I can’t do it personally, why am I even studying it.

My Dad finally had the last straw with me; he’s never sworn at me before. I felt ungrateful for being so negative about this Masters. I just thought I was only going to meet the standards of what I could perform before. I feel hopeless as a human. Why was I created? I’m still unsure. Is there supposed to be a bigger purpose for me? I would like that. I want my parents to be proud of me, but I have nothing to be proud of saying. Just being in debt from university, it's not a proud thing.

I always thought I knew what I wanted to do since I was 16, but as time moved on, the more I developed as a person and the people I became friends, it changed how I felt about life. I realised I wasn’t as smart or confident as I thought I was. I always fell to the back, hiding away, that’s not someone ambitious. That’s someone that wants to hide away from the world.

I want to do great things. I need to figure out how. I also need to mend things with my Dad, but I’m not sure if that can ever happen. Maybe it’s permanently broken now, I hope not, but I can’t say for sure. I’m happy I am writing this, it’s more likely a mess and very confusing.

That’s one thing I need to work on, how to organise a story, so it flows well and is consistent.

I hope this story helps anyone.