Why I am Still Alive

He lays there so peacefully. Every once in a while I can feel him kick his feet or shift our plush comforter, but otherwise he looks like an angel. Besides the consistent snoring, every time he falls asleep before me, I always sit on his side of the bed and hold his face. I talk to him every night. He’s a deep sleeper, so I don’t always whisper. But, I like to put the TV on, just for background noise.

I sat on the floor beside him. He was lightly snoring and his hair laid like a halo on our white, fluffy pillow. I touched his arms and laid my head down on the bed next to his hands. I put my face in his palm and kissed each finger tip.

“You were always so good to me,” I started to whisper. His snoring ceased, so I stopped there before he could wake up. I had so much more to say, but I couldn’t risk him awaking and ruining my plans. But, I decided to stay longer. I waited for him to drift off deeper, while still laying my head in his palm and kissing his fingers. I tried to start again, “You were always so good to me,” I lay my hand on his forehead and move the hair from his eyes and nose, I didn’t want the fan to tickle him awake. “I wish I had the courage to tell this to you while you are awake, but I can’t.” Tears started streaming down my cheeks.

What else could I tell him? How could I possibly explain that him loving me was the worst and best thing to ever happen to me? That he taught me what true compassion feels like. He showed me that people care, and he couldn’t help but show it every second we were together.

“Loving you was the easiest thing I have ever done. Your smile was the first thing I noticed. I saw the chip in your tooth and wondered how it happened. I have a similar one.” My voice cracked, he shifted. I took another break, let him slip deeper into slumber. I couldn’t bear to see his true reaction to my confession.

“But I know that loving me isn’t as easy. I know that I’ve made you cry more times than you’ve made me. I know that you worry about me constantly. I know what it’s like to watch someone you love knowingly destroy themselves. Because we both know that I am aware of my decaying body, my slimming wrists, my jutting hip bones, and how my skin sticks to my bones like glue,” If he had been awake I would have kissed him, so I did while he was sleeping. I could see his beautiful smile spread across his rosy cheeks. I wish he knew what I was trying to say.

“But I love you in a way that destroys me. Not only am I in love with you, but I’m in love with hurting myself. Those are the two love of my lives. But, I can’t be with you and destroy myself. You love me in the purest way, you cry when I can’t get out of bed. But, I can never get out of it myself. You are too pure to carry my weight and your own.” I was crying harder now, but still whispering. Even though he was asleep, I couldn’t bring myself to admit what I needed to. He wouldn’t remember, but it would be my last memory.

“So, I’m going away because I love hurting myself too much. I can’t stop. And because I love you, I won’t let you watch. I want to die and you are the only thing standing in my way and as lovely as that sounds, I can’t stand it. I can’t stand the thought of you finding me. This is your home, you’ve been here for years. I would ruin your sanctuary. You wouldn’t be able to go into our - your - room anymore because you would expect to see me laying on the bed waiting for you. So, I have to leave. I have to leave because nothing but death will make me happy and I won’t ruin your life because I want to ruin mine.” I kissed his forearm and put the palm of my hand on his soft, but still damp hair, “You were always so good to me. If I was a better person I would be able to fight for you, but I can’t anymore. I love you. Please forget me as fast as you can.”

And with that final statement, I woke him. Just for a few moments, he was slipping between reality and dreamworld and I knew he still wouldn’t remember. But, I wanted him to say he loved me back.

“Baby, I’m so sorry. I love you.” I spoke in my normal voice, barely cracking. At this point it had become so easy to conceal any emotion.

He smiled, “Don’t be sorry honey, I love you more than anything in the world.” He lifted his head and grabbed the sides of my face and kissed my lips.

“And I am so sorry for that, my love.” I kissed his forehead and lifted myself off of the ground for the last time. I reached for the door knob and looked back at his angelic face.

“You were always so good to me. Please forgive me.” Were the last words I ever spoke. My only regret was making sure he wouldn’t remember.