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"Why doesn't she just leave?" Domestic Violence and Hmong Women.

A culture built on patriarchy that makes escaping domestic violence nearly impossible.

By Nev OceanPublished 2 years ago Updated 2 years ago 12 min read
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"Why doesn't she just leave?" Domestic Violence and Hmong Women.
Photo by Toan Nguyen on Unsplash

This is not going to be as eloquent as my other pieces. Instead, it's going to be straight to the point. After the Kungsheng Maxwell Thao domestic violence episode that circulated through Hmong social media a few days ago, the inevitable comments came to the forefront. They're the same ones each and every time a domestic violence story comes out.

Under normal circumstances, leaving an abusive situation is already difficult. There are so many physical, mental, and emotional challenges that victims cycle through as they try to find safety. This is true not only for romantic partners, but even young adults who try to leave their abusive families. 

Add to that being Hmong, where reliance on family and community adds an extra layer of complications. The community is small and tight-knit, and the fallback answer most people seem to give is "Go back to your family." Your family is supposed to love and support you. They should have your back and protect you.

But what if they don't? What if they are the problem?

There is an invisible wall around Hmong women and children that makes leaving toxic families and family members almost an impossibility. The same strings that hold up our society also tether victims to their abusers. It's these same walls and strings that make Hmong children who are suffering abuse consider suicide because help feels like it is nowhere to be found. We Hmong have a tendency to push victims back into their abusive families and family members. The more traditional the community, the more it tends to push for insularity and reliance on family to resolve problems. 

Let's explore some of the many unique roadblocks to why Hmong women can't leave their abusive husbands and partners.

Hmong society is built on a system that makes women dependent upon the men in their family for their spiritual and social safety and wellness. 

Hmong culture is patrilineal, which means we follow the male line. Our fathers and brothers lead our families. A woman who is untethered from a male line (such as a divorcee) is spiritually lost and adrift. When she dies, there will be no one to claim her and no ancestors to recognize her unless she belongs to a man, whether that man is her father (if she's unmarried) or a husband. This line of thinking and these beliefs make it so that it forces women to accept unwanted marriages if she is to ensure that her soul has a place to go after death.

The current generation of divorcees and young people pay less attention to this aspect of our culture, however the belief still permeates. It still affects women to this day. 

When my father died, I was told by my mother on multiple occasions that now that my father was dead, there would be nobody to lead us and that other Hmong people would now look down upon us. Despite the fact that all of my mother's children were grown-ups, this emphasis from her still carried weight in how real the fear was in a traditional world to lose one's husband and father. 

Often times, children who have lost their father are called orphans despite the fact that their mother still lived. This is because mothers don't own their own selves. They are treated as not whole unto themselves without a husband, and thus, her children are often treated as parentless by the larger community. It's sad to say that widows are often perceived as a thing more than she is a whole person. If she is young enough, she is encouraged to marry the next available man that may want her, and her next husband is under no obligation whatsoever to take her kids with them. He can toss her children to her first husband's relatives as though they were truly orphans and she would have very little say in it.

If an abused woman is traditional, these are very real dangers for her. To become an outcast from a society that she heavily depended on for survival, even in 2021, is a realistic fear. This is a decision she must make and accept if she is to leave her husband.

When Hmong women marry, she no longer belongs to her family. She now belongs to her husband's family.

This belief makes it so that it is difficult to return to your own family. This giving away of our daughters makes it so it feels like the door back home is closed to us, leaving us to feel isolated and alone when our marriages turn rocky. We are to defer to our husband's families to mediate, but oftentimes, that is not in our best interest.

The easy acceptance of abusing women as a norm.

It is only our American sensibilities that become outraged at stories of domestic abuse. 

I have never, not once, seen a traditional Hmong father stand up for his daughter and her safety. To our elders and many of our parents, abuse is so common that it is just considered a part of a wife's life.

Growing up first generation, I can still remember how many aunties were abused and the whispered talks that would happen at family gatherings. Everyone knew more than just one or two abused women. It was that common. Even my own mother suffered a great deal of abuse, and I can remember distinctly the clan meetings that were called in to mediate. Be patient. Change yourself to make him happy. Go back.

Fear of upsetting the clans and the husband's family. 

Family will not open their doors to help an abused person escape because they don't want to upset the other family or the man. Respect is given more to the abuser than it is to the victim. Victims often have nowhere to go but back to their abusers.

It takes a great deal of courage to be willing to upset an entire section of your community and family and a willingness to burn bridges to open your door to take in someone who is being abused.

Even if a female cousin or a married sister is willing to open her door for a victim, if her husband refuses, then her hands become tied. He's often reluctant to help because he doesn't want to upset the victim's family and husband. He doesn't want to risk their anger. It is also taboo in our culture to allow a woman who isn't of his family to live under his roof for an extended amount of time. There will be rumors that could hurt his reputation and image.

Single women can help their abused sisters, but even then, unless they want to turn their backs completely on their own families and communities, the elder relatives will intervene to shame them out of it. To go against an abusive husband is so much more than just running away from one person. It is literally the victim versus an entire community system built to keep her in her cage.

If a victim turns to her own family, they will often tell her to go back. There is no support. Unless she's been abused to the point where she's been hospitalized, most families will encourage her to go back to her husband. Often, that'll come with lectures about how she must be patient, how she must consider her husband's needs and wants and how she can change herself so that she won't anger him so much. It is classic gaslighting.

Sometimes, the safest place for a victim is to ask for help from people who are nowhere near related to her. It is sometimes the only way to escape the social pressure to return, to save face, and to keep quiet.

Why doesn't she just leave?

And go where? 

She can't go back to her parents. She no longer belongs to them. They will also tell her to go back to her husband. Unless she's next to dead, most traditional parents will not intervene. They don't want to upset their son-in-law's relatives and cause bad blood. They think of the community, saving face, and the larger family before they will think of their daughter and her safety.

She can't go to a relatives' house because they don't want to get involved, especially not the male relatives who must be concerned about their face value and their reputations. 

And if a female relative tries to help, she risks her marriage and her own husband's disapproval to just help the victim out. she'll help in secret if she can, but the possibility of providing shelter and safe harbor is a near impossibility.

What's left? Friends? How many of us are lucky enough to have such a good friend who would defy Hmong social standards and censure to provide a roof over our heads indefinitely? Especially knowing that there is an uncontrollable, angry man out there looking for the person we're housing? 

Unfortunately, safe haven for many young Hmong married women is more likely to be found in places outside of our community with places and people who cannot be swayed or pressured by our families. 

Older women keep young women locked in abusive relationships.

Mothers and aunties will often be the first to tell a young woman to go back to her husband. If they had disagreed with the marriage in the first place, they will often say, "I never told you to marry him, but you did anyway. Now you need to go back."

Older women will also tell young women to "have patience" and to put up with it, with hopes that the husband will grow and change. Abusive behavior has been so ingrained into the normalcy of every day life that many women won't stand up for their daughters and nieces. It is seen as "that's just the way it is."

The aftermath of leaving.

Hmong men can argue it all day long, but the bottom line is that most of the time, the shame, blame, and guilt laid out by our society for the failure of a marriage is carried by the wife. She's the one labeled as damaged goods. She's the one with the untethered soul. She'll also be the one that society tells to "not be so choosy. If he likes you, you should just marry him."

How can we change things?

Certainly, these antiquated attitudes need to be adjusted and brought to modern times, but it is not going to happen overnight. 

We need to build safe houses for abuse victims, and I'm not talking about just women, but youth and children too. Leaving a family in a society where there is such a strong emphasis on staying together with your family is incredibly hard. There is so much stigma and judgment and misunderstandings when an individual wants to pull away from the pack. Sometimes, the pack is poison. 

We need to provide paths for victims to get out that does not include their clans and extended families. Safety and shelter and resources for victims must be put into place so that victims know there is hope and help.

We need to have dialogues with our elders and the men who lead our families to change the way they think about their sisters and mothers. Once they agree and change, the rest will follow. The attitude must shift from the preservation of the abuser's ego to the safety of the victim. Our society protects male egos and male pride far too much. It is so easily threatened and so fragile, yet it does so much damage to women and children.

We need to start to build a social movement of believing victims, learning to listen without judgment, and standing up for victims. We must be stronger and provide safety when we can. We must care more for victims than we do for reputation. We must be the change we want to see. That is the only way.

We must stop gaslighting victims. Stop telling them, "Oh, so and so just doesn't know how to show love. You just don't understand. You should try harder. Have you talked to them? There must be two sides to this story."

What other side of the story do you need that would justify being attacked? Everyone needs to learn to keep their hands to themselves and to walk away before fists start flying. By the point a victim gets the courage to tell you, it has gone far beyond the point of "understanding" the other side.

Yes, sometimes, both parties can be toxic and abusive, but that is only more reason to separate them. However, these cases are not the majority, especially not in Hmong relationships. Many Hmong men will say, "Oh, but we're equal now. Look at how well Hmong women are doing. Look at how successful they are."

No, no we're not. Within our society, even if some Hmong women are succeeding and earning more money outside of our community, that does not mean that within our community, all is fair. Power dynamics of who makes the decisions, who is more protected, who is more revered and respected is still heavily skewed in favor of men. You're lying to yourself if you think otherwise.

Long ago, I wrote about child molestation in Hmong society, and the same structures that protect molesters also protect abusers. It is this ultimate protection of male power that also protects the most shameful aspects of our society. A freed and protected woman is a dangerous threat to the patriarchy for she brings on the change that could threaten the pillars that have kept this institution up for far too long.

Once upon a time, Hmong men cut off the wings of Hmong women so she could not fly away. But it is time now that we give her her wings back.

humanity
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About the Creator

Nev Ocean

Fantasy, romance, fiction author.

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