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Why am I overthinking?

my thoughts on paper

Why am I overthinking?
Does anyone else feel this?

Hello, my name is Victoria Grace and I am very new. This is my first story and I though about writing something that is not something that would probably be on here. Keep in mind the story I am about to tell you, I have never seen myself do, my mother has told me what I've done.

Ok, so your probably thinking why are you writing about something that is very touchy? Well, I'll tell you.

Here's some background story first...

I was 15 years old and my parents were divorced. Well, it was summer and school was just finished. I woke up one morning feeling "not in my body". I ignored it and thought whatever, it's probably just my anxiety like always. I crawled out of my bed and went downstairs.

Now being my parents are divorced, I was at my moms one week and my dads the next, so on. I have a younger sister that was 11 years old, at the time and she and I got along quite well at times, this time not so much.

Walking downstairs I felt so much anger and anxiety that it took over and blacked out my vision and mind. I didn't know what to do. But, you know in that moment, I wasn't scared. My mother instantly saw me freaking out. I was in not mental state to even walk. My sister told me to snap out of it and I pushed her into a wall. She pushed me back but I didn't move. I went instantly to the hospital, my mother took me. My mom told the doctors what happened and I was in the mental site for 3 days.

What it was like to be in there, let's just say it wasn't pleasant. It was scary, but I was so in my head in those 3 days that it didn't even faze me.

3 days go by....

I am able to come home. But, before I did, the doctor came and told my mom and I what I had. My diagnoses was Borderline Personality Disorder.

Now, living with this disorder is not fun. Let me tell you about it first.

BPD is a mental state that impacts when you think about you and others. You have intense fear on abandonment, instability and may not tolerate being alone. It also makes you have unstable relationships (which I struggled with).

My ex (no names will be mentioned), did not accept that and treated me like I was some mental patient. He told me things that scared me for my life. But, never left me. Finally the day came where I broke up with him and left. Short story he cheated on me.

Then I thought and got in my head. I felt as if I was never going to find anyone that could deal with this.

At this time I got super into my head. I was thinking things that were unknown to people.

Some thoughts I would have is; why can I only see myself when I look in a mirror? Why is it that it feels like the point of view, like when playing a video game?

I know what you are saying, why think these things? But, this is what I mean by "why do I overthink"?

Then came him.

He changed everything. He changed the way I thought about things. Like I have no fear about what is going to happen anymore.

Anyways, living with this disorder is not fun. I constantly get thoughts every time of the day, like everyone else. But, the only thing that happens different is, you know when a girl changes moods. Well, imagine that but worse. My moods can change within seconds. I go from being mad two hours when I wake up, instantly to happy go lucky, like I was never mad at all. Then can change to depressed. Within a day my moods probably change 20 times at least. It honestly sucks. My main moods that usually happen are angry, depressed and happy.

Another thing that happens to everyone is panic attacks. My attacks are way worse then how others would have them. I completely pass out to the fact that I hardly respond. I would get the heavy chest pain, but I would also get blacked out. I would instantly have shallow breathing and out I'd be. My husband has had to either sit me up and pour water for me to sip or lay me down and try to get me to respond.

Anyways, I think I have told you it all. These are the things I struggle with in my everyday life and I hope no one else has to deal with it. I am currently trying to conquer this is sickness and prove to myself and others that I can still live a happy life.

If this reaches anyone who has this disorder and they feel they don't know how to deal or cope with it, send me an Instagram message saying you've read this story and you would like to talk and understand more.

Thank you for those who took the time to read about this and my story. I love you all. new stories coming soon!!

personality disorder
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Victoria grace
See all posts by Victoria grace