Who am I without you?

I am really not having a very good day.

I am...ya. So don't you worry! 💔💔 What can I do?

Nothing my friend. I need to understand why I am falling apart today? I need to see and understand why.

I'm here for you ❤ I think, sometimes we all feel broken. Some days more broken than others, but then the good days are that much better xxx

I know. I am just trying to see where I am. Fear. That plays a huge part in this. Fear of loss. Fear of never recovering. Fear of failure and the same feelings of failure that I have experienced through my recent life.

There is nothing wrong with moving on.

I am worried and frustrated. I just need to breathe and I am not allowing myself the space to do that. I feel like I am suffocating. The worst part is that I also feel like I am causing my oxygen to deplete. As if somehow I want this to keep happening. As if I am causing my own downfall.

But are you. Are you really? Think about the amount o influence you would need to have to make something like this happen to another person, let alone yourself. It seems like you need to recharge your battery. Take a "you" day.

I have taken seven "you" days. It really hasn't done anything except make me feel like an unproductive shit.

but your not an unproductive shit, you have to know that. Right?

I know!

Do you? Because if you have any doubts, they will eat away at you. You need to see that that does not happen. Look outside your circumstances. See the joy and beauty and love that surrounds you. Also, remember, when your own cup runneth over, then you're able to produce. When you are not, then don't. Not everything is about productivity. I would say that you should never measure the day but what you have done. Try seeing how you feel!

Agreed!

🥰🥰 Easier said than done though isn't it. I hate change. I never do well with it.

This level of change is very very scary. I know that the reason I am so thrown is I have fallen into a place where I feel like anything but a "punch in punch out" "real" job is not good enough. This is the constant. This feeling is the thing I need to shed. It is my darkness, the worst part of me. The rot. It was triggered by my not being able to film when I wanted to, and the fact that I, foolishly say a profile on the new Chef at my old job. It threw me into a terrible spiral of self-doubt and self-loathing. Since then, I have been mentally abusing myself with statements of defeat, and I am struggling creatively as a result. All of this I have not been able to tell anyone, it is certainly because of my pride and fear of losing people due to my lack of value.

💔 Sharing your burden sometimes helps it not to feel so heavy.

None of what I am saying feels like it makes any sense. Infact, there is not a moment that I am typing this, that I am not thinking; "shut up. Stop crying. Leave them alone."

That does not change the fact that you need to take care of your needs and your wants and find a way to keep that going. Sustainable change for your long-term happiness.

Sounds like a self-help book. Are you a guru, do I owe you some fees?

No no. We always start with the free advice to pull you in, then, when you're hooked, that's when you start getting the bills! lol.

Although I am coming to terms with my lack of willingness to return to the service industry, I am very fearful of what I can do, outside of that to live. In the industry, we call this spiralling. So that is what I have been doing for the past week, spiralling. I have seen it for what it is, today, that said, I need to find a way to move past this. It is a lot of programming that I am fighting. Like a drug addict, I am withdrawing from the world that I have spent so much time in, that without it, I am struggling to see who I am.

I'm sorry you're so frustrated