White Hot Rage...

At 34, with more life experience than most 50-year-old humans, I have had my share of "incidents" if you will, that have made me bend, break, and finally snap. I have had my entire household of stuff stolen 2 or 3 times, I have had a car stolen only for me to find it ran out of gas... seat belts cut... and the windows down with the keys in it, I have had people pick fights with me for seemingly no reason, and strange shit just generally happens around me. I am much better than I used to be about losing it. I breathe, I meditate, I listen to music, I do every single thing I can to diffuse my mind and sometimes, just sometimes, I lose it.

My brain feels like it is on fire, I feel like I am hot as hell, my head spins, I can't think straight, my hands sweat and... BOOM. That's it. I have had enough and I am ready to kick anyone's ass that is in my way. Now, were I the person I used to be, I would go and figure out who or what is the issue, ensuing in a fight. I would lose it for months, hate the world, and ruin everything around me.

The person I am now uses divination, meditation, music, spells, smoke, water... and anything else that will give me definitive answers. Talking to ancestors also massively helps and none of these methods ever fail me. I decide the best course of action and take it from there. If there is something I can not confront head-on, some kind of issue that just keeps festering no matter how hard I try to put a stop to it and handle it as an adult, I pull out spells. Not in a book, but in my head. I have always been this way. I make sure that I am at peace with what I am about to have to do and I make a plan for it.

Time and place is everything. I let the issue sit with me for a few days sometimes, other times call for immediate action. This is how my life is, it is how it has always been... I have just learned better methods to handle it all. I do what I need to on this side and if it calls for aid, I work with the other side next. Very rarely do I do it the other way around. When I have days that my southern-rooted old ways of fighting come back and make me itch to hit someone, I stay away from people... especially whomever I am mad at. I do not ever get this mad directly at my husband because of 1. I love him and 2. I know what I am like when I get like that. I prefer to be happy-go-lucky, kind, caring and showing happiness to people that need it.

I am a very colorful person... I love flowers, growing plants, decorating, cosmetics and pretty clothes I put together myself. Ohhh but that other side of me... the side that wants to see instant Karma, the one that wants people away from me that carry bad energy and the one that will do anything to keep them away, the one that KNOWS when I have been hexed right when it happens, the one that wants to immediately act because I always know right where it is coming from.

I want instant, immediate results, and answers. I loathe a liar and I know the eventually tell on themselves (I have seen it happen far too many times). This side of me bites and when it does... it doesn't know when to let go. I do my work in the shadows, with only the dark to see what I do. I hide and wait. When I have to do shadow work to handle something, it hits with fury like no one has seen when I send for what I need to be done.

Pulling myself back after handling it, is a whole other hassle in itself, so do not think for a second that I do it for fun. I have to bring my brain back to the material world. I have to take 2-3 showers a day until the "black smoke" clears. Until I clear myself. I have to prevent an emotional meltdown from happening, which is caused by a ton of emotions from having to do the work. It's not easy. It's not simple and it is far from fun when you start watching it work in action afterward. While doing all of this, I have to make sure I keep specific people guarded against it also. This is WORK. Not some kiddie playground. Not some ouija board you are curious about. Not simple tarot card playing around. It is also dangerous unless controlled.

Balance is the hardest thing in the world to achieve, and most definitely the hardest to keep.