When It Gets Hard.

Just tell them how you feel. "Tell them that you're lonely."

I feel alone. Not so much in my physical space but more so within my own head. I feel alone. My thoughts feel similar yet foreign to what really lays beneath the surface, the things that tug at the strings of my heart. It's hard wanting to be understood when you don't even understand the things you do and say sometimes. I find in my lowest moments is when I'm really forced to confront myself. When you're genuinely happy, it's easy to live with your happiness because it feels good to feel good. It's hard to sit with those other emotions that make you feel small, make you feel unhappy, or uncomfortable. I struggle to figure it out.

I would push away the inner parts of me that was afraid to ask for the attention and love from those around me. It's frustrating because I know I'm surround by a small group of people who love and care so deeply for me, yet I subconsciously create distance. I know this, but I still don't know why. It’s such an issue for me. Maybe it was the tiny part of me that thought that making those types of requests would make me seem needy and weak. Why would I run from love, why would I fear asking for it when it would willingly be given? I don't know why I'm like that. I don't know why I didn't like the idea of others seeing me as someone who is needy , knowing deep down that they didn’t really view me like that, I was just riddled with shame. I was ashamed of my own human emotions, a reflection of my own negative self-talk and thoughts.

Me being the loner that I am, has always been used to being alone without really getting lonely. The issue was I spent more time in my head than I did in my physical space. As odd as that sounds, I was disconnected. The part of me that feared taking action stayed crippled, scared of the “what if’s” or “how comes”, I found safety in my thoughts, only feeling protected inside the comforts of my own thoughts. What started as a comfort ventilation became a crutch, I fought with myself, constantly. Everything in my mind was in state of disarray. The years of pent up emotions, constant self criticism , people pleasing, passivity, dissatisfaction, and fright, all caught up to me. The safe haven I had created for myself within my mind had been corrupted. I was left clinging to what I could, internally and within my external environment. Yet still, I ended up a shell of a woman.

I get irritated and confused, trying to figure out my emotions because part of me feels as though its me living in or dwelling on the past. The present feels dull, it's times like these where my impulsivity becomes an issue because I'd do anything to feel some genuine excitement. I've put the steps to go further but I feel like a young child gardening for the first time, impatiently waiting for their first plant to grow. I stare at my work hoping that it blossoms and when it doesn't I throw a tantrum and curse the very soil I placed my seed within, to nurture and grow. It's shameful, knowing that I knew better than that. Good things take time. It's a constant reminder to keep myself level headed and grounded. I was so used to the anger (undercovered sadness). It invoked the deepest of wounds, an inner child backed into the corner. The only defense I ever had for myself was my mind and my words, so I used them, they were my sharpest weapons.

I built a wall around me. My tough exterior was built to hide the sadness which laid beneath the skin. I was so sensitive to everything around me to the point where it embarrassed me. I didn’t want to be seen as the cry baby anymore or the emotional one. It had dawned on me that for so many years others had had so much of an effect on my own emotions I didn’t know if what I was feeling was real anymore.

I don’t know if anyone noticed the change behind my eyes but they didn’t glow as brightly as they once did. I look into the eyes of those that had come after me, the little ones that are still creating there childhood memories. I can see the same familiar sparkle behind their eyes, it’s breathtaking. A beautiful sight. I watch from a distance, so very proud of them, admiring the pureness and innocence that laid behind their eyes. It seems like so long ago, what a beautiful time.

I don't remember how I feel, that's how frequently the emotions come and go. I don't know where my mind goes. It's a war of emotions, half of me is fighting for the better of my vulnerability, the other half is pulling me to hold on to an outdated way of thinking. My mind doesn't feel like my own sometimes. A rollercoaster ride of highs and lows, it's odd. Tears help me release and books have helped me cope. Some days feel light and hopeful, yet other days feel heavy and dark. It's odd. I heard a quote once, I cant rephrase it to the T but to the best of my ability I can only remember this much, "Healing is not a light switch, you cant just turn it on and off, healing is like a dance." I feel as though that's in reference to the highs and low of dancing, swaying along the floor, coming and going, which reiterates that healing isn't linear. This teaches me to go with flow and to accept my days for how they come. I can't control everything so the harder I try, it becomes harder for me to grow, to reach my fullest potential. Wanting to make a change within myself, to love more, as to not let my own unhealed trauma and emotions interfere with my own peace or the peace of the ones I love.

I sat with myself, I mean really sat with myself and tried to get to know the person I was. I didn’t like her very much, but it was hard to decided which perspective I was judging her from. The part of me that understands that we are made of both light and dark, ying and yang energy. Or the part of me that claimed that I wasn’t doing enough, and that I was selfish and ungrateful for not being ok with everything that I was surrounded by. I have an idea of who I want to be but right now I’m in a period of indecision, I’m no longer who I used to be though she still lingers in my energy, but I have not fully blossomed into who I need to be yet. It’s a feeling of laying in limbo, allowing time and experience to help you wade through the dirtiest of waters. Hoping to finally find calmer grounds. It’s a tougher battle than it seems because I cannot run away from myself. My story is not a comparison to others experiences, it may seem minor to others who have been through the trenches and have dealt/ are dealing with life’s hardships. However I’m not here for that. This work of art, letter, piece of digital paper is an expression of my truth, however it may be received by the public. This is for myself, I need that closure, I’m so very tired of running.