What My Flashbacks Feel Like...

Like most people, whilst cleaning I get lost in thought. Perhaps unlike most other people, however, one thought is always attached to another. My mind is comparable to a tangled ball of yarn. It's impossible for me to pull one thread loose without tugging out another one along with it.

One minute I'm here scrubbing my bathroom floor and the next I'm gone. I'm scrubbing a particularly stubborn stain and something about the color or the shape reminds me of another stain on a different bathroom floor. I spilled a little bit of hair dye once before that went unnoticed and stained the floor. I feel a bit panicky as I remember this. You see the last time I left a stain on the floor that didn't come up I found a garbage bin had been emptied into my bed in retaliation. I feel sad and a little angry. I hadn't meant to seem so callous and careless. Had I realized my mistake I would have corrected it.

I'm so absorbed in this memory, it has become reality. I'm unaware of the chatter of my children playing just down the hall. The scent of cleaner is gone from my nose. I'm back in time. I'm 18 again. This memory feels so fresh and live, my embarrassment is so intense it pulls forth yet another memory. The same person who emptied the trash into my bed is now telling me how messy I am, how lazy I am. They are joined by another voice picking at my flaws, my body, pointing out everything that is wrong with me. I'm given a laundry list of sort of things I need to "fix" about myself. My hair, my weight, my style of dress. I feel smaller and smaller until I am gone completely.

I am no longer myself. I am my emotions. I'm embarrassed, heart-broken, and depressed. Something brings me back. I slowly become aware of my surroundings but my heart is beating so loudly my ears are ringing. My throat is dry and my hands are trembling. It feels as though my entire body is trembling. Suddenly my energy is gone. I want to crawl into my bed and cry. I hurriedly finish my chore and leave the bathroom, careful not to look at my own reflection as I leave. I can't bear to look at myself and see what they see. I know I won't see myself.

It's barely noon and already my whole day is now centered around calming my emotions and getting through the rest of the day without breaking down. My day has become about survival. My chest feels heavy and my head is cloudy. I feel sick to my stomach. Now I'm thinking of all those things being said, and each time they were said and for what reasons, my brain clutches to any shred of proof they were right and throws away all of the facts.

And just like that, in only ten little minutes, I am shattered. The pieces of myself so carefully built up and put back into place now lay scattered around me. The effects of this flashback could be with me from a few hours to even a few days. This isn't the first time. This won't be the last time either. For me, it's just another day. Living with C-PTSD is a roller coaster. You build yourself up and when you do you go right back down again. Some days are all about survival and just making it through the day, and some days I get to actually live my life.

On those survival days, I often feel as though I am simultaneously living in the past and present, juggling two different realities.

A trigger can be anywhere and real life rarely offers warnings. I don't always know what my triggers are or where they will come from. All I can do is pick up the pieces and start over.

Flashbacks themselves can be mild or severe and affect different people in different ways. If you have experienced flashbacks I offer a few tips that have helped me minimize those effects.

• Find a grounding object. This can be anything small that you are able to keep on your person at all times. It needs to be something that does not remind you in any way of your trauma, something you associate with healing. I like to wear a necklace with an amethyst. When I feel myself starting to get sucked into those flashbacks I can hold the stone to remind myself I am not in the past.
• Take a cool shower or a hot bath, or even place a cool washcloth on the back of your neck. Changing your body temperature can be a physical distraction that can also be soothing.
• Do something that requires a lot of focus, and keeps your thoughts on the here and now.
• Use aromatherapy or essential oils if you find scent helpful.

It's OK to go lie down, take a time out or even have a cry. Getting through those flashbacks does not mean you have to ignore the feelings that come up with it. There is no right or wrong, or a one size fits all solution. See what works for you, take note of things that make you feel calm or give you strength. Don't be afraid to reach out. You are not alone.