What Living on an Emotional Rollercoaster Every Single Day Feels Like

A Personality test gave me 7 points for emotional stability — I’m not even mad about it.

A few days ago, I took an online personality test because these things often pique my interest even if the results are wrong. Who doesn’t want to know what kind of pizza they are?

The Big Five Personality test is an assessment of five key markers that explain a lot about a person’s personality depending on how you respond to the statements provided. After answering 50 questions such as “I worry a lot” (Professional overthinker, here!) and “I often feel blue” (Bingo!), it wasn’t surprising to see the red bar of emotional stability at 7 points.

I still feel like a child who failed her math test.

There is a perfectly good explanation for this.

Five years ago, I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). Almost 5 million women suffer from this hormonal disease, which has no distinct cause or cure. That means we have to live with it for the rest of our lives.

Some common symptoms associated with this condition are depression, anxiety, mood swings, and insomnia. Not to mention the general lack of energy.

This makes my score pretty on point. For me, each day is a joyride on the emotional rollercoaster.

If I’m lucky, I'll have a few good days before the bad ones hit.

Emotions are like waves

In his book “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” author John Gray talks about how a woman’s emotions are like waves.

“A woman is like a wave,” writes Gray. “When she feels loved her self-esteem rises and falls in a wave motion. After she reaches the bottom suddenly, her mood will shift, and she will again feel good about herself. Automatically, she rises back up.”

He also compares men to rubber bands.

A woman is like a wave. Yes, I agree. But when the wave happens too quickly and intensely, it becomes difficult for me to keep it in check.

Once you are on the top, the fall back down to the bottom can be excruciating.

Some days are confusing as hell

Some days are so great I’ll be happy and excited for no reason. On other days, all I want to do is get under my warm blanket and pretend I don’t exist.

There is no in-between unless I distract myself from my emotions.

And then there are days when I wake up feeling energized, and by afternoon I turn into a raging bull or an emotional wreck. It takes only about an hour for the moods to change. And sometimes, keeping myself in check is a battle in itself.

Emotions can get very confusing. There’s a reason someone who feels a lot doesn’t talk about their feelings. How do you explain them to someone else when you don’t understand them yourself?

Things can get overwhelming really quick

Give me five tasks together, and my mind will go into overthinking mode.

For example, right now, I am dealing with job hunting, moving from a country I have lived in all my life, and a breakup. Throw in a pandemic and uncertainty of the future . . . The perfect recipe for a mental breakdown.

Overthinking is something I do very well. And it’s not because I want to, it’s just how I am wired. Dealing with a lot of different emotionally tasking situations at once can get overwhelming easily.

Sometimes, you have to understand that emotional people don’t do too well under pressure.

It’s difficult to keep yourself afloat

When your emotions are constantly pulling you down, keeping yourself afloat can be a battle.

My mind knows and urges me to do what is required of me each day. The laundry won’t fold itself. On good days, doing them is a breeze. On bad days, my energy reserves hit a low point. But there is no stop because I know the work has to be done. Going through the motions makes sure my life doesn’t come unraveled.

This is where distracting yourself from your feelings can help.

Not everyone can understand what you are going through

“Why are you always tired?”

“Why are you always sleeping?”

“Why can’t you come out with us more?”

My friends have asked me these questions regularly. After a full day at work at a stressful job, I had no energy left for anything else. Sometimes, even dinner. I was always the one sleeping at the house party.

Not everyone around you is going to be kind and understanding. Unless you can explain to them. I couldn’t at the time because I didn’t realize my PCOS was causing my extreme tiredness and mood changes.

But some people will not care, anyway.

You need to help yourself

If you want your life to progress, you need to take charge.

I have pulled myself out of depression once. And I had to do it myself because, in South Asian households, depression isn’t a real thing. A few years later, I watched myself fall back into the same old patterns because I wasn’t bothered to help myself. As I let go of myself, my PCOS got worse, and with it, my symptoms.

Every single day, you need to help yourself so you can grow.

And sometimes, that means keeping yourself in motion when you want to curl up and cry.

You also need to ask others for help

Bottling up what you are going through does more harm than good.

I told no one because the sudden changes were confusing and I was told by the people around me there was nothing wrong. All I had to do was smile and be happy.

It wasn’t until a close friend confided in me she was going to therapy and under medication for her anxiety and panic attacks that I truly realized how comforting it was to talk to someone who understands how it feels.

Not everyone will understand you, but the ones who do will make your life easier. Find those people.

My disease makes me susceptible to a lot of mental health issues. Some days I am chirpy and optimistic about the future, and other days I am lying in bed thinking about death at 3 am.

Your mental health may suffer for other reasons. It’s okay to feel isolated and confused. Just don’t live there.

Instead of being a victim of your emotions, take control of them. Become self-aware, talk to friends and family, or take professional help.

Trust me, there are people around you who want to help.

You just have to be courageous enough to take the first step.