What Led Me to My Suicide Attempt

My depression soon started getting really bad. It got so bad I started calling into my job saying I was sick. Eventually, I just ended up in bed phone off, lights off, curtains closed. All I wanted to do was sleep. I kept hoping to close my eyes, fall into a deep sleep, and not wake up. I refused to eat, go out, talk to people, and leave my room. I tried desperately to find anyone to talk to about what was going on. Still, everyone shut me out and told me my problems and issues weren’t important enough for them.

After a few weeks, I decided I would try going back to work and see how things would be. Turned out that was a mistake. One of my co-workers was being so rude to me that day, I wasn’t able to focus. I kept dropping things and I was starting to get angry with the person. As we kept working on the product throughout the day, I realized that something wasn’t adding up. I tried telling my partner that their count was wrong. She refused to listen and called me stupid. Me being the kind of person that I am was very hurt about being called stupid when I knew the count was off. So I went to management to let them know. Management couldn’t tell if the count was wrong or not and said for us to keep going. As the day went on and the product was almost finished, they finally realized that I had been right the whole time. Sadly, my co-worker pointed at me and said it was my fault. I right away asked how it was my fault when I had noticed something was wrong earlier and had mentioned it to them. I was so furious with my partner and work. All they had to do was listen to me and take the time out to fix the problem. Since they refused, I had to end up opening all 46 cases and each and every box inside of the case and redo the order. I was furious. I was so upset I started shaking. That night I was picked up and driven home.

On the way home, I couldn't help but think about what had happened and how it made me feel. I was so upset that I sat in the car, looking out the window saying nothing and thinking about what went wrong.

That night I couldn’t stop replaying all of that day in my head. I even started playing other days of my job in my head that led to me feeling worse. I again tried to find help. Again people laughed at me, told me I was just looking for attention. By now, I have been laughed at, had people tell me I don’t have any problems, call me an attention seeker, and made me feel useless and alone. I tried going to bed to forget about the events of that day. I couldn’t sleep. All I did was see them. It got so bad that I decided if I was going to be alone to deal with this situation, my only way out was to commit suicide. So I ran into my kitchen, grabbed a 60 bottle of rum, and started pounding it back, knowing I hadn’t eaten in days, I knew the alcohol would affect my system quickly. I went back into my room and found some of my pain killers I have been taking for my back. I poured out two bottles into my hand, shoved them all into my mouth, took a big drink of the rum, and waited for it to kick in.

I somehow managed to get myself to bed, where I passed out. I am not positive as to how long I was out for but, when I woke up, I know I was upset. My head started racing, I was calling myself a stupid idiot for attempting to kill myself and it ending up a huge failed attempt. The most I got was about 36 hours of sleep, a major headache, dry heaving, coughing, and a pasty dry mouth.

When I started feeling a little bit better, I thought it would be smart for me to call a trusted friend and let them know how I tried to kill myself. My friend was so upset and so scared that I would even consider doing it that she threatened to call a hospital for people with suicidal thoughts or that are suicidal. I told her there was no need, that I was going to start looking for help that day.

After talking to my friend, I talked to my grandmother and told her what had happened. She was so upset that she started to cry. She told me she was on her way down and that she was going to take me to the doctor’s to find out what they could do to help me.

The doctor didn’t really say or do too much. She mostly just asked me how I was feeling, what medications I had taken, how much I drank, and what happened to have caused me to attempt to kill myself. I told her about all of the events that led up to me trying to kill myself. I told her all the medications I had take and the rum I drank. She quickly put my name into Halton’s Mental Health to get me help as soon as possible. She had me on the server list for depression and labeled me as a self-harm person. She also talked to me about some medication to help with my depression, stress, bipolar, personality disorder, and mood swings.

Now I am on a bunch of antidepressants. I feel like they aren’t helping at all. Sometimes they even made me feel worse than I already was. Some days it was still hard for me to get out of bed. Being on all the medications I was, I felt more tired, angry, depressed, and stressed. I also was still not eating, sleeping, and still had no desire to want to leave my bed. There were a few times that I was so messed up on my medication, I sat on my bed just staring and shaking. I was shaking so bad I broke out into a sweat. It was an awful feeling.

Within a week I went back to my doctor and talked to her about how I was feeling on the medication. She told me that I needed to give the medication more time to get into my system before it would work properly. A few weeks later, I went back again for a follow-up appointment. I told her I still didn’t see or feel any positive changes and that I still wasn’t sleeping or eating. So she raised my medication and prescribed me a sleeping pill. When it came to the sleeping pill, I noticed that it was working, but the other medication I felt was making my problems worse. I would still sit and think a lot—mostly about how useless I am, how nobody cared about what was happening, How it was stupid of me to try to commit suicide and how my problems aren’t as bad as other people’s so I should keep them to myself.

Feeling like the medications weren’t helping and usually made me feel worse, I decided to look for more healthy ways of getting better. Step one was to change my diet. Eating and drinking healthier can help change a person's mood, feelings, and it helps detox the body of the negatives. Step two is to find someone you can trust to talk to. My next step, I had to try desperately to find someone that I can go to or talk to about what was going on. This is where my counselor, Chris, comes in. Chris finds out what problems or issues I have and then helps me to make goals to change how I think and react to things. I also started going to a natural path, who helps cleanse my body and gives advice and tips on what I can do health wise to better myself. I also try to find hobbies and do the things I love. I have found that so far, a mix of all of these have helped me more with my issues than the medications the doctors have me on.