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What I thought was right

Young

By Celeste Published 2 years ago 3 min read
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The lift story (to be continued)

Having to drift through childhood with little care being given, little food provided and knowledge shared.

Having to strike poses that please angry others in your teen years just to survive the winter within the alcoholic loveless households

BEING SO UNAWARE in early adult life, only things that should be kept secret or lied

I thought I was doing the right thing, then I got lost. I am now here….healing from it all

I was first aware at the age of 11, my first wrong step. Yes the universe witnessed it. High school, year 8. A hard year for a early blooming female child. I was exploited and bullied into submission while showing my in denial side through and through pushing people further into the truth of the lies. It haunted me, is haunting me. This 365 long experience really shaped my future decisions once I was to reach legal age of full responsibility for my life. I was so indenial and so wrong.

The chapter of being 18 really threw me through loops I never expected to life though, my past haunting me, over sexualised and desensitised to what life had to offer… for the right price (my soul)

I was only 19, any part of my soul I had left was ripped out of me with surgical tools. I felt the hole it left.

Maybe if I bury my head in adult study, maybe I’ll be worthy of a life worth living. I’ve always tried to hold onto my optimism, I lost if for a bit there (age16-18)

Really embrace the fact that stepping stones are stepping stones regardless of their shape, size or meaning. One foot infront of the other lala.

I can’t say to much as I feel like I’ve overshared with strangers my whole life, I doubt we will stay this distant in hope to share and evolve with witness

I’m not one to share my life, raw and honestly. I conceal my wounds because they’re not pretty. I can’t live so close to the sun anymore. I need closure and I need exposure. Those are my worst nightmares. Maybe if you knew who I was and have been, maybe you’d reject me. I can’t reject myself. I need to find and love myself, shadow self and all.

This is discovery, this is acceptance, this is as raw as I’ll ever get.

You’ll never believe the extent of my nightmares. Living and asleep. I live the temporary life with PTSD, anxiety and depression. Trauma, not soul.

When I look up, sometimes I see the stars move and morph and then eventually disappear into the dark, I feel as if that’s the representation of me finding myself, then losing myself to my own judgement. I need to accept myself so this is my truths beginning. Maybe it’s too much, maybe no one wants to witness what I have to say about my own existence. It’s a hell of a one.

Timelines, people, events ect are such a blurred line in my story of life. How does one require them to live to 22? What makes me so difficult to fit in with the human experience. I aim to be deep enough for you to feel my pain of being lost in my own lies to cover my own pain, from myself and the ones I love. Would they still be around if they knew? Would they still offer their love and support if they knew? What would they really do and how would they really treat me if they really knew, me. Formally Lala Duckie, leave me in the past, but bring me with you.

humanity
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About the Creator

Celeste

Have been on my own from a very young age, lots of unexpected turns leading me to right here. Join me at 22

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