What do you think a good friendship looks like?

A good friendship doesn't have to be deep, but it will be a mature relationship.

Professor William Rawlins has done a survey on friendship and found that those entering middle adulthood are more likely to define friendship as not being together all the time, but a relationship of "knowing he's there".

It provides companionship and support when you need it, without being too harsh on your time and energy investment, and is a relationship that makes you feel more comfortable and free.

We have listed 7 manifestations of "good friendship" here, and provided 3 small tips at the end to help you harvest such friendships. Let's take a look at today's article~

1. A good friendship is not necessarily a deep friendship

Profound means that you are not necessarily people who know each other well or have witnessed each other's big moments. As long as they appreciate each other, communicate effectively, and rely on each other, a mature friendship can develop.

The greatest value of this friendship is that you can understand each other's present even if you are not involved in each other's past; you may not necessarily be with each other in the darkest moments, but you can also provide each other with positive emotional support.

We are extremely fortunate if we have people in our lives with whom we have grown and deeply intertwined. But we don't have to demand that every friendship has such depth, and the glimmer is also a warmth worth cherishing.

2. You can take off each other's tags

As we grow older, we gradually wear more and more social identity labels, such as xx's spouse, xx's parents, and xx's company employees. We also habitually use social labels to remember each other and judge whether he is worthy or not. We communicate.

Although the establishment of some relationships is purposeful, for example, we need the help of their personal abilities or social resources in some matters, so we hope to establish a relationship with them. But when you have a mature friendship, even if your acquaintance is utilitarian, you can still see each other's true and complete appearance.

For you, when you think of each other, his hobbies, personality traits, his favorite tastes, interesting things about him, etc. will appear in your mind. In your eyes, he is a fresh and complete individual, while Not a decent but distorted state after being slapped with social labels

3. Your relationship can stand up to provocation and denigration

The friendship of adults is not exclusive, and because of this, there will be a certain degree of competition in the friendship of many people, which will lead to jealousy.

And a mature friendship can withstand the provocation and slander of others. We don’t immediately believe that someone really said something like this or really expressed such a negative meaning just because of what they said, because once we have established a mature friendship with another person, there will be basic trust, understanding and promise

At the same time, a mature friendship is based on both parties being mature individuals. This means that we can understand and appreciate the complexities of friendships and not demand the perfection of the relationship.

We can understand that a good friendship does not mean that the other party takes us as the most important thing. For example, when you need help and he is difficult to provide, you will not complain that he is not enough to give his heart and lungs; and he will not accuse you of not paying attention to him when you have to temporarily break the appointment due to work or other emergencies. .

Therefore, when you are facing provocation, you can maintain confidence and patience in this relationship, and wait for further verification before making a decision, instead of being suspicious because of two or three rumors from others and taking the initiative to pull Keep the distance between the two.

4. You understand each other's weaknesses and choose to accommodate them in the relationship

It's not just the "perfect relationship" that stop chasing, but the "perfect person."

In getting along with him, you will gradually discover each other's shortcomings, and you will also be aware of your own problems. The point is that both of you are well aware that the other's shortcomings don't affect the value of the relationship to you.

When tolerant of each other's minor ailments, you will not feel that you are the one who regresses and tolerates for the sake of the relationship, because these shortcomings are nothing compared to the positive value he can bring to you, and you believe that the other party will be the same contain you.

Therefore, when there is a conflict between you, you will also actively resolve it. Because you know each other's imperfections, you're more willing to put in the effort to make the other person feel your sincerity and commitment to the relationship.

5. You both define the boundaries of the relationship and respect and understand each other’s boundaries

There will be many friends in our lives who give us different experiences and feelings. As long as you are equal and respect each other, and you can support and accompany each other when you need each other, it can be called a good friendship.

For example, when you get along, you usually eat, drink and play together, and chat about life and gossip, then neither of you will seriously mention your anxiety about life or other profound thoughts; , talk about your views on social issues, then you can also understand that the other party will not make an invitation to spend time with you to eat, drink, and have fun.

It can be said that in a mature friendship, two people have the same "friendship orientation" for each other, and both parties will tacitly observe and maintain this boundary. While breaking boundaries may elevate your relationship, it's more likely to make you feel uncomfortable in the relationship.

6. When you are together, you can provide each other with high-quality companionship

You won't necessarily plan to meet often, but will provide each other with high-quality company every time you meet.

For example, they will care about what the other party has experienced in the days when they can't see each other, instead of asking them casually and forgetting them; they will give the other party gifts, or leave souvenirs after participating in activities together, hoping that they can be in their own hands. You will leave tangible memories in your life; when facing the negative emotions of the other party, you will also know why he is angry, instead of perfunctorily using "hugs" to deal with the answer.

7. You will be mutually beneficial and not feel like you are exploiting each other

In 1992, Rawlins put forward a series of principles of friendship dialectical interaction. He pointed out that a good friendship must contain freedom of "affection and instrumentality".

Some people will criticize purposeful friendships, thinking that such friendships are not pure and are taking advantage of friends. However, back-and-forth helping behaviors can actually be seen as supportive, reciprocal friendship-maintaining behaviors. In a mature friendship, not only do two people not deliberately avoid each other's "instrumentality", but they can even use these interactions to enhance their feelings.

Such mutual benefits are not limited to financial help.

You may think that when the social identity gap between two people is large, the one with less resources is taking advantage of the other. actually not. As long as this friendship can be established, it proves that he can also provide the other party with what the other party wants, and this thing is not necessarily material. Maybe he is a person who is very tolerant and can heal others, or it may be Because he has made achievements in his field of expertise, communicating with him can always gain new perspectives and inspiration.

So if we want our existing friendship to mature and our relationship to last longer, what can we do? Here I provide you with 3 small methods:

1. Be concerned about the other person's situation from time to time

Formalized birthday wishes, or buoyant likes in the circle of friends, have little effect on the maintenance of friendship. To effectively maintain friendship, not only communication between two people is needed, but also quality sharing and dialogue.

We don't have to share details of our lives with each other, but we can share some important events with each other, so that we can make each other feel that we have been involved in each other's important life stages (whether it is marriage , life confusion, or personal career), and enhance the sense of companionship with half the effort. And telling the other person what is important to you can also make the other person feel that you are important.

When you can maintain such habitual sharing, then when you meet again, you can have an extraordinarily high-quality time together, because you don't need to have awkward chats to start deep and familiar conversations directly, just like never separated. the same.

2. Be proactive in helping, but be careful not to cross the line

In the maintenance of friendships from early adulthood, Beverly Fehr says, lasting friends are those who are ready to help but rarely cross the line.

For example, he knows what kind of comfort and support you need at this time, whether you need quiet company or enlightenment, and whether he should give you a hug at this time.

This, according to Beverly Fehr, is the key to sustaining friendship: building a mature, intuitive understanding of giving and taking intimacy.

After all, people who step into our lives before we're ready, comment on our situation, and rush to give us a loving hug can make us uncomfortable and not be our long-term friends.

3. When you get along with him, create and share more happiness

The study found that when friends share positive experiences with each other, whether they receive a positive response can accurately predict the happiness of the friendship, and can also be used as an important benchmark for measuring the overall quality of friendship. If it is difficult for you to make time together to create happy memories together, you can also share your personal achievements unilaterally (note that sharing, not showing off), or even just repost photos of cats and dogs, funny videos, and let He laughed.

In other words, while friends can sometimes be our emotional tree holes, creating and sharing happiness should be the norm when we get along. After all, we don't want to be miserable all the time with someone.

As Nietzsche said, "As long as a man needs a friend, he is less able to be a friend—because the need reduces the other to an object. Only one who can be alone can be a friend. Friendship is not his need, It was his joy; it was not his hunger, but the abundant love he wanted to share."