Weary

She sits in the darkness of her room with the thoughts going through her head so quickly that she can not distinguish one from the other. They all mesh together. She can't make sense of any of it and it was driving her crazy she started to rock like she always did. The anxiety was climbing and her breathing grew fast and shallow. Unable to breath tears started rolling down her face. What was happening to her? Was she going to die? It felt like she might die. But I'm only ten, she thought to herself. How could I be dying, she thought out loud? Hearing herself say something so absurd snapped her out of her head into reality. She sat in a puddle of sweat. Her shirt and shorts were drenched and she was still slightly rocking. What had happened to her? She wasn't exactly sure but it made her worry about her well being. Why should she be so worried all of the time if she was only ten? Who could explain what had happened without casting her with some stigma as a troubled youth like her brothers and sister. She wanted to get out of this small town when she grew up and knew that if she allowed herself to be labeled at such a young age she would never amount to anything. She again kept this strange and rare episode to herself. It had happened once before but she decided to keep it all to herself, she wouldn't every mention it not even to her mother who knew everything about her. Betsy vowed to overpower these uncontrollable anxiety attacks with all she had and it worked for about ten years.

Ten years later and she found herself again rolled up into a ball of sobbing nothingness on her bed. Rocking ferociously trying to get the thoughts out of her head. She had a 6 week old baby and didn't know how she could possibly take care of herself much less an infant. What could she do? She then blocked out and woke up in the ER with several white coats standing around her and her ex-father in law trying to subdue her with his calming nature. She yelled get out to all of them. She screamed at the top of her lungs. The doctor in charge had had enough of this screaming for no reason and ordered a shot of some sort. She looked at him and said, "what Doc, don't like what you see?" And Betsy started ripping her clothes off. For what reason she didn't know why but for some reason she felt like she was on display for all these on lookers. Next thing she knows her nurse injected her with some medicine to calm her down. Well it calmed her down so much that she woke up two days later in an ICU bed. What happened she said to the strange woman sitting next to her bed. She answered coldly, "you had a psychotic break. We believe it is a post pardon psychosis and you need to be transferred to another facility to be watched and cared for." Betsy started to rock and sob. She didn't even know what she did but she knew what the lady meant they were sending her to the psych ward. She had been there once before for attempting suicide but she didn't want to leave her precious baby. What had she done this time. The stranger said "it doesn't matter this is a matter of your well being. This is not something you had control of that is why the term psychosis is used. You were triggered into this state of psychosis by your drinking and your hormones being all over the place from having your son. You need extensive treatment so that you don't put yourself or anyone else in danger." Betsy agreed to the hospitalization against her Aunt's wishes. She said once you sign that paper they have your freedom. She had experienced the same type of episode with her son. She didn't want Betsy to end up like her son, locked up with no rights. But Betsy agreed with the understanding that she would see her baby regularly and that it was only to get her chemicals under control so that it wouldn't happen again. Betsy went away a few short hours later to another facility that was equipped better than the local hospital to handle patients like her.

Betsy found herself sitting in a dark cold hospital room with bars on the windows and all of her clothes stripped from her. She was allowed a sweat suit with no strings and no shoes only socks. This was for her safety. She started to rock and then a nice lady walked in to the room. She flipped on the light and Betsy recoiled into a ball. She wasn't ready to admit that she had lost control because she didn't understand it herself. How could you say and do things out of character and not know what had happened or why? This lady explained that after birth we are all at risk for post pardon depression or psychosis only some of us are more likely to experience this than others. Betsy had a predisposition to have this outbreak or psychosis they kept calling it because of her earlier diagnosed bipolar depression and anxiety disorder along with PMDD and early childhood trauma. Yes childhood trauma and coupled with adult trauma of sexual assault she was a high risk candidate for this sort of thing that is why she was where she was. Only they could help her through this scary part of her life because few people are equipped to deal with and understand such problems in life history and chemical imbalance. She suffered from a mental illness. She had to accept that first if she had any hopes of surviving. Betsy didn't want to die so she tried hard to listen at group and to learn what is wrong with her and how to deal with it. Betsy saw her son twice in her 6 day stent at the psych ward. He rolled over without her. He had grown so much that it broke her heart. Another patient there told Betsy to quit being so honest in group and to learn that she had to tell these people what they wanted to hear in order to get out of there quicker. She thought about lying in her therapy sessions and group but decided against it. The doctors and nurses there set up counseling for Betsy at a local mental health agency. She would report to them as soon as possible after her discharge to see a therapist and a psychiatrist to address her medicine issues and any side effects that may present themselves. Things for scary quick for Betsy the day they said her ex father in law and her fiance were coming to pick her up to go home. Was she ready, she asked herself? Could she fight this mental illness? Not alone. It would take a large support system but she wanted nothing more to be reunited with her baby and her other son too. She missed them more than she ever thought possible. Being sober on the outside is terrifying. She was afraid she couldn't do it without getting drunk on the regular but knew from her learning and education that she was self medicating and with the new medication she was on would deter the drinking she just had to make sure to let the medicine do its job unhindered from alcohol abuse of any kind. She decided this was her life now. She was a person that suffered from a mental illness that controlled her. She had to live carefully if she didn't want to lose everything she loved and all of the people that loved her. She didn't want to lose her life.

Betsy still suffers from this illness battling the effects of bipolar depression daily. She tries to be a better person. She often cries alone in the dark but hasn't had many psychotic episodes although a few got away from her. She was lucky to have the support system she had. She never gave up. Not yet anyway. She continues to go to therapy and see the same psychiatrist nine years later. What she is facing now is menopause and everyone around her is walking on pins and needles around her afraid they may trigger something terrible. Betsy too was afraid. She had never experience menopause but had noticed that her emotions had been all over the place lately. She wanted to get ahead of this but was having trouble getting in to see a medical doctor because of the pandemic the world was facing. She is left feeling weary wondering what her future has in store for her and her family. Weary feelings wear on you after a while and Betsy finds herself rocking and in a ball more and more often than not. What can she do to save herself? What are the next steps when no one seems to understand her. She's feeling lonely and helpless and scared. The feelings are overcoming her and she doesn't want to let go of reality but slips into a deep sleep and the nightmares begin. When will she escape this hell she lives and battles on a daily basis? Never? Probably she will suffer for the rest of her life the only question is will she stick with her support system or fall through the cracks and end up in the psych ward again. She doesn't want that but seeks solace in something. Comfortability is only around her family and loved ones. She's lost many along the way because they never could understand her and her "illness" so they left her life never to look back. It saddened Betsy but it was reality it was difficult to love someone like her. She was desperate to hold on to the family she had left and dreaded the day she would lose another one to her mental health illness. Weary, a feeling overcoming Betsy. Strength running low, sleeping more often then not she secretly knew where this was heading. She would eventually push everyone away and end up alone so that she could no longer hurt those she loved but she wasn't ready for that yet. What would come next in Betsy's life. How would she overcome the next obstacle? No one knew not even Betsy. We are left watching over her as she sleeps away the tears. Hiding her feelings right below the surface. Ready to implode. What's next?